This is my Church and I'll do the preaching

It wasn't just the bed wetters who were out in force at the weekend, the God Botherers were spreading the word, good or otherwise as well. There must be a major recruitment drive on or something. Or maybe they know something that we don't know. Crikey! Doubt it though. Actually they probably know less than the rest of us.

in the Church of Manuel
I am the way the truth AND the light
worship me

There were two instances of attempted recruitment at the weekend, both with varying levels of amusement. Now before we go any further I just want to say I have no problem with people of faith, just as long as they do it behind closed doors and don't push it in my face. What they do in their own house is their own business. Isn't that what they like to say?

We were just clearing up from lunch service on Sunday when a large Christian lady, sporting a very large hat and booming voice, approached me.

"Now sir are you the manager?"

"No, hell no, not me!"

When someone asks to speak to the manager you immediately re-run the table over in your mind looking for something that may have cheesed them off. I found nothing in the 3 seconds that it took to review the service.

"Can you get him for me?" The lady was Afro-Caribbean in origin and when she spoke she sort of sang the words out. It was very disarming.

"Yeah sure I'll get her for you now."

"Oh that's great" she sang

"No problem" I replied and grabbed the other waiter, P-Chops, and had a quick Q & A regarding the lady's table. Nothing of interest was noted. So I phoned the manager, who took a good five minutes to show up! Coffee doesn't drink itself apparently.

As we waited for the manager to set her coffee down and tell her mum she should phone her back one of the chefs sauntered onto the restaurant floor. Probably didn't want to do that as the lady who had been patiently waiting for the manager to show up, whilst humming to herself, lit upon him thinking he was the manager.

Now this particular chef is an oddity at the best of times and we try and discourage him from talking to the customers. It's not just that he has a face fit only for radio or that he drinks enough booze for two chefs but because he is very very militant. I mean even the simplest of requests can turn into a five minute rant about the rights of workers. For example when he was asked if he had completed his cleaning duties on Sunday he said, "You can sack me, discipline me, you can beat me, shout at me, fine me, even kill me. But I will not clean. You can take my very soul but you shall not make me clean." This was delivered with the conviction of a man addressing a rally of a hundred thousand people. He quotes Marx & Engels, Castro is his hero and he has more chips on his shoulder than he does in the fryer.

So you can only just imagine my absolute horror as the good living church lady approached our very own Che. This was a car crash waiting to happen. She opened with,

"Now sir, I'm very glad to meet you...." Che was taken by surprise at first, people don't normally engage him in conversation, for the reasons I've already stated. But he nodded and said a cautious hello back.

"Sir, your food was lovely and your staff are just lovely too..." I was listening in and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard that. If there was a complaint it wasn't my fault. Hey it's dog eat dog around here! Che thanked her but was trying to back away. Her charismatic approach was terrifying him.

"But sir...." O OH a but

"....but sir I must ask you have you let the love of our lord jesus christ into your life?" she asked the way most people ask where the toilet is. It was just so unexpected. I nearly spat my tongue out with laughter. I had to use my service cloth to stop from them hearing me laugh.

The love of jesus?

What?

Our Che only knows the love of a pint of Harp and that's it. But bless she persevered and he listened. I just knew he was itching to start about the "opium of the masses" but he couldn't, and that was cutting him up. Five glorious minutes had passed and she was still going on about her grandson and how the love of yer man had got her through tough times. Che, resigned to the situation, just stood there and took it all.

Gold, pure gold.

Eventually the manager arrived and Che was saved, he made a hasty retreat and headed for a smoke. And who would begrudge him it? I introduced the manager to the God Botherer and pretended like I had no idea why she wanted to see her. I sat back and watched it all happen again.

"So dear have you let the Love of our Lord Jesus into your life?"

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Frickin brilliant.

Her face was a peach. You expect complaints, you expect to get grief, maybe questions about other services we offer, but you don't expect religious conversions. Priceless. She left, blessing us all on her way out, I ducked so as to avoid it. Drive by blessings are the worst. She was harmless I suppose and meant well.

Not like the sinister fucks who send the Glorious Leader a poster, addressed to him personally, that I'm sure could be counted as a threat. He opened his mail to find a large poster folded inside. It was from one of those The End is Nigh type numbers. It showed people falling off a cliff to their deaths onto a pile of skulls below. Each person wore a t-shirt with a perceived social ill on them. Not the really bad stuff like war and famine and greed or climate change. No it was stuff like "Gay Rights" and "Abortion" and "Richard Dawkins". (Okay he wasn't mentioned but I'm sure he was implied.) You know the sort of stuff that separates us from the monkeys, freedom of thought, science, human rights, fun.

Alcohol was sandwiched between "Drugs" and "Lesbianism". Sweet, I'll take that with mayo please. But seriously fuck right off. Keep your moralizing to yourself. Get your own house in order before you start knocking at mine. And now that I think about it even in the unlikely event that you do get your house in order you can still keep the fuck away. Or I'll send our Che round with 5 pints in him. And round here stiffing the waiter and rudeness are the two biggest sins. This is my church and I do the preaching round here. If there's repenting to be done I'll just add it onto the bill.

Bless......or not as the case may be.

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St Valentine's Day today. Oh the joy. If you are going out tonight share the love and tip the waiter. It's one of the busiest days of the year and I always end up going home disappointed with my return. It's like being a teenager again.........