Friday, 23 May 2008

F...


F is for...

...Foodie. Oh sweet Jebus and all the other super best friends can anyone save us from foodies? There are people who go out for dinner who can tell if the meal is good or bad. Then there are people who appreciate good food and can tell the difference between sea bass and sea bream and can pronounce everything on the menu properly. Then there are the foodies. They can name the farm the meat came from. They know the captain of the boat that caught the fish. They know which fucking field the kale was grown in. Fuck they know what kale is! They talk about the scene in Tokyo or New York right now and drop names, first names, of celebrity chefs like they were personal friends. The foodie is always middle class. They have a vegetable patch in their garden that they never shut the fuck up about and no meal would be complete without them telling you about the simply gorgeous salad they made the day before. They are bores. Talk about sucking the very life out of something that should be enjoyed not made into a chemistry class. I love my food, hell given the chance I would love yours too but lets keep things in perspective. I'm sure Gordon would agree. (The only exception being Italian Foodies)

it's also for...

...FFS. For fucks sake. It's rarely said out loud unless of course you are remonstrating with a chef about whether or not they should be remaking the steak they have probably overcooked. Probably. Most often it is muttered as you walk away from a table or it's a thought rolling around your noggin as they guest decided between the fish and the other fish. It's not the only expletive in the waiters armory but it is my most used expression of frustration and annoyance.

and...

...The French. If it hadn't been for the French and their ability to cook and eat anything there would be no good food. In the old days (1950's) people would eat straight from the animal with no thought given to cleaning, cooking, rubbing it with herbs or spices. They still live like that in some parts of North Antrim. God bless the French and their wonderful ways with herbs and small animals. They even gave us the word restaurant! It's derived from the word restaurer, which means restore. Huh bet you didn't know that. The whole of the industry is littered with French words, from the kitchen to the menu to the swearing waiters. Technically I am a Serveur de restaurant. Actually I am a grumpy (hungover) angry little man. The Serveur de restaurant does a bit of everything unlike the Chef de rang who supervises a section or the Demi-chef de rang who clears plates and fills water glasses. Doesn't that sound better than buss boy? Everything sounds better in French, gravy becomes jus, chicken dunkers becomes goujon de poulet, and even Adam Sandler becomes bearable when said in a French accent. The French, and Escoffier in particular, gave us the modern restaurant as we know it and if it wasn't for them I would be a simple plate carrier but thanks to them I am a snooty plate carrier who looks down on you when you struggle with simple words like jus. Viva la France! Viva la snootiness!

and...

...Fucking. Strong word. But then again when you decide to get your end away in a bathroom stall of a restaurant I have to assume it's more about getting your jam roll than a deep and passionate love. What is wrong with people? Seriously! How can a simple meal for two turn into a fuckfest in the toilets? STOP IT! Please stop it. Someone has to clean up after you, not me obviously. But stop it!

I'm sure there are many other things that begin with F but I am fucking dying here with a mongtastic hangover. Two bottles of wine. Pathetic.

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

OMG, I cringe having to use public washrooms. Who in their right mind want to fuck in one?
Ghastly.
Another excellent entry into the waiter's glossary, Manuel!

savannah said...

damn, sugar! this has to be the best glossary entry, so far! foodies & wine snobs both can suck farts out of dead seagulls as far as i'm concerned! ;-) xoxo

B said...

Brilliant post!
Manuel's F-Word(s)

The foodie is also the person who must fellate every single item of food they even contemplate buying in a shop.
The more idiotic ones will even do it with frozen food.

Fucking? ...in a restauraunt?
That's a lie.

problemchildbride said...

foodies & wine snobs both can suck farts out of dead seagulls as far as i'm concerned!

Weak! I'm weak. I'm imagining that in Savannah's lovely Southern accent except outraged.

Fucking in the loo? Do you have especially commodious loos? Lugubrious loos? What do you reckon is the loo-fucks per year number at your restaurant? Is it more men in the women's toilet or women in the men's toilet?

As you can see, I'm interested.

Nother letter beautifully glossarised, toots!

HB said...

I thought of you wistfully this week as I was visiting my fathers' side of the family... every time we go out to eat I have to somehow slip the server $10-20 because they (Dad and Grandpa) are notorious “keep the change” tippers. You can imagine that plus the fact that I am cut off from the internet makes reading the all the post waiting for me when I get home all the better.

MJ said...

F is for fava bean.

And a nice chianti.

Gypsy said...

F...is for fuckity fuck...that is my very favourite Manuel expression of all.

No matter how bottles of bubbly I've consumed, there is no way I would be caught dead having sex in a restaurant toilet unless there was a nice comfy chaise longue in there and the grandaddy of all locks on the door. I like me some comfort and I won't lower THAT standard for anyone.....

sheepworrier said...

Ah, leave the toilet fornicators alone - do yous not remember the 1st throes of a young relationship when everything was exciting and you literally couldn't keep your hands off eachother?
Its still pretty disgusting tho...

Manuel said...

medbh: glossary? much better word.......

savannah: bwahahahahahaha

b: a lie? Well I never.....it's true....sad and depressing and true.....

sam: I come across used condoms at least once a month......no pun intended

hb: bless......

mj: how do you write that teeth sucking thingy?

gypsy: yes a woman must have standards!

Manuel said...

sheepo: young? if only you knew........i dont work in a pizza hut you know......i miss the hut

Crispy said...

How can anyone be bothered having some of "how's your father" after eating...or do they do it before to work up an appetite ? Mmmmmmmmm!?

Blondefabulous said...

Fricassee.

Fried.

Frankfurters.

All F-words I hope not to see in a better eating establishment.

I agree with Gypsy......Fuckity-fuck is hilarious!

sheepworrier said...

Heh, I can just picture Manuel as some sorta Hugh Grant rip-off...

bendersbetterbrother said...

When you say sex in a restaurant you don't mean a takeaway, right?
Just checking.

Sparkalina said...

Foodies! The very worst kind is the kind that sits across the table from you, reads the menu and loudly proclaims "Well, I am going to have the XXXXX because I am a Foodie!"

Um, if you have to tell us then...YOU ARE NOT! YOU ARE A SNOB WHO WANTS TO FEEL SELF IMPORTANT! Rant over. Her name is Micki and she lives in South Florida.

B said...

If you go on a holiday purely to eat different types of food, does that make you dangerously indulgent?

carine said...

I have just discovered your blog and i love it.

I too, am suffering from the mother of all hangovers today and your writing has provided let up from the pain, so sincere thanks for that.

I also worked for years as a waitress and agree wholeheartedly with your frustrations.

I also despise the whole 'foodie' thing, particularly because (and I'm a bit concerned that this will mean you'd hate me) I write a food blog. I must stress: NOT IN A MIDDLE CLASS FOODIE WAY, I just love food, I love cooking, and I enjoy writing about it. I HATE 'foodies'. I can't actually say the word without contorting my face.

Oh, and fucking in the toilet? So so wrong.

x

Manuel said...

crispy: never mind that......you really are bored aren't you? full profile and everything....

blondie: Fuckity-fuck Fuckity-fuck Fuckity-fuck.......just for you....

sheepo: eh?

bbb: no...definitely not.....oh and your kids special will be next week......

sparkalina: welcome! Well outed......you'll fit in just fine round here.....

b: no......that's just fine.....very fine...

carine: welcome! and I had a little look at your food blog and really rather liked it.....

Native Minnow said...

Screwing in a bathroom stall = classy

bridie knight said...

Have you seen this foodies site: http://oad.typepad.com/
Its an eye opener.

John said...

Lovely blog. Damn funny. Will visit again for sure.

Crispy said...

So bored, here I am, housework all done, kids out with their da, emails checked and before contemplating facebook I thought I would read some blog....get out of bed you lazy arse and get cracking...it's saturday and today's letter is G....great,good, God and everone's favourite Gordon (s)!! Is it too early for Gin!?

emma said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7418321.stm

thought you might be interested in this.

xxE

livesbythewoods said...

F is also for Faddy. People who go out for a meal and then decline to order anything on the menu because it contains some ingredient they have an "allergy" to.

I hate that.

And Fasting - had a mate who did one of those bizarre dramatic weight loss things where she ate NOTHING but special shakes for 6 weeks, and she still came out for a meal. Sat there drinking water all night and looking smug.

Have a nice cup of tea and a digestive, you'll soon feel better.

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

hahaha you're lucky, was beginning to worry;) I'm off to change the name!!

toast said...

oooh with the North Antrim digs.... did you think that would just slip by? right enough, 'wipe its arse and put it on a plate' is an expression i know well, so you may have a point

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