Thursday, 1 May 2008

Phone......

I had to phone a customer this evening to confirm their table for Thursday lunch. It's a two minute call, well it's normally a two minute call.....


"Hello it's Manuel from the restaurant, can I speak to Mr Smith?"

"Hello?"

"Yes hello...eh is that Mr Smith?"

"Hello......hello"

"Yes is that Mr Smith? It's Manuel from the restaurant"

"No there's no Manuel here."

What? Ah sweet Jesus in the manger.......

"NO, I'M MANUEL."

"Who?"

"MAN-UEL from the restaurant, you have a table reserved for lunch on Thursday."

"Brian?"

"What?" I was more confused than he was. Try again.....

"Is that Mr Smith?" I was mouthing the words as slowly and as concisely as I could.

"Yes this is Mr Smith?"

"Great...." I said with relief, at least we have the name confirmed."...this is Manuel from the restaurant, you have a table reserved on Thursday."

At this point I heard a voice in the background.

"Who is it?"

"What?"

"Who is it?" The voice in the background sounded as frustrated as I was.

"It's Brian from...." Shouted Mr Smith to the voice behind him.

"Where you from Brian?" Is this a wind up? Am I on some zany fucking radio show?

For the sake of this phone call and my mental health I just went with Brian....

"It's Brian from the restaurant. It's about your booking for lunch on Thursday"

"It's Brian, he's selling books."

Oh sweet mother of Christ I'm gonna hang up......

"Tell him you don't want any books." Shouted the grump in the background.

"Hello, HELLO! I'm not selling books!'

"He's not selling books."

I wanted to grow hair just to pull it out.

"Have you got your hearing aid in?" Asked the voice in the wilderness.

Say what? Hearing aid?

"What?"

"HAVE YOU GOT YOUR HEARING AID ON?" She shouted.

"No....."

I considered hanging up for real. I don't think either would have noticed. Fuck it, this was turning out rather funny. One more try.

"Mr Smith?"

"Hello who's that?" Either Mr Smith was as mad as a badger and had taken to doing impressions or this was somebody new.

"Hello? Ok......this is Manuel from the restaurant. Mr Smith has a table for 30 booked for lunch. I'm just trying to confirm the final number and time. That's all, no books."

"Ohhhhh the restaurant. Oh yes he'll be there at 12.30 with all his friends."

I left it at that. The three way with Mr and Mrs Smith went on for another two minutes, her relaying everything to Mr Smith who still hadn't put his hearing aid on.

Brilliant, 30 Mr Smiths for lunch. I'm considering drinking vodka for breakfast.

Saying that I have this picture in my mind of the two of them falling about the place with laughter after I hung up the phone.....

20 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Pensioners. They sit at home all day praying for some poor fucker to ring them so that they can have some cheap entertainment at the caller's expense.

Manuel said...

bbb: I'm fucking more convinced now than I was earlier....

dave said...

I can see (hear) it now...

Manuel: "Would you like some wine Sir?"

Pensioner: "Yes, I'm fine thanks"

Manuel: "Christ almighty! Ok, would you like a beer?"

Pensioner: "Piss off. I'm not queer!"

Priceless.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh! You must have been with me this weekend with my Father.....

I HAD TO TALK REALLY LOUD, because he refuses to turn the hearing aid on.

Blondefabulous said...

Reminds me of an old Abbott & Costello sketch.....

Who's on first?
I don't know.
THIRD BASE!

Medbh said...

I hope that you don't have to serve them, Manuel.
You could just order for them and convince them that's what they requested?

savannah said...

another set of pensioners, sugar???? i think you need a vacation soon xoxox

Gypsy said...

I'm just dying to read the post following their lunch reservation. If the builders don't send you off your rocker then Mr Smith and his party of 30 surely will.

sheepworrier said...

Manuel -'Would you like to see the menu sir?'
Mr Smith - 'Oh, I'd say its about quarter past one'

They'll rip the piss outta ya all nite Manuel, I would.

Manuel said...

dave: pass the stoli please.......

boxer: it's very very annoying.......I cant wait to be old(er)

blondie: boom boom......

medbh: I do and there is no getting around it......

savannah: soon.........very soon....

gypsy: yes, yes they will......

sheepo: they had better not, they are booked for lunch......

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

The old play with the young like a cat play with a stunned mouse.

Vicious.

K8 the Gr8 said...

My God but I hate conveniently deaf people.

What you want to do is finish your sentences with something ear-catching, this ensures that your point is well and truly heard.

Repeat after me: "That'll be £78.50 you deaf fat fucker".

Result!

jen said...

Hmmmmmm - loud speaker at the ready?

Mudflapgypsy said...

K8 is right, include something filthy at the end of your sentence.
Works on Mrs M when I think she isn't listening, she always is, she just chooses to ignore me.

Sadhbh said...

you should do like basil fawlty and when they come in mouth everything and then when they turn the hearing aids up to the max, you can shout and frighten them...but thats probly a bit too mean...

Ali said...

*snicker* That's fantastic. Like everyone else, I can't wait to hear about the actual lunch.

yoyo said...

Vodka for breakfast is ALLWAYS a good idea.I'm shocked you havent allready implemented this survival technique. Perhaps that's why you're so cranky at the moment..

INNER VOICES said...

awesome post!

conortje said...

I'm Brian! And so is my wife!

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