Sunday, 30 December 2007

Manuel and the sorely deluded lady.....


A lady touched my bottom on Friday night. There I've said it. It's good to get that out, to admit it, to start dealing with it.

It wasn't as a result of a swinging arm, leaving us both embarrassed and apologising at the same time. She hadn't mistaken it for a comfortable cushion that she wanted to rest against. She hadn't mistaken me for her boyfriend or Brad Pitt or someone else.

No she meant to do it, and she meant to do it to me.

She purposely reached down and helped herself to a slice of Manuel's sugarloaf. She did it in the way people do when they are checking to see how fresh melons are in the supermarket. If she had bent down to sniff it I would have reacted quite badly. She took a big healthy pinch/grab of my bum. I'm not sure she meant to get as much of it as she had planned but there you go. If you set out to grab a slice you need to be prepared to get a big helping. (Am I still talking about my arse? I'm lost)


It has to be said I didn't react well.

She had wandered over to me as I was hovering around the register pretending to do something and chatting with one of the overlords. She wanted to thank me for a great night and all that sort of stuff. She stepped right into my personal space thanked me, and then....well you know what she did, lets not go over it again. I instantly went red. I could feel my face burning in seconds. She lingered there for a moment. I think she was waiting for me to react, and react I did. I got the hell out of there. I moved quick sharpish round behind the bar area. I figured I was safe with a whole bar between us. I'm not sure this is the reaction she was looking for. Hell I'm not sure what she wanted at all.

You see folks I'm not used to being touched up by attractive women. Not including Little Miss Manuel who has free reign when it comes to my bottom. I feel much more at home with 40 and 50 year old women. I know how to flirt with them and it just be harmless fun. It's what waiters are expected to do. For example tonight I was kissed twice and man handle once by three women well into their 50's, and it didn't make me go a bit red! But younger women are not my territory at all. And I'm not normally on the radar of younger women either. So it all came as a shock it has to be said.

After I had done my little shimmy round the bar away from the clutches of the bum toucher I started babbling and was practically incoherent. I think she lost interest at this point and realised I was just a big fat fakey flirt. She said a final thanks and goodbye. I stood there for a moment until my face had returned to it's usual peaky colour and then ran to the kitchen to share my news with MEN. I knew they would appreciate it. All I got was , "Drunk was she?"

Bubble bursting bastards. LMM wasn't too taken either with my ass grabbing news either....

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

upset waitress said...

Hah! Should have grabbed her boobs. Wait...How young was she? You would do great in a nursing home. Juggling bed pans instead of serving trays.

bendersbetterbrother said...

So you didn't get her number then?

Manuel said...

upset: late 20's....and no I wouldn't have been reaching for anything....I was terrified...the old dears love me

bbb: I did not.....I have no need for such a thing....

Anonymous Boxer said...

You. Were. Violated!!!

Seriously, I'm sorry she put you through that. Not nice. Not cool.

Not right.

**putting a protective arm around Manuel and promising to kick her ass for you.**

upset waitress said...

You are a natural born tube feeder. Off to the nursing home you go!

Manuel said...

Boxer: Seriously I'm not used to that sort of thing.....I suppose I could get used to it.......or not.....probably not....

Upset: In due course....but not just yet....

angela said...

that's like when i was in line at some place in the mall and someone pinched my butt really hard. and i turned around to be like HEYYY and there were a hundred people behind me so i had no one to be mad at.

anyway. sorry about your ass, Man. :P

Gypsy said...

Well I am so happy that I am in the age group of women you feel comfortable with.....I think. Though I have to say it kinda made me feel like the "blue rinse set" out on the town to play

Some women are so aggressive.....tut tut tut.

ellie said...

I wish I could be violated a bit more often buy young, attractive members of the opposite sex... I really do!

savannah said...

makes me think of that bit about faith hill and her country singer hubby..some fan reached out and grabbed his package, the missus told the girl not to be so uncouth and to learn some manners!

(no one has ever called me an "old dear" and i think i'm really ok with that, sugar)

ellie said...

buy young, attractive members of the opposite sex

Did I hint that I was not opposed to paying for such pleasure?

MJ said...


Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about bum cakes, Manuel's got 'em
Big bottom drive her out of her mind
How could she leave this behind?

She met him on Monday, twas her lucky bun day
You know what I mean
She loves him each weekday, each Velveeta cheek day
You know what I mean

Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about mud flaps, Manuel's got 'em
Big bottom drive her out of her mind
How could she leave this behind?

--written by Spinal Tap with Manuel in mind

Deborah said...

Oh my Manuel - that's something, but you forgot one to mention the tip - did the squeeze prompt anything extra??? ;-)

yoyo said...

Hmmm, If I were LMM I'd be finding the address of this forbidden zone grabbing slag of a customer and cutting her freaking hands off!

you dont touch what isnt yours!

Queen Of Clean said...

Aw bless, she must have been lonely, was she with someone?

I have to agree with Upset waitress. you should have returned the, er, compliment!!

On the other hand, in these PC obsessed days, she would probably have called the cops....!

Medbh said...

I think a line was crossed and then some, Manuel.
Why would she think she could touch you like that? Because you're the waiter and are up for grabs?
Uh, no.
So uncool.
I'm sorry that you were treated like a piece of meat.

Rosie said...

an arse fondle from an attractive woman? that's a good day, surely? (i'd think so anyway)

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