Friday, 21 March 2008

More Wiseguy trouble......

Sometimes they get to me before they even arrive.

Sometimes they send me on a downwards spiral before the doors are even open.
A downwards spiral of swearing, shouting, and chain smoking.

It's not easy done, but not impossible.

Sometimes I think I'm too tightly wound, but mostly I know it's everybody else's fault.
table for.....?

I had just started at work and was gleefully setting up the coffee machine, some things take priority, when the phone rang...

"Good morning this is The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Manuel speaking. How can I help you?" I had my cheery morning voice on. My cheery morning voice can melt the hearts of even the darkest souls. Honest, I'm quite pleasant on the phone.

"What?" Said the gruff sounding caller. I wasn't sure which part of my "hello" he didn't understand so I just repeated it.

"Aye can I book a table for Saturday?"

"Certainly sir. How many for and what time suits you best?"

"Wha?"

"How many for and what time?" I asked, again, still cheery, a little confused but still cheery.

"Seven." Said Mr Chatty

"Seven o'clock or seven people sir?"

"What?" It was as if I had asked him the size of his pee pee such was his annoyance. Jesus H this guy was starting to rattle me a bit.

"Seven people." he snapped.

"What time, sir?" I snapped back. Fuck this, two can play at Mr Pricky phone call. I'm actually very good at being a prick on the phone.

"Eight or nine."

"Which sir, eight or nine?"

"For fuck sake I just wanna book a table for dinner." Oh, did he just swear at me? I think he did! Game over! Goodbye Mr Cheery, hello Mr Snappy Waiterman.

"Okay, and I just wanna take your booking. So if you can pick a time I can book it for you."

"What?"

"What.....time.......sir?"

"Eight o'clock."

"A table for 7 at eight o'clock then sir, brilliant. Now I just need your name and phone number." I said as the sarcasm dripped down the phone.

" Paddy."

"Paddy, sir?"

"Paddy"

"And your phone number Mr Paddy?" I added the mister just for the fun of it as I knew it would annoy him. Little victories people, little victories.

"Why do you need my phone number?"

AAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHH! You have to be fucking kidding me? I hadn't considered the guy to be dodgy until now. But I am assuming he is one of Belfast's many many "Wiseguys." Dripping in gold, sporting Timberland boots, stripy jumper, 3 year old BMW and ugly child eating dog. And this clearly goes some way to explain his reluctance to give me any information. Clearly he was skilled in counter intelligence and and anti-interrogation techniques.

"Sir I need your phone number to secure the booking. No phone number, no booking." I was pacing now.

I could hear him shuffling about, no doubt deciding which of his many phone numbers he could safely give out. I got his number and said, "Okay that's just great Mr Paddy, we look forward to seeing you and your guests on Saturday night." That was sarcasm at it's best.

He replied with, "What?"

I just hung up, obviously......

20 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Maybe he won't show?
Or at least tip well?
The drug trade must be doing well in Belfast, Manuel.
It'll be like those guys on St. Paddy's, only I'm guessing it'll be date night.
Yikes.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Remember to give him a "Wha?" for everything he says to you tomorrow night.

MJ said...

Mind you don't get paddywhacked.

savannah said...

not good, sugar...not good at all! you know, of course, they won't show at 8pm and there will be more than 7 people and it will be a pain in the ass for your entire staff that night. why can't the wiseguys patronize one of their own money laundering establishments?

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh! I don't like people who don't have manners or the ability to put a complete sentence together.

It's the same kind of guy who will show up at 7:00 pm with EIGHT people and say it was your fault.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Table by the toilets for them - no question.

ellie said...

I shall pray that his licence is revoked before 8pm tomorrow. You don't need anymore stripey jumpers. Wha?

sheepworrier said...

Why did you take the booking ya eejit? He'll bring the entire spide family: Mrs Paddy, Chardonnay, Britney, Jonto, Anto, Kylie and wee Paddy.
I pity whoever is serving that table.

Manuel said...

medbh: oh he'll show, all attitude and cheap aftershave....

bbb: or my favourite, "What is it?"

mj: boom boom

savannah:the first excuse I get to cancel his booking I'm taking it....

boxer: I know what you are saying, but they are also cash rich......I'm in a quandary.....

sam: yeah but that would be one of my tables!

ellie: brown sauce, gravy, and ketchup with salmon.....uuurrrgh

sheepo: bwahahahahahaha I thought you would be off work today....

sheepworrier said...

Well I wouldn't really call it 'work' today - more like 'the boss is off so lets all piss about' time.

Mudflapgypsy said...

He'll be the big bror of tha spides who were in the orr day, wha?
You takin' bets--well done steak??

sheepworrier said...

well done steek!

savannah said...

LOL@ the well done steak bet!

Green Ink said...

See what you did there? You looked after those last wankers so well they went off and told their mates. This is only the beginning...

Caro said...

You must be getting a reputation as the new Goodfellas. Who'd have thought thugs read restaurant reviews?

I'll be sure to tune in on Sunday...

warriorwoman said...

So did the nasty man show up for his reservation?

yoyo said...

Good luck, manuel,here comes the big weekend..

OneForTheRoad said...

I'm sure you'll get another post out of this gang of chuckles..

Manuel said...

sheepo: ah it ain't easy eh....someones gotta do it...or not

muddy: no doubt......no doubt at all....

sheepo: hahahahahaha

savannah: I'll eat my fist if he doesn't order one...

greeny: I KNOW!

Caro: If I'm still alive I'll let you know...

warriorwoman: saturday.....

yoyo: awh thanks....I might chuck a little....

oftr: I'm sure I could dedicate a whole week to them....I wont

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