Thursday, 14 February 2008

This is my Church and I'll do the preaching

It wasn't just the bed wetters who were out in force at the weekend, the God Botherers were spreading the word, good or otherwise as well. There must be a major recruitment drive on or something. Or maybe they know something that we don't know. Crikey! Doubt it though. Actually they probably know less than the rest of us.
in the Church of Manuel
I am the way the truth AND the light
worship me

There were two instances of attempted recruitment at the weekend, both with varying levels of amusement. Now before we go any further I just want to say I have no problem with people of faith, just as long as they do it behind closed doors and don't push it in my face. What they do in their own house is their own business. Isn't that what they like to say?

We were just clearing up from lunch service on Sunday when a large Christian lady, sporting a very large hat and booming voice, approached me.

"Now sir are you the manager?"

"No, hell no, not me!"

When someone asks to speak to the manager you immediately re-run the table over in your mind looking for something that may have cheesed them off. I found nothing in the 3 seconds that it took to review the service.

"Can you get him for me?" The lady was Afro-Caribbean in origin and when she spoke she sort of sang the words out. It was very disarming.

"Yeah sure I'll get her for you now."

"Oh that's great" she sang

"No problem" I replied and grabbed the other waiter, P-Chops, and had a quick Q & A regarding the lady's table. Nothing of interest was noted. So I phoned the manager, who took a good five minutes to show up! Coffee doesn't drink itself apparently.

As we waited for the manager to set her coffee down and tell her mum she should phone her back one of the chefs sauntered onto the restaurant floor. Probably didn't want to do that as the lady who had been patiently waiting for the manager to show up, whilst humming to herself, lit upon him thinking he was the manager.

Now this particular chef is an oddity at the best of times and we try and discourage him from talking to the customers. It's not just that he has a face fit only for radio or that he drinks enough booze for two chefs but because he is very very militant. I mean even the simplest of requests can turn into a five minute rant about the rights of workers. For example when he was asked if he had completed his cleaning duties on Sunday he said, "You can sack me, discipline me, you can beat me, shout at me, fine me, even kill me. But I will not clean. You can take my very soul but you shall not make me clean." This was delivered with the conviction of a man addressing a rally of a hundred thousand people. He quotes Marx & Engels, Castro is his hero and he has more chips on his shoulder than he does in the fryer.

So you can only just imagine my absolute horror as the good living church lady approached our very own Che. This was a car crash waiting to happen. She opened with,

"Now sir, I'm very glad to meet you...." Che was taken by surprise at first, people don't normally engage him in conversation, for the reasons I've already stated. But he nodded and said a cautious hello back.

"Sir, your food was lovely and your staff are just lovely too..." I was listening in and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard that. If there was a complaint it wasn't my fault. Hey it's dog eat dog around here! Che thanked her but was trying to back away. Her charismatic approach was terrifying him.

"But sir...." O OH a but

"....but sir I must ask you have you let the love of our lord jesus christ into your life?" she asked the way most people ask where the toilet is. It was just so unexpected. I nearly spat my tongue out with laughter. I had to use my service cloth to stop from them hearing me laugh.

The love of jesus?

What?

Our Che only knows the love of a pint of Harp and that's it. But bless she persevered and he listened. I just knew he was itching to start about the "opium of the masses" but he couldn't, and that was cutting him up. Five glorious minutes had passed and she was still going on about her grandson and how the love of yer man had got her through tough times. Che, resigned to the situation, just stood there and took it all.

Gold, pure gold.

Eventually the manager arrived and Che was saved, he made a hasty retreat and headed for a smoke. And who would begrudge him it? I introduced the manager to the God Botherer and pretended like I had no idea why she wanted to see her. I sat back and watched it all happen again.

"So dear have you let the Love of our Lord Jesus into your life?"

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Frickin brilliant.

Her face was a peach. You expect complaints, you expect to get grief, maybe questions about other services we offer, but you don't expect religious conversions. Priceless. She left, blessing us all on her way out, I ducked so as to avoid it. Drive by blessings are the worst. She was harmless I suppose and meant well.

Not like the sinister fucks who send the Glorious Leader a poster, addressed to him personally, that I'm sure could be counted as a threat. He opened his mail to find a large poster folded inside. It was from one of those The End is Nigh type numbers. It showed people falling off a cliff to their deaths onto a pile of skulls below. Each person wore a t-shirt with a perceived social ill on them. Not the really bad stuff like war and famine and greed or climate change. No it was stuff like "Gay Rights" and "Abortion" and "Richard Dawkins". (Okay he wasn't mentioned but I'm sure he was implied.) You know the sort of stuff that separates us from the monkeys, freedom of thought, science, human rights, fun.

Alcohol was sandwiched between "Drugs" and "Lesbianism". Sweet, I'll take that with mayo please. But seriously fuck right off. Keep your moralizing to yourself. Get your own house in order before you start knocking at mine. And now that I think about it even in the unlikely event that you do get your house in order you can still keep the fuck away. Or I'll send our Che round with 5 pints in him. And round here stiffing the waiter and rudeness are the two biggest sins. This is my church and I do the preaching round here. If there's repenting to be done I'll just add it onto the bill.
Bless......or not as the case may be.

***********

St Valentine's Day today. Oh the joy. If you are going out tonight share the love and tip the waiter. It's one of the busiest days of the year and I always end up going home disappointed with my return. It's like being a teenager again.........

31 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Bender's Better Brother said...

St Valentine's day, the day most people realise they don't actually give a shit about their significant other and start the ball rolling on going solo. I guarantee one of the busiest days of the year for estate agents, useless sleazy fuckers that they are, is February 15th. And solicitors' switchboards.

Manuel said...

BBB: oh so cynical.....I split with the wife on a St Patrick's day....

Bender's Better Brother said...

Was her name Patricia?

Manuel said...

BBB: boom boom...no....

Medbh said...

Oh the jeebus freaks are legion, Manuel.
I've gotten inquiries into my worship habits while waiting tables but I've never seen that sort of direct conversion attempt. I would have loved to see that as well.

Have a profitable St. Valentine's.

Manuel said...

medbh: it was a shocker I have to say....but v funny..dad had two Jehovah's Witnesses round the other day....didn't end well for them it has to be said.....

Gypsy said...

You are a funny bugger Manuel, thanks for the giggle. I'm betting there is going to be blog fodder galore after service on Valentines Day. Can't wait to hear all about it....no pressure tho.

daisyfae said...

sorry to hear that the evangelical christian bible-thumping god squad has infested belfast. i live in near the "bible belt" of the U.S. i have evil fantasies about how lovely they'd look as hood ornaments on my car...

Bitchy Waitress said...

Manuel, thank you for this post! I am officially a member of your choir! I could kiss you!

Funny story: Years ago, I was waiting on a 4-top of kids my age (I was 23, maybe). They were cool. We had a great rapport. They were asking about college, then, out of the fucking blue the girl says, "Well, have you accepted Jesus into your heart?" I was flabbergasted! I could not believe it! I evaded their questions, tried to be polite, but they were soooo persistent! It was really amazing...finally, I told them that I practiced Wicca...the girl nearly shit her pants, and they left promptly...And, they left a Jesus pamphlet for a tip!

Enjoy your Valentine's Day! I wish you a profitable evening!--I'm working a double, and my hopes are high! :)

Anonymous Boxer said...

"Get your own house in order before you start knocking at mine"

Can I hear an Amen?

OK then,

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I've heard Bible Thumpers are also bad tippers.

conortje said...

"This was delivered with the conviction of a man addressing a rally of a hundred thousand people. He quotes Marx & Engels, Castro is his hero and he has more chips on his shoulder than he does in the fryer."

Manuel, you are getting better and better hehe At least young morman men are nice to look at and one can have all sorts of fantasies about 'corrupting' them ... if one were that way inclined...

sheepworrier said...

You think you have it bad? My boss is 'saved' and mentions so on every possible occasion. Nice enough fella, but it tends to grate after the 5th attempted conversion...

Deborah said...

Excellent Manuel... fucking excellent! I actually got an email after my lobster post from a serious whack job of a fundamentalist. I was told I was going to hell for eating Satan's food. Apparently a lot of them are kosher. Interesting. If lobster and pork are Satan's food, send me straight to hell say I!

Conan Drumm said...

Only in Belfast.

Manuel said...

gypsy: awh thanks......tantrums,tears, walk out, oh yes st v's is a giggle alright....

Daisy: I think I should apologise as a lot of them would have originally come from here way back in the day.......

bitchy: of course you could.....! they never tip and the pamphlet is just a hoot eh!

boxer: the worst.....AMEN SISTER!

conortje: indeed! make them wear something colorful would be a start......

sheepo: you're well past saving now lets be honest.....

Debs: hell yeah! and the music rocks too....

conan: and lisburn and Portadown, and Ballymena.......and so on......

sheepworrier said...

Manuel: I'll give him 1 more attempt, then the voodoo doll comes out...

I actually found it quite interesting at the start, but I get easily bored with irrational debates. "Because it says so in the bible" isn't really a good argument in my view.

Manuel said...

sheepo: voodoo doll me arse! solicitor and a harassment suit would get the point across quite well......

sheepworrier said...

Na, he's harmless - just very persistent.
He's actually having a debate with another fella in work as I type this.

Manuel said...

sheepo: you'll be joining up soon enough.....

Conan Drumm said...

Manuel, just checking, since you're working do you do the flowers/chocolates thing with LMM or just ignore the crude sentimentality of it all?

Manuel said...

Conan: we did st vals last night. Waiters celebrate all such things the day before or the day after.....sad really....I cooked dinner, she made dessert, we swapped cards and had a very sweet night. Everyday is ST Vals with Manuel......honest.....

The Troll said...

1) We're called by the Great Commission to tell everyone about the Good News of the Gospel.

2) Afro-Carib's method of doing so was kinda intrusive but I think the Poster sounded clever.

3) The PERSONAL types of sins listed on the T-Shirts ARE the important ones in eternal terms. "Global Warming" is not.

4) Picturing Teddy Kennedy getting into heaven because he endorses a Climatic Theory he knows absolutely nothing about.

Tony said...

i love when they leave a tiny tip but include one of those jesus loves you cards and a prayer in with it...

ruthEbabes said...

Hey, I stopped by your blog when it was in the long list for the Irish Blog awards and have really enjoyed reading. You've a great blog.

Congrats on making the short list, maybe see you at the awards?

Ruth

INNER VOICES said...

i'll have a lesbian sandwich with some drugs and alcohol for here please. is it possible to get a table where everyone can watch. something by the window perhaps. there will be a lot of noise and shouting of "jesus chist" and "oh my god" i hope you wont mind...

Old Knudsen said...

I suspect that the place you work in doesn't get throngs of thick necked terrorist types on most days, be happy you get wusses and God Squad. death threats from people with neck tattoos can get boring after a while.

OneForTheRoad said...

nothing wrong with a bit of Jesus with your dinner I always find.

That's why the Angelus is on at 6.

Manuel said...

the troll: 1. I know that but surely there is a time and place......and what is with the christian church's need to recruit? why?
2.& 3 Actually she was quite sweet, it was just so unexpected...the poster was sinister and implied that gay people, people who drink booze, people who take drugs are all going to hell....pfft


tony: yes very annoying

ruthebabes: welcome ruth! Oh I'll be there are you going to? It's gonna be a good laugh!

voices: hehehehehe

old k: I beg to differ........actually I was gonna tell you who I had in last week......but I'm too chicken......

onefor: bong bong bong......

Queen Of Clean said...

Oh Manny, you would love it here...we all look like we need saving, so they descend on us like locusts.

And no, they don't tip, probably get struck down or something if they encourage our love of the filthy lucre!!

ruthEbabes said...

I'll be there, I'm really looking forward to it.

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,