Thursday, 20 March 2008

When the cast of Crimewatch came for dinner

...and now for something completely different

"YO! Yous do meals?"
asked the jittery young man with the figure of a ballerina and haircut like a squaddie.

"Excuse me?"
replied the sweaty busy "young" waiter with the figure of a sumo wrestler and haircut like a egg.

Ignoring my attempt at clarification he persisted, "What food do yis do? Yous gat steaks? Wah?"

Christ, thought I,
this is gonna be fun.



"Yes sir, we serve food in this restaurant(!) and we serve 3 types of steak. Do you have a table reserved this evening?" I would have eaten my own fist if he had.

"No...." he said getting a bit exasperated/confused. "What? Booked? Nah wah? Book us a table then."

"Yes sir, I think we have an opening at 5pm, is that ok?"

"Aye aye shweeeeeet."

"How many for sir?"

He counted out his chums, Anto, Banto, Sminty, Dozo, Bozo, and Brian. His eyes went a bit funny and the veins in his neck started pulsating then he shouted out "SEVEN" like he was answering a question on a quiz show.

I added his name to the already bulging booking sheet and then asked him for his phone number. He took the three phones from his pocket and took a moment to decide which number to give me. I assume some lines cant be taken up with grumpy waiters. I got a number and off he toddled. I hoped he wouldn't return with his 6 chums.

But an hour later there they were at the door, all jittery, all wearing nasty jumpers, all carrying a collection of mobile phones, and all sporting the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Why me?

"Where we sitting mate?" asked the leader of the gang. And I mean gang like the bloods or the crips not like west side story. But come to think of it.....

"This way mate." Mate? The cheeky bastard, I'm not his mate.

I presented the menus which was amusing. They looked at each other, looked at me, and then the lead one said, "What have yis got mate? Just tell us."

"It's all on the menu, mate." I had to walk away. They destroyed the perfectly set table within seconds. Glasses were knocked over, cutlery was shoved out of the way, and one had taken to spinning the salt cellar. I was getting very twitchy and upset. I wouldn't normally stand for this type of behavior but I'm not stupid. These lads weren't the sort to complain to a manager when there was the option of kicking me in the balls and stabbing me in the face. It was truly like serving the school bullies.

A moment or two later I returned to the table to take their order. Well done steaks all round, no sauces, and one even added a very specific caveat/warning, "I'll nat be eating a fucking bit of it if ders any fucking blood. Right?"

The rest laughed like chimps. I thought it ironic that he should be so squeamish about a bit of blood on his plate when I'm sure he is no stranger to blood on his fist. Cunt.

"Yes sir."

After a suitable wait for prime Irish Sirloin steak to be burnt to a block of cinders I served their food. I brought their ketchup, brown sauce, and mayo. I brought them their bottles of bud. I nearly brought up my Snickers bar as I stood back and watched them eat, mouths open. Food, drink, spit and other fluids spilling out and onto the table. It was shocking and disgusting. But hard not to watch.

But the moment of the day was still to come.

The burp chorus!

Each one took it in turn to burp as loud as they could, each burp greeted with a rowdy chorus of laughing and banging of fists on the table. I was beside myself. I had another table of 14 in the same section, a genteel and reserved table. I need to save their middle class ears from the horror behind them. I started jabbering about the weather and Easter holidays and anything that would focus their attention on me and not at the cavemen on the the next table. All completely pointless too.

Moments later they got the bill and left. The good thing about drug dealer types is that they are loaded in cash and they tend to throw it about like confetti. They tipped about 25%, which was nice.

But still, I could have lived without them and their burping and "yo-ing" and hands down their trousers etc.........

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Where you working now, Spide-you-like?

At least they weren't with their girlfriends. Can you imagine what that table of 14 would have been like?

Green Ink said...

u shud hav a menu n txt spk 4 drug delers.

Manuel said...

bbb: it would have been a table of 32 including nasty children too.....yuk....

green ink: or photos.....it's not good....

daisyfae said...

at least they were goodfellas and left a decent tip. perhaps enough to pay a therapist or buy good drugs...

Manuel said...

daisyfae: and i felt no guilt about taking their dodgy money....paid with £50's too.....

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

I'd rather sit next to a quiet farter than a noisy, open-mouthed, stinky belcher. God, a burp-pride-fest - that's revolting.

Native Minnow said...

Belching? Really? Who does that? I mean, who besides teenage boys? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good belch in the privacy of your own home, but in a public restaurant? That's class.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I think it's funny you filled a table at 5:00 p.m. That was the first clue they were "trouble" - they took it.

25% however......

Rosie said...

why hello there, Pot! have you met Kettle?

Caro said...

People ordering well-done steak is such a pet hate of mine. That pisses me off even more than the burping.

sheepworrier said...

Youve started working in pizza hut again, havent you...
Was there an increase in stabbings and police activity in the area immediately after they left?

Tell me one of them said "beezer" or "jo baxi", go on.
Cunts.

Manuel said...

Sam: every part of them was revolting....

minnow: forgive them minnow, they know not what they do.......

boxer: hell they would have taken boxes out the back beside the bins.......munchies eh...

rosie: I guessed someone would say that. Now the difference being that Giles Corens's review was inaccurate, Andersonstown is as far removed form a Loyalist enclave as you can get. It was nasty and made remarks that weren't called. My post today is indeed accurate, the remarks are indeed called for. Also my post today is about the those particular guests, Coren's review was meant to be about the food. Loooky, they are not the same....

caro: savages......

sheepo: aye, schweeeet, here big fella, give us a liquor, and so on......

savannah said...

no place is immune, sugar! even a dress code doesn't help...25% isn't enough! think they'll be back?

Rosie said...

you say potato, i say potato, etc. i suspect the confusion over menus had more to do with literacy difficulties than a desire to have you earn your 25%.

both reviews made me laugh, i'll concede.

Manuel said...

savannah: aye they'll be back.......with their lady friends too....aarrgggh!!

rosie: pfft...my pain is others amusement...hehehehehe

ellie said...

Were the "nasty jumpers" striped by any chance? Are you getting the rejects from Scratch/The Fly? Maybe you should have a No Jumpers Allowed Policy.

25% well earned all the same ... belchhhhh

dave said...

Glad you are happy with me an me mates 25%.
We'll be back soon, mate.
Dead on mate!

yoyo said...

It's okay. Avoid eye contact, and feed them, and you'll be fine.

You are a brave waiter indeed.

Medbh said...

At least they were generous. No manners and cheap would be grounds for shooting them.
I'm guessing they didn't stay long, either?

fatmammycat said...

Snark, you've been oiked. Hoo-yah.

yoyo said...

So were these chavs or what?
I think when such creatures use the term 'mate' it's like, trying to be friendly or something?

I can see why it would rankle though.

We should all send manuel presents and chocolate to help him get over what he's been through.

Ed said...

I'm you left with 25% and not a glassing... you must be a very good waiter.

Manuel said...

ellie: how'd you guess?!

dave: you wish you were that hard.....hehehe

yoyo: I had to resist all my normal urges to sarcasm and snootiness.....

medbh: in and out.....things to do, stuff to sell....

fmc: not for the first time....

yoyo: just money thank you.....

ed: yes, yes I am....very very good...magnificent even.....

Old Knudsen said...

Did you miss the lifting the arse cheeks for the during dinner farting?

Manuel said...

now that you mention it there was an odd smell....

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

oooh nasty but you just gotta get on with unfortunatley, happens with us all the time, usually requests for kebabs and chips because we are a take-away!!! Hellooooo!!!!

Manuel said...

oooh the dirty rotten.......

Mudflapgypsy said...

Yo, big lad, spide is as spide does, wha?

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