Thursday, 12 June 2008

More G-Men fun.........

It would be fair to say things weren't exactly going my way at the start of the night. I had a table of ten reduce to eight, thus no service charge. I wouldn't mind but they were teachers, and they aren't well known for being either easy to serve or generous. On another table I had Australians, also famously tight with the cash. On yet another table I had some really lovely Japanese tourists who again are even less generous than the Australians. So despite having a half full restaurant I guessed I was about to make sweet fuck all for myself.

I grumped for a while. What else was there to do?

Then the door opened and in strode 3 huge American chaps.

K-ching!
g-men here
g-men there
g-men every where
or was there?


G-Men, no doubting it either. They all looked like they had come straight from I-Rack. They were immensely polite and kept calling me sir which in itself was amusing. It felt like an episode of Little House on the Baghdad Prairie. They ordered and ate and drank and were polite and when I wasn't at the table they talked openly. But should I come anywhere near it they clammed up like fuck. This also amused me. I kept finding reasons to go back to their table and the tables around them and every time I did they stopped taking.

This was great craic!

In the end I decided to pull them on it. "Hey lads, if you stop talking when I come over I can't hear what you are talking about!" They laughed but at least I had found a way of starting a conversation with them. So I just went straight for the jugular.

"Soooooooo, you must be here for the Presidents visit then?"

Now, if you are a member of the secret service or something like that and you don't wish to divulge this information to the nosey waiter my advice is to answer quickly. It's best not to stare at each other and then just say,

"Eh....um...eh....er....sir?"

And then rapidly follow it up with,

"Yeah I suppose we are" and then get all grumpy about it. It's not like I was waterboarding using legitimate interrogation techniques on them.

By the end of the night I had another three tables of tall polite American men with dubious reasons why they were in Belfast. I outed them all. The best was the table of two who laughed when I asked them in they were here for Shrub's visit and then said no comment. I quickly changed the conversation and asked them if they had been in Belfast before. The really tall one answered,

"Yeah, I was last here six years ago."

That would have been when Bush last came for a Guinness cup of tea? Maybe I have some tremendous ability for interrogation that I never knew. Any way they are all coming back again tomorrow for dinner. I'll try and find out where they keep the alien ships and who really killed Kennedy. After all it wasn't you and me.

So outing G-Men is my new hobby and a welcome distraction from dull tables of teachers who in the end left me 15%! The G-Men all tipped well too. One left his pen behind as well. I took it apart, just in case..........

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Watch out for those pens, Manuel.
They're all bugged out.
Hee.
It's a wonder that anyone would admit working for shrub's criminal administration.

belfast plate carrier said...

I think 6 years ago was when Clin-Ton was in the odyssey arena. I worked that day, and found the Secret Service guys polite, almost to a point. I felt like they were just tensing up for the 'touch of death'

Manuel said...

medbh: yeah maybe that's it.....embarrassment......

bpc: nah clinton was ten years ago, hard to believe......Bush was here 6 years ago....I know cause I was there.......shouting n huffing.....

Blondefabulous said...

If we ask real nicely, will you keep him???

Manuel said...

blondie: bwahahahahaha........no but we could work out a swap deal...how are you for far right religious nut jobs? you need some more?

problemchildbride said...

Cooo-wil!

problemchildbride said...

What's the worst profession for tipping, by the way?

MJ said...

You'll be inspecting g-spots next.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I think the Secret Service is cool. They were first created to reduce counterfitting that was rampant just after the Civil War.

TMI? Well, they wouldn't have told you that, either!

gimme a minute said...

Little House on the Baghdad Prairie. Sublime.

A roadside bomb or two would certainly have enlivened that show.

Mudflapgypsy said...

You'll be looking over your shoulder for black vehicles next Manny. They'll be there, watching you.

carine said...

why don't you throw them for a loop the next time they're in and 'surreptitiously' whisper into your sleeve when you're walking past their table?

x

Caro said...

Maybe you could convince them to bring Shrub along. Then poison him.

Crispy said...

"I rack" cracks me up every time!!

banquet manager said...

The left behind pen remark reminded me of how I get most of my pens. I'm a banquet manager and always find nice pens left behind at the end of the business meetings. A small perk but a perk never the less.
Visit my blog for banquet managers at http://soyouwanttobeabanquetmanager.blogspot.com

B said...

they tipped well!? I pictured them being cheap b@stards, might just say "the president thanks you" and walk off.

worst profession for tipping is an on-the-verges-of-retirement rural irish woman.

Bock the Robber said...

Jesus, Manuel, if you could psych out the men in black there has to be a job for you in Guantanamo.

Anonymous said...

You write very well, Manuel!
Excellent blog, very witty and entertaining.
Hope you get noticed by the right people at the right time and make the break...

Manuel said...

sam: teachers teacher teachers.......and once more teachers......awful to serve as well

mj: hehehehehehehe

boxer: they RAE really cool and absolutely brilliant to serve too...

gimme: I drop word bombs......word bombs of truth n love......quality...

muddy: thanks for that.......scared now....

carine: bwahahahahahaha

caro: we have chefs to do that.....

crispy: you should try living there, that has to be a hoot too

banquet manager: never look a gift pen in the mouth.....just take it and go....

b: is that a profession......? teachers though ARE the worst.....

bock: yes, the bringer of food.....that's all I can do....

anonymous: cheers......do you want to give me money now? I'd like some please?

B said...

90% of the ones that work are teachers, all are civil servants.
My mother's a teacher.

daisyfae said...

seriously, if you can't keep him, can you at least delay him long enough that we can change the locks the whitehouse?

The Hangar Queen said...

I was able to hear everything you were saying the other night....until you took the pen apart.

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