Thursday, 17 January 2008

I want you to arrange a meeting, with the heads of the Five Families. This(stew) war stops now

Godfather, they want the stew business

What a night! I had a table of 15 booked for 8pm, all of which were managers and head chefs from local restaurants and bars. This also included my head chef and not only the glorious leader(GM) but our supreme leader(OWNER) himself. No pressure there then. The cooker jockeys were stressed to the point of sobriety. I'd never seen them so jittery, it was almost cute. I wasn't stressed about serving such a table of industry luminaries, hell I had swapped my shift to ensure that I would be serving them. I enjoy the challenge. Masochistic tendencies I think,

"CALL ME BOY!"

"CLICK YOUR FINGERS AT ME, CLICK 'EM, CLICK 'EM!"

"I'M YOUR FOOD AND DRINK BITCH!!"

"DON'T SAY MY NAME"

Sorry about that.....I was having a moment there. It was a scene reminiscent of the Godfather, the meeting of the heads of the 5 families. There were lots of loud and over the top greetings and air kissing. (air kissing in Belfast? Pfft!) There was also lots of whispering between the chef and manager from each of the individual restaurants.

There was still no clear reason as to why they were all meeting. As I stood there waiting for them to get their shit together I surmised that it was price fixing! Portions of chips would be raised to £3.00 per portion and all house wine would start at £15.00 per bottle. Wages within the city centre would be capped for another 5 years and most controversially fish and chips would rise to £10.00 a plate, and that's just for lunch mwahahahahahahaha!

Then of course there was the tricky matter of who would control the lucrative Irish Stew market especially as tourist numbers are expected to rise again this year. The bar managers would say they should have exclusive rights to it as they won control of the stew markets back in the big stew wars of '73. The bar owners fought a bloody and vicious war with the restaurant owners back in the early 70's which lead to them agreeing to stop selling scampi in return for the exclusive rights to the Irish Stew market. But the restrauteurs know that it is a cash rich industry and they also know they can do it better and charge more. In the end it would be agreed to share the Irish stew business as long as the bar owners were allowed to serve scampi and chowder. The price of stew would rise though to £7.00 a bowl for tourists, £4.00 for locals though who would laugh in your face if you charged them any more than that.

Of course they weren't really in to fix prices or run a stew cartel. One of the bar people was leaving the industry to take up a new and more dramatic position in the Opera House. But Lucyfer had the rest of the restaurant under control and I had time to dream. Lucyfer has been renamed. She was formerly known as Psycho but Lucyfer seems to fit her hot headed mentality better.

The meal went without a hitch and all were delighted. I even got make up my own service charge. Which isn't as fun as it sounds. I'd like to have whacked 30% on but even I would blush at the cheek of it, so I settled for half that which is only 5% more than normal.

In other slightly more unsettling news I think I am being sold into slavery or something. The Supreme Leader told me he needs me to go to London with him at the start of next month and that I should keep my diary free. Keep my diary free? Ha! I'm a waiter my diary isn't exactly over flowing with very important things to do. Let me check.... go to work, get day off, do laundry, spend time with LMM, repeat. I'd say my month is fairly free. And any way when the Supreme Leader says you're going to London with him you're going to London! Ballsy as I am I ain't saying no to the big boss man. But he revealed no further details. So obviously my mind is racing with possibilities. He either really likes me and wants to take me away for a few days r R and R, or I'm being sold into white slavery. Gotta be honest I don't fancy either. That said things worked out okay for that Spartacus guy......

Ps it's Threadless Thursday over there....

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Oh, I shouldn't be up this late, new regime you see. Will explain at mine in a day or so.

London you say. I'd take a cork or two with you. Bosses, you can never tell. Funny sort the lot o' them. Separate rooms, not even adjoining doors. Take slip ons and never take your socks off. Drop anything and it's gone, you know the drill.

Oh, and don't forget to relax and have a good time.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Manuel, Manuel where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the queen.
Manuel, Manuel, what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under her chair.

Maybe he wants you to be an illegal caviar mule or smuggler of rare French cheeses.

Or maybe he needs a second at Thunder Road.

You can't, however, discount the fact he's whisking you away to propose.

Take a small cannon for proposal emergencies but if he's just too imploring, be gentle, be kind. For in your hand you hold his bruis-ed heart.

He might just want a piss-up where noone knows him.

Medbh said...

Maybe he wants your professional opinion about an investment potential? Or maybe that you're a certified wine snob he'll be dragging you to tasting?
Either way it sounds like a holiday. A free one, at that.
You deserve it, Manuel.

conortje said...

I just hope he doesn't think you overheard something you shouldn't have at their dinner and is planning to do away with you....

Gypsy said...

So if we haven't heard from you by the end of Feb we should alert Scotland Yard????

sheepworrier said...

Ah, now you can try out that mockney accent you've been practising all these years. "shut it you slaaag", "I'm in Laaandan" etc etc.

Maybe a promotion is in the air?

Manuel said...

bbb: thanks, thanks for that....

Sam: yeah but his wife and kids are just lovely.....

Medbh: all of which can be done very well from the safety of belfast

Conortje: you can have my ned collection should everything go wrong....

Gypsy: 2 days, 2days and then call everyone.....!

Sheepo: easy tiger.....it's all about the famillleeeee.....jellied eels...knees up muver brann

dave said...

He's taking you because he's nervous about approching prostitutes on his own.

You're also there for backup, in case his coke and hash deal goes wrong.

Crispy said...

Manuel, I'm a bit frightened for you, but only after reading everyoone else's comments! Obviously it's just business, nothing untoward will be going on.....right? Just pack your own bag and don't carry any of his stuff! Ha ha!
Me and the old old man will wait your return from the Big Smoke.

Crispy said...

By saying the old man, I mean, our father, not who art in heaven and not Percy. He doesn't care about anything except his iPod Shuffle...

Caro said...

When he starts referring to you as his "consigliere" I'd get out of there fast...

MJ said...

"I'M YOUR FOOD AND DRINK BITCH!!"

I await the DVD.

Is it just me? said...

air kissing in Belfast...I think the peace process has gone far enough!...quite.

Seriously though...wonder what sort of world domination type plan he has in mind...?

Ooooh Manuel i'm that excited for you.

Isit?

Is it just me? said...

@ both Manuel and Conotje!!! Oh My GOD a meeting of the five families?...Manuel here's hoping you don't end up sleeping with the fishes as opposed to reccomending them...

Charlie said...

Theyre treating you to London and while youre gone theyre gonna start a new male waiter :O

ellie said...

Don't worry they dredge the Thames regularly. Send me a copy of your dental records

Sweetchuck said...

When you dan landan way you could hook up wif Keef, i'm sure he could cater for your needs.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Seeing as you'll be on a busman's holiday if you have time when in London try this wee place. Excellent food and the best service I've had in a restaurant in years.

http://trustedplaces.com/review/uk/london/restaurant/1j02m82/buddha-jazz

bendersbetterbrother said...

Not enough room, here's another link.
Pish website, nice food.

http://www.buddhajazz.co.uk/

Try the Vietnamese grilled eels. They'll let you order starters like tapas and the starters are better than the mains.

Manuel said...

Dave: Crikey....

Crispy: Don't be frightened....it's just a big adventure...

Caro: hehehehe

MJ: cash first..

Is it?: I know! What next jumpers over shoulders?

Charlie: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Email me...got scandal...

Ellie: hahahahahahaha stop it....

Sweetchuck: good memory there fella...

BBB: ta ta....I will pass it off as my own recommendation....thus making me appear smarter than I am....

fatmammycat said...

eek, sounds iffy. UNless of course he's thinking of opening another restaurant and he think you'd be just stellar at helping him get it off the ground. In which case I advise you to run for the hills. I've watched Roco DiSpirito, it gave me night terrors.

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