Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Three bed wetters and a tomato

subtle eh

When did the hard assed people of Belfast turn into a bunch of weenie whinny bed wetters? I'm not being rhetorical by the way, I want to know.....

It seems I'm spending most of my time wiping the moist eyes of fully grown adults who should know bloody better. For example there was a guy on Saturday who threw a major league tantrum because he thought the waiter was ignoring him. He wanted to see the manager, who at this point was shoulder deep inside an over flowing toilet. I figured that if I went into get him we would end up swapping places. No thank you very much. So I took off my apron and assumed the role of Glorious Leader for a moment. The gent was near in tears, I could actually see them building in the corners of his eyes, actual tears! Mother of all that is Sacred!

It took me a good five minutes to assure him that he wasn't being ignored. He had settled his bill and was finishing his drink, why would the waiter go back to him? In the ned I had to get him a taxi home, open the door of the taxi, put him in the taxi and wave him off just to reassure his ego that we all deeply love him and would never ignore him. Little did i know he was just the first of a night of bed wetters.....


Then there was the other bed wetter extraordinaire who asked me to change his steak as there was a grilled tomato on his plate.

What?

"Yeah I don't eat tomato, don't like them. Never have done, they taste yuk."

He actually said yuk. This fully grown, professional looking, man of about 40 maybe 45 years old said tomatoes are, "YUK". I was tempted to ask if they made him sicky in his tum tum. But I didn't.

So you want a new steak?

"Eh yeah...it's just the tomato....."

K....eh I'll see what the chef says. He'll probably just take the tomato off though.

He looked really upset, I mean it must have been a great relief to him that he had his wife with there to help him through this damn difficult time. She held his hand across the table as I spoke to him they way someone would as if they knew their friend was about to get bad news.

Good grief.
tomatoes don't kill people
waiters do


Clearly the plate didn't even make it to the chef. One tomato-echtomy and a plate change later and the plate was back at the crestfallen man's table again. Tomatoes, and I should declare I'm no expert, are very unlikely to move about on your plate of their own accord. I mean if you wanted to avoid a tomato on your plate it wouldn't be so hard. It's not like an unwanted sauce that oozes it's way around your plate covering all in it's creamy path. This incident saddened me some what. But worse was still to follow....


Stereotype or not Irishmen and men from Belfast who may not consider themselves to be Irish have an ability to drink alcohol in large quantities. We, I say we but I really don't count, know our way around a bar, we know the required etiquette such as ordering Guinness before other drinks. We know that we need to order our drinks quickly or we lose our turn, it's not like ordering food were a certain amount of humming and haaaa'ing is expected. We know what happens if we get a bad pint, the nice bar man changes it. If we spill some punters pint we buy them another before we get our teeth kicked in. We know these things, we aren't taught them, we just know them, or so I thought.

Bed wetter the third was a go-get-em slick professional type, would have been called a yuppie in the 90's, you know the sort. He came to the bar, ordered a vodka, got said vodka, paid for said vodka, end of transaction. It should he noted he only bought one drink which means he is a tight git or has no mates. I reserve judgement. Ten minutes later the doorman is looking for the Glorious Leader, who was still up to his shoulder in blocked toilet. I retrieved him. Bed wetter the third had run to the doorman looking for satisfaction as his drink had been spilt and the bar staff wouldn't get him another one on the house and was now demanding to see the manager.

Good grief, again.

The Glorious Leader wasn't having any of it. BW III was getting shirty and demanding another drink.

"But why should we, we never spilt your drink?" Countered the GL

"But my hands never touched it!" he answered.

"My hands never touched it"? Good Holy Fuckwalla! Now all he needed to do was to stick out his bottom lip, stamp his foot, and claim his sister had done it and he would have been just like me, when I was five that is.

Negotiations went on for a further five minutes until the GL realised he still had an over flowing crapper to deal with. He took BW III to the bar, got him his drink and insisted he hold it with two hands this time. Well I laughed, hard......

Men of Belfast, what has happened to you? Grow an fucking set again will ya? Tomato never killed anyone, if you spill you drink get the fuck over it and just buy another, and if you want another drink just bloody say so. I'm embarrassed for you, you're turning us into the English......

p.s free badge and reader loyalty card available below...

28 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Thanks. You've made me realise I'm much too reasonable when out dining.

The tomato guy. I think I'd have said "If this was your mum's house would you expect her to cook another steak or might she, perhaps, have just told you to WISE THE FUCK UP and slide the fucking tomato off the plate."

Then I'd be looking for a job on Monday. In hindsight your way was better.

Manuel said...

BBB: one day though one day......

Old Knudsen said...

That rude gesture at the top made me cry. Maybe the man had tomatophobia and here is you getting a laugh at his expense, maybe his mam was run over by a Heinz ketchup lorry but he didn't want to tell you that. I'd make my mum cook me another steak.

Medbh said...

Mmmm, tomatoes.
At this time in the winter I would punch someone for a good tomato instead of the sickly pink ones I see in the market.

Your job sounds more like babysitter than waiter thanks to your guests, Manuel.
Stay strong, brother.

nursemyra said...

do you want me to call by with my instruments?

fatmammycat said...

Upset over a tomato? A bloody tomato ON HIS PLATE? Ridiculous. Shit I hate cucumber, but I wouldn't fly into a panic about it sharing the same tableware. What a dip shit.

Anonymous said...

Another excellent post, Manuel.

I'm not sure about the Irish knowing about ordering a Guinness first, though. I've served many of them over the years, and they seem to me to be as equally bad at ordering Guinness as the next person.

conortje said...

You should have made them write out 50 times on their napkins 'I will grow up one of these days'

Nick said...

Man who thought he was being ignored? Man who wanted his tomato removed? Man complaining of spilt drink? I would say trivial complaints like that are an obvious sign of stress. There's a lot more of it about these days. But in that case, why don't these people change their job, get a new girl friend or whatever rather than taking it out on long-suffering waiters?

sheepworrier said...

Very true Manuel, we do seem to be turning into a nation of whiney c**ts.
Seems like when we had it bad, we looked for the good things in life and didn't complain about much. Now that we have it good, we look for little pissy things to upset us.
At least I have my snuggly wuggly teddy bear to make it all better for me.

Gypsy said...

What a bunch of pansies!! When I was a server I must have been WAY more patient than I am now. My reaction to any one of those 3 sooks would definitely get me fired so its just as well I am an Avon lady and my own boss.

Conan Drumm said...

Next thing you'll have metrosexuals in Belfast. What? You have them already!?

MJ said...

I suggest you supply bibs for Belfast's baby men.

Spoon feed them right there at the table, then burp them.

Native Minnow said...

I used to work with a girl who would almost always send food back when dining out. It got to the point that I refused to eat with her because it was so embarrassing. Even she wasn't as bad as Mr. Tomato on the plate though.

Niall said...

Good lord, it was bound to happen, bring back the troubles. when men were men and bed wetters were scared.

Dude day what you want about the country types but at least we are not that bad. we may haggle the price of a portion of peas but come on are we really that bad?

Anonymous said...

Tomato Man must have been in California! We are plagued with these a**holes. As a customer subjected to these whiners I frequently mock them loud enough for others to hear. Rude---yes but I didn't pay good money to be subjected to their nonsense.

Twenty Major said...

I like the new look. Cleaner. More hygienic.

INNER VOICES said...

you all are too fucking nice, one hand lifting the bed wetters collar the other to open the front door and a foot in the ass on the way out. "spill your drink eh, i'll spill yer fuckin drink, get the hell outta here!" slam!
but i guess you'd have to "grow a set" for that.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Bwahahahahahaah.

You should be upcharging for day care.

Manuel said...

old K: tomatophobia eh...I hope that's not made up...

Medbh: jester tomatoes are the very best...It feels like baby sitting sometimes....

Nursemyra: hell yes.....

FMC: precious or what!?

Anonymous: cheers.....I know what you mean but we have to make allowances for the amateurs I suppose.....

Conortje: or "I AM A CRY BABY"

nick: yes I like your train of thought there nick.....

Sheepo: it's so bloody true too....and you cant even spill hot coffee on them any more without them threatening to sue you....Can I get a go with your teddy bear?

Gypsy: I thought that said penises rather than pansies....made me laugh.....

conan: no comment ......man bags don't count k?

MJ: it's getting to that point....

Manuel said...

minnow: I hope you shun her now....

Niall: yes.... but even baby belfast men tip.....country types still don't...the cunts.....

Anonymous: hahahahaha I like it when customers gang up on other punters....

Twenty major: you mean it's readable now....cheers....I'm on white boxers now too....

Inner: one day man one day...

Boxer: hahahahahaha might make more too!

Niall Harbison said...

Typical waiter complaining! Manager was probably out the back having a smoke! hehe, only kidding! Like the ew design of the site!

Manuel said...

Niall H: Cheers Niall I was inspired by you......honest...bloody chefs always blaming the waiter....

Caro said...

Love the new design!

You heartless, heartless man, have you never heard of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? You were risking that poor man's LIFE with that insidious fruit. Or vegetable or whatever the feck it is.

craftycorner said...

I've performed many a veg-ectomy, giving the unwanted green drek to my fellow diners who like the whatever in question. The unwanted usually end up on bread plates.

Anonymous said...

Was there really the need to knock the English? No? Didn't think so.

Manuel said...

anonymous: crikey, sensitive aren't we?

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