Dreams, I've had them.....

I have had a dream.

I know there is nothing duller than listening to somebody drone on about their "wacky" dreams. In fact the only thing duller than listening to stories about peoples wacky dreams is listening to some aging hippy drone on about some wacky acid trip, maaaaaaaaaaaaan.

But I did have a quite peculiar dream the other night. I was serving Robert Redford, he was sitting at one of our duller tables. And whilst I was serving him, a breakfast fry up which is odd as we don't serve breakfast, I couldn't help think I'd rather be serving Paul Newman.

Que?

And as I brought Mr Redford his coffee I kept seeing Paul Newman's face, but not his regular face but rather his face from his sauce bottles.

The fuckity fuck is that all about?

Where's this going?

not sure, but lets see where it takes us....

I also have a dream, more waiters on TV.

1. Waiter P.I. Much like Magnum P.I. minus the mustache and the Ferrari, and instead of Higgins he would have a busboy as his trusty sidekick. The kicker being that the busboy would be a woman and the real brains of the outfit. Quality. They would solve dastardly murders and what have you as well as working in a fancy schmancy restaurant. In fact all the murders would take place in and around the restaurant. His catchphrase would be "Time to settle the check" and he would say this as he was closing in on the villain. And as they were being lead away he would laugh and say,"What? No tip!" Genius.

2. Camp Waiter. I know what you are thinking, "Queer eye for the Straight Guy". The waiter gives sartorial advice and bitchy commentary for people going out to dine. But you'd be wrong. Very wrong. Camp Waiter is a hard assed boot camp for middle management types. At Camp Waiter they get to learn about teamwork and all that kind of stuff. The waiter would put them through a week of hell including split shifts, rude customers, sociopathic chefs, and incompetent managers. They would have to live like waiters for the week too, in a studio apartment with no running water and have to make it to work on time everyday despite a crippling alcohol problem. The waiter's catchphrase would be, "There's no 'I' in team.....but there is in waiter." The show could be adapted to cater for young offenders and gang bangers. From the mean streets to the restaurant floor. Again, bloody genius.

3. The T(r)ip Challenge. A solitary waiter on a voyage of discovery around Ireland. The waiter must get from the most northerly point of the country to the most southerly point surviving only on tips earned in restaurants along the way. He would converse with crazy characters and discover wonderful local foods and customs. He would also learn a little something about himself and his waiting abilities. In each city, town, village, and hamlet he would hook up with different waiters who would give him a little local knowledge. The show could be expanded to include, "The waiter's European Challenge" or even "The Waiter's World." That said, Australian backpackers have been doing this for years........

I don't want to feature in any of these myself but I would settle for a executive producers role and appropriate recompense.

Send money now, thanks.

And if I see these on TV with somebody else getting the credit I'll be round with the "boys" to discuss the issue through the medium of physical violence.