Friday, 11 January 2008

Waiter speak with forked tongue

ewwwwwww

One of the most fear inducing phone calls a waiter can get goes like this, "Hello what time is the latest we can get a table for a dinner?" Late supper eh? BOLLOCKS, I have no time for the late bloody supper crowd. Now there is no chance in hell I'm giving them a straight answer, it ends up in a game of twenty questions....

Customer: "Hello what time is the latest we can get a table for a dinner?"

Me: "Eh....." panic sets in "...it depends on which day and how many it's for."

If the punter wants a late booking on a day I'm not working then he can get what he wants. There's more honour amongst thieves than waiters.

If not, we move onto to the next question...

Me again: "What time would you want a table for?"

I need the punter to specify a time, that then becomes the negotiation point. If he hits me back with the first question then I'm fucked. You see my concern is that I don't know who is on the phone. They might be the bosses next door neighbour, or his cousin or somebody that could land me in a whole pile of dog mess if I get found out for spoofing the last order time.

No matter what the punter says I will tell them a half hour before the actual last order time. If they get lippy I make up a fantastic but very plausible reason, normally something to do with other bookings.

You might find this hard to believe but waiters don't always tell you the truth. I'll give you a moment to deal with that shocking revelation. But even when we tell the truth we may mean something else entirely, and those seemingly harmless questions, if only you knew...

"Hi table for two is it?" - there had better not be any more of you.

"Would you like to see the menu before you take a table?" - yes, I know where the nearest Pizza Hut is

"Oh the house red sir, great choice!" - cheap wine, cheap tip

"So you're Australian?" - bye bye, you wont be seeing me again

"Yes madam all our beef is local." - if you live in Buenos Aries

"Sir you are just so funny, I'm gonna use that." - Kill me now/you're getting blogged tonight

"Your Canadian eh?" - This is our kitchen porter he'll be serving you tonight

"Have you had the XXXXX before?" - DON'T BLOODY ORDER IT (we cant just come out and say it's crap so we ask if you have had it before. If you have then you know and I am obsolved of all guilt)

"Well Hi, you guys must be American?" - K-ching!

"Yes sir, kids are welcome." - as long as you are 60 and your kids are 20/welcome to go to granny's/not in my section

"My! Don't you all just look great!" - it's 6 days from pay day and I'm skint!

"No change sir? That's okay you can get me next time." - next time? Don't make me laugh. You and I wont be doing this again any time soon.

Read between the lines folks, the waiter speaks with forked tongue........

What the waiter saw has Bourdain's visit to Ireland if any one is interested.....

17 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

So what time is last orders really? Just so as we know.

Manuel said...

Half hour before you arrive......

ellie said...

I'm eating pizza while reading this, too busy today to eat, late supper is good!

Can I have a bottle of the house white please?

..... no tip for you tonight you naughty waiter ;)

Manuel said...

ellie: ah I'd serve you any time.....no house white though.....

Medbh said...

That forked tongue too freaky, Manuel.
Kee-rist, who wants to eat past 8pm? Vampires? Zombies?

Manuel said...

Medbh: 8pm is fine as is 9pm.....quarter to ten........I get real angry n grumpy....cinderella complex.....

psychicgeek.com said...

Can you seat my party at 10:00? We'll be having the red house wine, eh?

Manuel said...

geek: let me show you to your table...just over there beside the bathroom....i'll bring the kool aid.....eh

MJ said...

Is there any truth in "the Special" being the Special because it's something that's about to expire and the chef needs to move it as soon as possible?

Gypsy said...

Ok I can see that if I come to your restaurant I'm going to have to get myself a new accent or something tells me I'm screwed as far as getting a meal goes :(

dave said...

I've some Canadian and Aussie friends visiting. Can I book my table at 10.30?

sheepworrier said...

A tattoo artist friend of mine wants to get that forked tounge thingy. His g'friend says she'll dump him if he does.
Licking ice cream would be a bugger, wouldn't it...

Manuel said...

mj: it ain't the chefs special you need to worry about....beware waiters bearing gifts.....

gypsy: get a table with ellie......you'll be alright....

dave: hell yes......mcd's is open late....

sheepo: nah man it's just freaky beaky.....not good....

Mudflapgypsy said...

I eat after 8 most nights.

I have a strange urge for red wine, or something like that...

Manny book me a table for 2 mins before you put your coat on and send out a commis and make sure they are a virgin and have washed their hands. Don't want any stray garlic.

Flirty Something said...

love the beef line

Manuel said...

muddy: you've got nah chance......

flirty: tis the truth......

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