Monday, 14 January 2008

The day J-Lo did the cleaning....

Morrissey
not often wrong


Morrissey said "Everyday is like Sunday." I hate to disagree with him but clearly the great one never worked in a restaurant. Working on a Sunday is just the worst. It's mainly the drive to work, and the arriving to work, and the being at work, and the customers at work. What I'm trying to say is that working on a Sunday sucks the big one. I got up and opened the curtains, swore at the rain, swore at all the people in their houses tucked up in their beds or lying in a drunken stupor with a kebab for a pillow, I swore at the manager who scheduled me on, I swore at the bloody part time staff who don't work Sundays, and I swore at the people in the van who spotted me standing there in the window naked as the day I was born (but hairier). Then I realised that if I stood at the window much much longer swearing at people who couldn't hear me then I would be late for work. Then I would be getting swore at.....

The drive to work on a Sunday is depressing too. There's no one to be seen. And that just highlights how very shit the whole going to work on a Sunday is. I'm only one of twelve people in the whole of the city who isn't drunk or have a hangover on a Sunday morning. I'm not exaggerating either. Seriously the whole city is pished, Priests, Vicars, and Rabbis too, well Rabbi. I don't think we have more than one.

Yup Sunday at work sucks the big one. With Sunday morning being the worst part. It's normally 2 or 3pm before people start to liven up and the scandal from the night before is revealed. Scandal was thin on the ground it has to be said. Some guy pushed some girl who fell over. This caused MEN to step in and be MEN ending in a big MEN melee. The doormen lead the charge, as they have been known to do.

I was bodgering about, half heartedly cleaning candle holders with all the conviction of a condemned man when the new cleaner finally made an appearance onto the restaurant floor. This was a bit of a result as we were about a half hour from opening and not a brush nor a mop had been pushed in anger round the restaurant floor. I had been introduced to her earlier in the week but I couldn't remember her name. Well I tend not to remember their names as they come and go with a very regular frequency. I need to save my brain space for the important details that I struggle with these days, details like my own name. So I asked her again what her name was....

"My names is Jennifer.....", she Czech so she really did say "names"

"Hi Jennifer, I'm Manuel", and before I could advise her of the need to get the floors done really really soon she added...

"Jennifer.....Lopez!"

I laughed. I laughed so hard in fact that I dropped one of the candle holders and smashed it.

"Oh so your Jennifer Lopez then, pleased to meet you....."

"Yes I ams Jennifer Lopez, you can call me Jenni if you wants. You wants to call me Jenni?"

"Okay then, Jenni it is!"

"And I will call you Brad."

"Brad?....." There were actual tears running down my cheeks "....as in Bradley Pitt?"

"Bradleys? No, Brad."


I was starting to think maybe I was drunk after all, or tripping. I'm not a big celebrity watcher but I was pretty damn sure Ms Lopez was not a 20 something Czech cleaner working in Belfast dressed in a shiny red tracksuit with fantastic "gold" hoop earrings and sporting more rings than the Moscow State Circus. This was not Jenni from the block, unless of course it was the Zámecké Schody block in downtown Prague.

Despite the amusement of it all I was very aware that big hand was creeping ever closer to twelve and still the floor wasn't done. So I moved away from Ms Lopez hoping that this would encourage her to do some work. And she did indeed start some work then I heard this voice from the other side of the coffee machine.....

"Braaaaaaddddd"

"What?"

"Noth-things"

"Right"

"Hehehehehehehe" she thought this was very amusing. Now I was convinced I had eaten a bag of acid for breakfast and not a boiled egg and toast. Two minutes later.....

"Braaaaaaddddd"

"What?"

"Noth-things" followed by more laughter.

"What? What are you on about? Do you need something?" Most people leave me alone in the morning for a very good reason.

"I makes a joke for you. I call you and then I say I don't need noth-things" hehehehehe

Jesus H I'm working with the Czech Republic's answer to Joan Rivers. Then she turned to copying everything I said and trying to do it in a Belfast accent.

"Aye, very funny."says I.

"Ayes, very funny." says she in a very poor mock Belfast accent.

Just as I was about to rip my own ears off a barman arrived, a barman more fitting of the "Brad" monicker than me. So like a child with a busted toy she let go her "clasp" of me and set about the new target.

Thank Christ.

Sunday mornings may never be dull again........

mores the pity.....

I'd say there will be more from Ms Lopez over the next few weeks.........

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Brilliant post!

Brrraaadddd????????

Manuel said...

Ellie: and she said it with a "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" sort of way.....I was fit to friggen scream....

Medbh said...

She's just trying out a new identity, Manuel.
If she sees that you can be so easily rankled, she'll only continue.
So, patience, patience, Brad.

Snerk.

Manuel said...

medbh: she twigged very quickly....and kept shouting "aye" at me

bendersbetterbrother said...

I used to have to work Sundays for years. Hated it. People left their thinking heads at home at seemed to think it was acceptable to present themselves to me in a drug-fucked, lobotomised fashion. I lost the rag with people on Sundays. A lot.

Then I got into the habit of self medicating to a level where I was still drunk and giddy for the first few hours and able to able to light my breathe for the last couple. Ah, the memories...

Manuel said...

happy days bbb happy days.......

bendersbetterbrother said...

Look at the mistakes in that. Clearly I'm the lobotomised one these days.

Gypsy said...

Manual darl, or should I address you as Brrraaadd?.....I don't think it was you that was dropping acid drops, methinks maybe J-Lo picked up more than a few bad habits from the block than is necessarily good for her. Oh dear....it's gonna be Sunday, Bloody Sunday round here from now on.....lol.

Gypsy said...

Sorry, I spelt your name wrong...my apologies Manuel.

Medbh said...

Nice pick of Mozza, btw.
Much better looking than J Lo.

MJ said...

Did she give you any booty tips?

sheepworrier said...

"Used to have a little now I have a..."

Well she's still a cleaner, so I'm guessing not much has changed...

Manuel said...

BBB: mistakes are encouraged and nurtured on well done fillet

gypsy: actually that would explain a lot....oh that's okay gipsy

medbh: much.....

mj:first ass reference! how did i guess it would be you....

sheepo: is that a j lo song reference? from your own collection?

sheepworrier said...

Yup. I love her for her lyrics.

"I'm still Jenny from the block,
Used to have a little, now I have alot"

Keep up with the young'uns Manuel! Yes, I am 'groovy', 'radical' and indeed, 'far-out'.

Restaurant Gal said...

That was hilarious.

Manuel said...

sheepo: I picture you like a dad at a school disco....trying to body pop and moon walk.......ha!

restaurant gal: you shoulda been there....

upset waitress said...

At least your cleaning lady speaks Engrish. Mine doesn't understand a dam thing unless I screw up her pay check. Then she speaks perfect English.

Queen Of Clean said...

Fab post Manuel!

It appeals to the accommodation manager in me...bless her, she likes you but...tell her nothing ie;...have you got a car/own house/VHI/partner?

That's why we use chemical free products in our place...some of our cleaners are mad/high enough!!

Crispy said...

Absoultely superb Manuel (or should I say Brad), the tears were near trippin me!!
Please do keep us posted!! I spent yesterday watching Shrek the Third for the umpteenth time....Kids eh!?

Manuel said...

Upset: a the unique and unifying language of "PAY ME"

queenie: I think she does it to distract herself from the dullness of her job.......or she's high....

crispy: you wanna swap?

Native Minnow said...

She's definitely high. Either that or she doesn't have a very good sense of humor.

And in case you missed my answer to your question, here's where you can read up on how to add a "player thingy."

http://tips-for-new-bloggers.blogspot.com/2007/02/add-music-to-blogspot-blog.html

Old Knudsen said...

ask her to jump up and doon to see if her Czechs bounce.

Czech humour seems to be better than German.

Manuel said...

Minnow: got it earlier.....totally works too! cheers

Knudsen: hehehehe

Mr Farty said...

Jenni from the Eastern Bloc?

Sweetchuck said...

Having personal experience of working with Manuel on a sunday morning does our Jeni know how close she came to certain death. She sounds like a hoot.

savannah said...

OH.MY.GAWD! i could hear her voice and yours, sugar!

(this town has become a port of new entry)

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