Friday, 2 May 2008

D is for...


D is for...

...Doubles. Not double vodkas, whiskeys, or gins although I am very much in favour of all of those. No, a double for a waiter means a double shift. Twelve plus hours with any proper break. Twelve hours of customers. Twelve hours of smiling and being nice and pretending to give a tiny little rats ass about your allergies. Knowing that you have to do a double allows you to prepare, toiletries, food, extra smokes, headache tablets, blog posts written in advance, all the important things. But having one thrust upon you is a shit, it's a shit in a bag with your name on it. A shit in a bag with your name on it in the face. There's no getting out of it either. What you gonna do? Leave your colleagues in the lurch, not likely and the management know it. Doubles suck......

it's also for...

...Dinner. Dinner is served from 5pm, not at 12pm not at 1pm or any other time before 5pm. Is that clear? I think it's obvious. Lunch is anytime from 12pm to 3 maybe 4pm. I don't get the confusion. People phone up and ask to book tables for dinner and then tell me they want a table for 1pm. Are you trying to wind me up? Being a pedantic so and so I always like to correct them. And when we seat you for dinner, after 5pm, please order appropriately. Soup and a portion of chips is not dinner. Think on.......

and...

...Dutch. I love the Dutch, there I've said it. It's not for their liberal views on sex and drugs, which I really don't care about, but for their accent. It's top drawer. "Yesh I'll have the shteak." Saying that, they are poor tippers unless you bring them mayonnaise without them having to ask for it. They will eat anything with mayo. Actually put a camera in front of them and they will eat anything with or without mayo.

as well as...

...Drop. Dropping stuff is shit. I mean take your worst day at work and then do it in front of a hundred people, a lot of them half tanked at that. No matter the restaurant, no matter how classy it is, if you drop something then some asshole will shout,"Yeeeeeeeeeoooowwww!" I really do wish people would stop doing that. Children wouldn't get away with it so why should adults. And if I'm about then they don't. I mean would you like me to come round to the office you work in and wait for you to balls up? I'd be waiting behind you in your cubicle with party poppers, gong, and a mariachi band to celebrate your failure. It gets on my man boobs, stop it.

and not forgetting...

...Death. Ruins the atmosphere, please refrain from dying during service. There was a guest recently who had a serious "turn" as we say round these parts. An ambulance was called by the waiter on shift and she did all she could to help the other guests at the table whilst waiting for the pros. Pity about the three self absorbed pricks who complained about the delay for their food. Death trumps duck in every scenario. Good grief.

and also...

...Dessert. The one course that people think they can order without looking at the menu. "I'll have sticky toffee pudding please." No you wont, we don't bloody do it! Knock it off, read the menu. And when reading the dessert menu try and order the items marked as homemade. They will always be much better than the stuff not marked as being homemade, unless you like Sara Lee inspired keep it in the freezer cheesecake.

and definitely not forgetting...

...Deaf. If you require a hearing aid to hear the waiter please put it in. It will make things so much easier for you but mainly me. Mr Smith continued to call me Brian and I didn't have the heart to correct him. He was pretty much the youngest guest in a table of 26 and he must have been a spritely 82!! "What?" was the word of the day. They couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear them what with the mumbling and rattling of false teeth. But they were a spirited group and certainly did quite a bit of damage to many many bottles of wine. I really like serving large groups of old people. They like a laugh and have all the time in the world to tell you daft stories about what the cat did in the garden and so on. Plus you cant bullshit old people, you really cant, they can spot bullshit at a thousand paces.......they just cant hear it.........

"E" is for everyone

coming soon.

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Now "Drunk" I expected to see, but not "Death."
Yeah, that's a downer when you're out dining.

I always had major mood swings working doubles. Brutal.

Manuel said...

medbh: twelve hours thursday same friday......fucking shattered already......

Bock the Robber said...

Strange. I always had dinner at about one o'clock until I went to live among those strange southern Brits.

The North-of-England Brits still know what dinner-time means though, and I'm sorry I didn't live among them instead.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Drugs. You left out drugs.I want (stories about) drugs. Now I feel like somebody took the (home-made) vanilla crème out of my brulée.

bendersbetterbrother said...

You going off soon to London?

Manuel said...

bock: northeners have dinner at 12pm.....and tea at 6....odd people...

bbb: hahahahaha maybe I'll do another d...off on tuesday....just the matter of two doubles a saturday night and a bank hol to be dealt with first....

Bock the Robber said...

So did most Irish people until we decided it wasn't posh.

Manuel said...

bock: I would have too but dad is/was a chef and he had it beat into us that lunch was at 12 and dinner was at 6.....

samcrea said...

oh the cheer for the broken pint glass.. Imagine going around to the office they work in and cheering when they get a paperjam, or whatever bugs them... GETS MY BLOOD BOILING!!

SAm - Barman

Manuel said...

sam: it's a bloody heartbreaker eh....honestly you wouldn't let a child away with it......imagine standing in the bank hollering when the teller gets the count wrong.....they'd chuck you out...

daisyfae said...

i like the idea of cheering when other folks dick something up...

the bus driver hits the curb? everyone jeers! the actor flubs a line? programs are tossed on the stage! a policeman beats an innocent man? crowds gather and mockery ensues!

an imbecile president invades a country under false pretense at the behest of evil minions? the entire country screams wildly and moves away...

(sigh)

Gypsy said...

D is for dirt bag...Are you serious that 3 Tossers actually had the stones to complain about the delay when some poor bastard was about to depart this world? That defies belief.

MJ said...

"Yesh I'll have the shteak."

Those people weren't Dutch.

They were a table full of Sean Connery impersonators!

Anonymous Boxer said...

My knees ached just reading this post.

Sorry.

Native Minnow said...

There are two things I can't stand in this world:

1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures

and

2. The Dutch.

(to quote a certain Mr. Powers)

savannah said...

*sigh* i'm going back to bed, sugar, this made me tired all over again! xoox

StFarmer said...

Some people in the US refer to the noon meal as dinner and the evening meal as supper.

sheepworrier said...

Yeeeeeeeeeoooowwww!

English Mum said...

I hate to admit this, but my disreputable Dad does that in restaurants. He thinks it's really funny to applaud every resounding loudly and cheer as well. I can't begin to imagine the amount of grollies that have found their way into his pudding. Heh.

English Mum said...

Crash. That should have said 'every resounding crash'.

S'Friday.

Ariel said...

Oh boy, this sounds so very familiar... I have only one teeny bit of advice, which is what I repeat to myself like a mantra when surroundering by a bunch of old, penny-pinching, deaf and sometimes questionably alive clients: it's work, think of the money. And please, do make sure you look after yourself otherwise you could be the one they cart off in an ambulance next. Imagine the complaints: "the waiter died holding our main course, how dare he?!".

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

This encyclopedia has to be bookised. It really has to be.

It's incredible that people would complain about service when somebody's busy dying at the next table.

Has anyone ever almost been born in your restaurant?

English Mum said...

Ooh...a lady's water broke in Marks and Spencer next to me once. I always wondered whether she got vouchers or something. Manuel, would they get a comp for that???

witchypoo said...

"A shit in a bag with your name on it in the face."
Classic.

Old Knudsen said...

BLOODY DUTCH!

I don't have lunch and dinner is between 5pm and 6pm, its the law.

I love it when someone drops glasses oh how I cheer. Dead or dying people don't need food so get yer priorities straight.

Manuel said...

I promise I will reply tomorrow.....or maybe the day after ........it's hard to say.....but I will reply.......

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