Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Dreams, I've had them.....

I have had a dream.


I know there is nothing duller than listening to somebody drone on about their "wacky" dreams. In fact the only thing duller than listening to stories about peoples wacky dreams is listening to some aging hippy drone on about some wacky acid trip, maaaaaaaaaaaaan.

But I did have a quite peculiar dream the other night. I was serving Robert Redford, he was sitting at one of our duller tables. And whilst I was serving him, a breakfast fry up which is odd as we don't serve breakfast, I couldn't help think I'd rather be serving Paul Newman.

Que?

And as I brought Mr Redford his coffee I kept seeing Paul Newman's face, but not his regular face but rather his face from his sauce bottles.

The fuckity fuck is that all about?

Where's this going?
not sure, but lets see where it takes us....

I also have a dream, more waiters on TV.

1. Waiter P.I. Much like Magnum P.I. minus the mustache and the Ferrari, and instead of Higgins he would have a busboy as his trusty sidekick. The kicker being that the busboy would be a woman and the real brains of the outfit. Quality. They would solve dastardly murders and what have you as well as working in a fancy schmancy restaurant. In fact all the murders would take place in and around the restaurant. His catchphrase would be "Time to settle the check" and he would say this as he was closing in on the villain. And as they were being lead away he would laugh and say,"What? No tip!" Genius.

2.
Camp Waiter. I know what you are thinking, "Queer eye for the Straight Guy". The waiter gives sartorial advice and bitchy commentary for people going out to dine. But you'd be wrong. Very wrong. Camp Waiter is a hard assed boot camp for middle management types. At Camp Waiter they get to learn about teamwork and all that kind of stuff. The waiter would put them through a week of hell including split shifts, rude customers, sociopathic chefs, and incompetent managers. They would have to live like waiters for the week too, in a studio apartment with no running water and have to make it to work on time everyday despite a crippling alcohol problem. The waiter's catchphrase would be, "There's no 'I' in team.....but there is in waiter." The show could be adapted to cater for young offenders and gang bangers. From the mean streets to the restaurant floor. Again, bloody genius.

3. The T(r)ip Challenge. A solitary waiter on a voyage of discovery around Ireland. The waiter must get from the most northerly point of the country to the most southerly point surviving only on tips earned in restaurants along the way. He would converse with crazy characters and discover wonderful local foods and customs. He would also learn a little something about himself and his waiting abilities. In each city, town, village, and hamlet he would hook up with different waiters who would give him a little local knowledge. The show could be expanded to include, "The waiter's European Challenge" or even "The Waiter's World." That said, Australian backpackers have been doing this for years........

I don't want to feature in any of these myself but I would settle for a executive producers role and appropriate recompense.

Send money now, thanks.

And if I see these on TV with somebody else getting the credit I'll be round with the "boys" to discuss the issue through the medium of physical violence.

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Brilliant!
I would watch all three of those shows, Manuel, particularly the one about the smart woman side-kick.

Paul Newman is waaaaaay cooler than Robert Redford and far more handsome. If Redford has one more eye lift he's going to look like a cartoon character.

Manuel said...

medbh: funnily enough I like the third one the most......I think it's doable......

daisyfae said...

Waiter P.I. - Not only as a television show, but converted to a campy London theatrical production, and perhaps later a John Waters movie.

go for the franchise. think big!

Manuel said...

daisyfae: yes I quite agree......maybe not with mr waters all the same......in fact definitely not.....

Quickroute said...

I wanted to donate to your worthy cause but couldn't find the PayPal button - then I found one on Betfiar Poker and now I'm broke - Thanks!

B said...

Sorry Manuel but the tip one would fall apart if you came anywhere near the midlands.
Someone genuinely took money from me once for helping them.

MJ said...

Paul Newman's sauce.

Could the gay subtext be any clearer?

Anonymous Boxer said...

I vote for number 3! And I think it IS a viable option. Why not try? Especially here in The States.. we go all nutty for an accent. Even more if we can't understand it.

Seriously. Pitch. It. Gordon Ramsay has got a monopoly.

Blondefabulous said...

I have dreams.... they usually involve my younger husband and I,.... ahem,.... doing "things".

I like the Waiter P.I. idea, but I agree that the 3rd one is more doable. How about a waiter reality show where you take great waiters and put them in an obsticale course. I'd make the last obstacle a lousy tipper and the winner is the person who DOES NOT throttle the shit outta 'em.

Heh, heh, prob no body would win!

Blondefabulous said...

Oh God! I just reread that and I gotta stop taking medication and then commenting on others blogs.

Reality shows suck. What was I thinking????

problemchildbride said...

Ooooh! I love Waiter PI and like Daisymae says it has to be John Waters who directs. Who would play Waiter PI though? I'm thinking a maverick anti-hero - Robert Downey Jr maybe. He could say stuff to the villain at the denouement like "Sorry, buddy, steak's off" or "Freshly ground black pepper? Parmesan? The name of a good lawyer?"

There could be loads of old style restaurant shoot-outs and a long-suffering head-waiter who puts up with Waiter PIs antics in his restaurant because Waiter is just too charming and bewildering to him and besides, he's fond of his scallywag ways deep down.

problemchildbride said...

The T(r)ip Challenge sounds fab too. I'd watch it, for sure.

Manuel said...

quickie: shocking.........very shocking....

b: threats......it's the next best thing.....oh that's called mugging....

mj: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

boxer: and he has the money.......mwahahahaha........I'll emil him.....

blondie: waiters always win...

blondie: too late cant take it back.......

sam: you get a c-credit and associate producer role.....

fatmammycat said...

I loved Higgens and his dogs. So I too back a Waiter PI, Tommy Tiernan could play the waiter, he's hairy and fearsome.

Manuel said...

fmc: actually he would be good......or if it's sort of autobiographical maybe someone more like mr B Pitt or G Clooney......just a thought.......but most likely that gut from gavin and stacy...the fat one.....

savannah said...

#3 would sell in a new york minute to the travel channel here in the states, sugar! hell, they pay some guy to just drink! called the thirsty traveler xoxo

B said...

Guess I was mugged by an 80 year old woman, the only type of person who would put so much effort into stealing 1 euro.

sheepworrier said...

I can't tell you my dreams, they're all durtie...

Manuel said...

savannah: so do you know anyone at the travel channel then?

b: oh they would do it in a heartbeat.....no matter how faint...

sheepo: no there's a surprise....

Native Minnow said...

The T(r)ip show would be awesome! I know I'd watch it. The beauty of it is that you could just do a different country/continent for each season.

Manuel said...

minnow: exactly! free travel and fame......fuck that jut gimme the money......

toast said...

those are everloving awesomes manuel, love them a lot.

Gypsy said...

Well fuckity fuck (I only read here to hear you say that)....I'd watch any of them. I LOVE reality tv.

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