Friday, 22 February 2008

More toilet trauma

I had a genuine first at work on Thursday night, never happened before, and I pray to all that is good that it doesn't happen again.

It almost had me boaking my lunch.....

(boaking by the way is a charming Norther Irish word for being sick)
There was a young man eating on his own. Seemed pleasant enough, quiet, polite and a bit jokey. There were no immediate warning signs that he was in fact a sausage short of a good dinner. It wasn't very busy but he seemed to fade into the background all the same, I'm not saying we forgot about him, but maybe he could have got a little more love.

His plate was cleared and he declined the sweet menu and anything else. He seemed content enough so I left him where he was, like I say it wasn't busy so we didn't need his table back in a hurry. I plodded about, serving the few tables I had a with my usual charm and wit, which was of course pretty much wasted on the really rather dull Thursday night crowd. But whatever.

As I cleared another table I happened to catch yer man out of the corner of my eye, he was slumped over his table.

Good grief, what's this!

Dead?

The food looked fine!

I dropped of the plates first, I judged it bad etiquette to try and wake a dead man with plates in your hand. Eddie, who was sniffing about the manager as he was trying to get home early, was press ganged into coming with me to check on our dead punter. Turns out he was just having a wee snooze.

Let me tell you something nobody gets to have wee snoozes on my shift, nobody! So he was politely, but firmly, told that there would be no more snoozing, zeding, napping or any form of sleeping or he would be out on his ear. He apologised and said he would be leaving shortly. No problem thought I. A couple of minutes later I popped back to check on him and guess what? Yup, he was back in dream world again. The bastard. Up with this I would not put! Eddie was called for again, I'm not good in potentially physical situations, not with my pretty face.

We roused sleeping beauty's brother and informed him of his right to get the fuck outta here! He started blabbering making no coherent sense what so ever. Jesus! I offered to get him a taxi, he said something about the weather in Madrid. Say what? I wasn't in the mood for all this. Time to go chummy, and up he got.

But as we watched him stumble away I noticed his wet jeans.

BALLS!

The dirty, sleepy, gibbering fucker had pished himself!

For fucks sake!

And that is a definite first for me. I have had sleeper before but never a pisher. Eddie, the legend, cleaned it up. I had tables that needed distracted, obviously....

**************

I am paid an hourly rate, which in theory, means I get paid for the hours I work. I say in theory because sometimes whacky things happen. There's quite a bit of rounding going on, mainly in a downwards direction. I might bring a lawyer and accountant to work next week when this months wages finally make the bank. But for once I feel a bit sorry for the management at work. Next Friday, as you know, is the 29th of February. Bonus day! It only comes once every four years. And if you get paid monthly, as the management do, you wont get paid for this extra day. And I assume it is the same for most if not all salaried employees. Crikey working a day for free whilst the tills are over flowing with cash, not sure I could do it. I shared this startling little fact with a couple of the clipboard warriors on Thursday night. There was a definite whiff of revolution in the air as I walked away.....

I wasn't shit stirring...
honest

26 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

Blogger just ate my comment :(

ellie said...

I had laughed at your pisher because you shit stirred over my salary but then thought that karma might land me with a boaker tomorrow.

Manuel said...

I'm just here to help!

bendersbetterbrother said...

I've just awoken from a snooze. Checking for wet patch as we speak.

So you thought he was blocked?
Blood/sugar thing?
I bet he's dead now though.

MJ said...

You have to supply nappies at the door.

This is what happens when Belfast's baby men bed wetters take over your restaurant.

psychicgeek.com said...

I prefer the loftier "awareness facilitator" to shit stirrer. Especially in a dining establishment. People might think you're talking about the soup.

Anonymous Boxer said...

you know, in the U.S. they would be ALL OVER that extra day and not getting paid thing.

But you know, we're all about revolting. Or are we revolting? I get confused.

sheepworrier said...

Narcolepsy is an awful condi *thump* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

dave said...

29th March... LMM could be asking you something that day dude.

I think Manuel may have some news to break to us all on 1st March.

dave said...

Did I say March?....
I meant February.
Doh!

Manuel said...

bbb: he didn't appear drunk at first, in fact he seemed a-ok. But clearly my judgement was well out......pishy drunk bastard.....

mj: pulling all my post together! well done....

pgeek: "awareness facilitator" love that!

boxer: some of you are quite lovely....I'm surprised they are getting all sweaty about it here.......

sheepo: so is pishing on and off the waiter......

dave: stop it.....you're freaking me out....

fatmammycat said...

He peed on himself? He must have been totally wasted when he went in surely. But he can't have been that bad of you wouldn't have served him in the first place? Would you? A man of your experience, you'd have noticed, I'm sure of it. Maybe he was on crazy medication.

Medbh said...

I laughed my ass off about your attention to etiquette by dropping the plates off before rousing a dead man. Hahee!
It could've been worse with that guy. Pee is preferrable to cleaning up spunk.

Gypsy said...

His little accident could have been SO much worse. Thank your lucky stars he didn't need a No 2. The poor guy might have a medical condition and is quite possibly lying dead in a gutter somewhere lamenting the fact that nobody cares. No wait, he can't be lamenting if he's dead but I bet he was before he croaked.

Queen Of Clean said...

Um..wipe clean seats Manny?

Or will you let some poor unsuspecting soul sit in the wee wee seat?

a devoted fan said...

A few years back, a dear patron, also dining alone, had a stroke at my table. She was slurring and wobbling, eyes closed and sadly wet herself. We had to call EMS to come get her and take her to the hospital. Of all the weird things...

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Better than a boaker though. I had to clean up a regurgitated fried breakfast once when I worked at the student union in Glasgow uni.

I could vomit now if I think about it any more.

Bad luck on your pisher though. Drugs?

Quickroute said...

thanks Manuel - You've just resurfaced a repressed memory of a few years back that I would rather had not resurfaced.
Sitting in Jamie Olivers restaurant 'Fifteen', in London one Friday evening, a group of 3 got up to leave as we were being served our appetizers. One of them was much the worse for wear and as he approached our table, he vomits a days worth of food and drink on the floor beside us. Very appetizing indeed! He wipes his face with his sleeve and staggers out without a word.
The staff were very apologetic and although the main course was on the house, somehow we'd lost our appetites by then.

Native Minnow said...

No matter how low I sink, I can take solace in the fact that I've never pissed myself in a public place. At least not since I was in diapers. That was just yesterday, but still.

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

We Scots say boak too. Must be a Celtic thing.

Manuel said...

fmc: he wasn't though, and that is the strange thing. It doesn't take much for me to refuse to serve someone so I would never serve a very drunk punter......

medbh: thank you........aaaarrrrrgggghhh

gypsy: I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED!!

queenie: cleaned and removed......

a devoted fan: welcome! Awh now that is just a little sad....

sam: Drugs? I haven't had breakfast yet but I'll give you a call later....

Quickie: I would have beaten him, a bloody messy pulp of man and vomit......

minnow: boom boom

LKSN: we are a classy people eh!

Grannymar said...

Did you think about him having epelisy or a seizure? that can cause a victim to wet themselves.

Manuel said...

Grannymar: welcome! No, but something was definitely wrong with this chap....I tried to get him a taxi but he didn't wanna know.......was all very odd

Crispy said...

Urgh! Cleaning up pee wee and poo poos is fine when the said depositer is 0-18 months old. You did right leaving it to Eddie.

Crispy said...

Urgh! Cleaning up pee wee and poo poos is fine when the said depositer is 0-18 months old. You did right leaving it to Eddie.

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