Saturday, 29 December 2007

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

I very rarely want to hug a customer, but tonight I wanted to hug a customer and tell them everything was going to be okay. I wanted to take their pain away. I wanted to make sure they didn't do anything silly. Let me tell you the saddest Christmas story ever.

A young lady had booked part of the building to host her birthday party. The room had been reserved months in advance. She had secured the services of two "cool" DJ's. She assured the management that the night would be a big one. The place was to be teaming with people. We were to expect anywhere between 150 and 200 happy revelers. The bar was stocked, extra supplies were at hand too, should the expected numbers arrive.

The troops were in position, the DJ's had set up, the birthday girl looked a peach in her birthday suit.....of jeans and sleeveless top. She was ready to welcome her guests. The bar staff were ready to welcome her guests. The doormen were ready to ogle her guests, sorry I mean open the door for her guests. All was in place for a fantastic night to celebrate the day 20 something years ago when the gracious host was brought into this world. All we needed now where the party guests.

They never came.

Well that's not strictly true. There were 6 when I left at 11pm, but that did include the birthday girl and the DJ's. OUCH, that has to be a blow to the old self esteem. Actually it's more than that isn't it? It's worse than an actual kick in the teeth. Harder to swallow than a bag of badgers. Man that's gotta leave you reaching for the whiskey and vicodin. Saying that it left the bar staff with grins from ear to ear as they rock, paper, and scissored to see who was going home early. Silver linings and all that.....

What you need in times like this is a service to ease the pain......and make your party look good. Some sort of rent-a-friend service. I've been thinking about it since I got home. There are solutions for most of lives little problems so why not for bad parties?

solutions and logistics?
it must be good!


At 20 minutes notice my service will flood your party with drunk, or sober, revelers for a simple fee starting at £1000.00 plus bar expenses. We will also provide presents (at extra cost), photographs (first 10 free and then £15.00 per ten thereafter, celebrities can be photoshopped in, call for quote). We will also text and phone you during office hours to thank you for throwing such a great party thus adding to the illusion. No significant other to share your birthday, work promotion, religious occasion, house warming? Don't fret, rent-a-friend has you covered. With our premium "parent blocker" package we will provide you with someone to pose in all photographs with you, hold your hand all night, say nice things about you to your parents, and be there for you all night (sex not included or offered).

So take the trauma out of your next birthday dial 0800n-o-m-o-r-e-l-o-n-e-l-y-n-i-g-h-t-s and let rent-a-friend give you the party you deserve. And you do deserve it.....

15 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Gypsy said...

That is truly awful...I would have hugged her. I wonder why no-one turned up. It sounded like it would have been a great night. Btw that rent a friend thing sounded good until you said no sex included or offered. What's a good party without getting lucky at the end?????? LOL.

Deborah said...

Oh no poor ting... but what did she expect at this time of year? Rent a friend is brilliant... go for it! ;-)

Nick said...

Very sad. I hope someone somewhere gave her a little treat that made up for the non-party. I'm just intrigued by what happened to all the other intended guests. Were they all mourning Benazir Bhutto? Stuck in a monster traffic jam near IKEA? In rehab after overdoing the Xmas craic? Keep your ear to the ground, Manuel, for the inside story....

ellie said...

The poor thing, oh the shame! Her timing sucks though, why wasnt she born the 4 days before Christmas? Her party would have been a blast then!

Can you also offer a service to remover-a-friend? I will have one unwelcome guest at my table next week?

yoyo said...

That's really sad. :(
On the plus side, it's going to make it real easy for her to now know who her friends are and who she can delte from her phone and her life!

I'd so totally use renta-friend if it existed. And of course, I totally wouldnt expect 'mates rates'..

livesbythewoods said...

Ouch. I wonder if she'd done the last minute phone round thing....you know, where you check that your mates are still going to turn up.

Poor, poor soul.

Rentafriend is a cracking idea though.

Medbh said...

I'm going to be a total bitch here and say that I'm against people throwing birthday parties for themselves.
It just reeks of self-absorption.
And isn't that an awful expense for a 20 year-old?

I'll run away now.

Medbh said...

Have you seen this story?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/29/posthumous.tip.ap/index.html

angela said...

oh man. i would have personally gone to each person she invited's house and punched them in the face for not going.

and then i might have slapped her around for planning her birthday party on such a dumb night. and then hugged her cause i felt bad. hahaha.

MJ said...

I'd like to book your service in advance for my funeral.

crispy said...

OMG the poor girl, I am at a loss for words for her. Do you think Percy ,ight know what happened?!

upset waitress said...

Inviting 150 guests and 2 show up! That just doesn't happen. The girl was probably a bitch or something.

Manuel said...

gypsy: private deals can be arranged....but i'm not a pimp....honest

debs: I would but i don't know enough people.....which is ironic...

nick: not to worry Nick, about 50 should up at about 11.45pm.....but still not good

ellie: hahaha...that's my other service...excuses-r-us.com

yoyo: delete x 150

lbtw: i wonder if she lives in a bubble

medbh: i agree 100%......and as for the story.....wow.....

angela:i'd have moved to Brazil.....

mj: ah that's rent-a-tear.com

crispy: not unless it's on his script

upset: my thoughts exactly....

savannah said...

yikes, yikes, yikes! poor thing, i really do wonder what happened...as th hosting her own birthday party - no problemn, as i see it. why not celebrate with friends? but then, my b-day is 31dec EVERYONE celebrates anyway

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