The day J-Lo did the cleaning....

Morrissey
not often wrong

Morrissey said "Everyday is like Sunday." I hate to disagree with him but clearly the great one never worked in a restaurant. Working on a Sunday is just the worst. It's mainly the drive to work, and the arriving to work, and the being at work, and the customers at work. What I'm trying to say is that working on a Sunday sucks the big one. I got up and opened the curtains, swore at the rain, swore at all the people in their houses tucked up in their beds or lying in a drunken stupor with a kebab for a pillow, I swore at the manager who scheduled me on, I swore at the bloody part time staff who don't work Sundays, and I swore at the people in the van who spotted me standing there in the window naked as the day I was born (but hairier). Then I realised that if I stood at the window much much longer swearing at people who couldn't hear me then I would be late for work. Then I would be getting swore at.....

The drive to work on a Sunday is depressing too. There's no one to be seen. And that just highlights how very shit the whole going to work on a Sunday is. I'm only one of twelve people in the whole of the city who isn't drunk or have a hangover on a Sunday morning. I'm not exaggerating either. Seriously the whole city is pished, Priests, Vicars, and Rabbis too, well Rabbi. I don't think we have more than one.

Yup Sunday at work sucks the big one. With Sunday morning being the worst part. It's normally 2 or 3pm before people start to liven up and the scandal from the night before is revealed. Scandal was thin on the ground it has to be said. Some guy pushed some girl who fell over. This caused MEN to step in and be MEN ending in a big MEN melee. The doormen lead the charge, as they have been known to do.

I was bodgering about, half heartedly cleaning candle holders with all the conviction of a condemned man when the new cleaner finally made an appearance onto the restaurant floor. This was a bit of a result as we were about a half hour from opening and not a brush nor a mop had been pushed in anger round the restaurant floor. I had been introduced to her earlier in the week but I couldn't remember her name. Well I tend not to remember their names as they come and go with a very regular frequency. I need to save my brain space for the important details that I struggle with these days, details like my own name. So I asked her again what her name was....

"My names is Jennifer.....", she Czech so she really did say "names"

"Hi Jennifer, I'm Manuel", and before I could advise her of the need to get the floors done really really soon she added...

"Jennifer.....Lopez!"

I laughed. I laughed so hard in fact that I dropped one of the candle holders and smashed it.

"Oh so your Jennifer Lopez then, pleased to meet you....."

"Yes I ams Jennifer Lopez, you can call me Jenni if you wants. You wants to call me Jenni?"

"Okay then, Jenni it is!"

"And I will call you Brad."

"Brad?....." There were actual tears running down my cheeks "....as in Bradley Pitt?"

"Bradleys? No, Brad."


I was starting to think maybe I was drunk after all, or tripping. I'm not a big celebrity watcher but I was pretty damn sure Ms Lopez was not a 20 something Czech cleaner working in Belfast dressed in a shiny red tracksuit with fantastic "gold" hoop earrings and sporting more rings than the Moscow State Circus. This was not Jenni from the block, unless of course it was the Zámecké Schody block in downtown Prague.

Despite the amusement of it all I was very aware that big hand was creeping ever closer to twelve and still the floor wasn't done. So I moved away from Ms Lopez hoping that this would encourage her to do some work. And she did indeed start some work then I heard this voice from the other side of the coffee machine.....

"Braaaaaaddddd"

"What?"

"Noth-things"

"Right"

"Hehehehehehehe" she thought this was very amusing. Now I was convinced I had eaten a bag of acid for breakfast and not a boiled egg and toast. Two minutes later.....

"Braaaaaaddddd"

"What?"

"Noth-things" followed by more laughter.

"What? What are you on about? Do you need something?" Most people leave me alone in the morning for a very good reason.

"I makes a joke for you. I call you and then I say I don't need noth-things" hehehehehe

Jesus H I'm working with the Czech Republic's answer to Joan Rivers. Then she turned to copying everything I said and trying to do it in a Belfast accent.

"Aye, very funny."says I.

"Ayes, very funny." says she in a very poor mock Belfast accent.

Just as I was about to rip my own ears off a barman arrived, a barman more fitting of the "Brad" monicker than me. So like a child with a busted toy she let go her "clasp" of me and set about the new target.

Thank Christ.

Sunday mornings may never be dull again........

mores the pity.....

I'd say there will be more from Ms Lopez over the next few weeks.........