Monday, 26 May 2008

Outbreak of peace...

You'll like this.....

I was performing my usual Saturday morning rituals, "stop it and tidy up", emptying the many ash trays, listening to Fighting Talk on the radio, trimming my nasal hair, seasoning my new skillet, (Isn't life wonderful?) when there was a knock on the door. I nearly cut the nose of myself! It was a big fisted knock, why use the door bell when you can just ram your knuckles into the wood!?

There stood, in all his over weight glory, the number two builder from next door.

"How's yis doin?" he asked in a thick Tyrone accent.

"Eh.....fine." I was taken aback by his friendly nature. The last time we spoke he threatened to "fuck ye into the skip". Which was a threat I took quite seriously. He could probably have done it whilst eating a sandwich and reading the newspaper at the same time.

"Listen...." he said "....we have fixed yer wall there and thon gate will be done by Monday or maybe Tuesday."

"Oh right .....eh....thanks for that."

"And we'll be getting a boy round til clean up yer yard after that."

"That's just great, thanks for that." I was well pleased.

"Jaysus fella no problem......." There then ensued a lively debate about the football and the weather and the price of houses in the area.

It was all a bit weird.

But the weirdest bit of all?

He was wearing a T-Shirt with "NO MORE WAR" emblazoned on it in big block letters. It was like he had chosen it on purpose. Tremendous effort! It was the equivalent of a white flag, "I come in peace" if you will.

The end of the builder bother then? We'll see......

*******

In other news I'm off to Dundalk on Monday and Tuesday to, wait for it, give a presentation on how best to earn tips! Ha! The irony being that I wont be making any tips on what would be a very fruitful bank holiday. I'll probably open with that line too. How the fuck do I get myself into these things? I'm thinking of giving the presentation in the style of Frank T.J. Mackey, "Respect the waiter, tame the guest" or maybe not. I couldn't be that big of an asshole.......

Back Tuesday sometime.

13 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Yay!
Knock em dead, Manuel. Be generous with all your experience and school them.
I hope you're making an appearance fee?

daisyfae said...

i'd recommend cautious optimism with the builder. remember the aliens in "Mars Attacks" - "we come in peace, we mean you no harm". True for many sci fi movies... careful. he might bust out a ray gun of evil, brutish stupidity yet...

bendersbetterbrother said...

Fuck the speeches, get back to the grind and earn some moola. You'll not see any medals for it, you know.
Who sucked you into that one then?

savannah said...

tell me that you're being compensated profusely, sugar! xoxox

(jaysus, typing while drunk is beyond difficult)

Builder # 2 said...

And then I'll push yer shite over a wheelie bin as payment.

Old Knudsen said...

Don't forget to tell them how they get paid and shouldn't be getting tips anyway. Will there be any peelers there as they have a confidental tips hotline?
In my day we called them bribes.

problemchildbride said...

Any perks to this gig?

Go get 'em, manuel! If you can't get them to increase their tips, noone can.

sheepworrier said...

Seriously. A 2 day course on how to get better tips? That's definately money well spent...

Manuel said...

medbh: I might throw a hat round at the end.......

daisyfae: bwahahahahaha brilliant....

bbb: I don't know! That's the thing......I'm so pissed you have no idea.....

savannah: hahahahahaha you're worse than me....

builder 2: ha!

old k: hahahahahahahaha rice krispes everywhere......

sam: none that I can see......

sheepo: yeah for them......not me.....I know already!

fatmammycat said...

Holy crap, polite and useful. Be careful. And good luck with the speech!

Blondefabulous said...

And just how were you approached for this fine educational position?

Gypsy said...

Lets hope the builders are ready to call a truce and our Manuel can once again get some shut eye.

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