Tuesday, 4 December 2007

I have a Dream.....(the WellDoneFillet Christmas Appeal)

a traditional Christmas scene
well not in Canada that is
crackers are like Rubix Cubes to those people...


Ah the joy of Canadian tourists. Good grief! What's up with those guys? I had more fun trying to get out of bed this morning. And that was rough. The snooze button was beaten hard. The alarm clock was swore at. The second alarm clock was launched to the dark place....behind the wardrobe. And there it will live until I move house again. It's unusual for me to have to get up early on a Monday morning but I had to today. "Up with the big people" as my cousin would say. Whilst the rest of the population are dragging their sorry asses to work the waiters are all in bed (our own individual bed that is. We don't share one massive bed) dreaming of what to do on their lazy Monday off work. I know what most of them do, Monday Club init!

Every half decent bar in the world will have a Monday Club, groups of waiters, bar staff, chefs etc all getting gently smashed out of their tiny minds. Before I knew of the joy of the Monday Club I used to go to the bar on my own. All my friends would sit in on a Monday night due to it being a work day or because they were broke from the weekend's shenanigans. I used to have to beg them to come out. I would lend them money, which I would never get back, just to have someone to go to the bar. Most Monday Clubs convene just around opening time and carry on until Wednesday or there abouts. Of course as I am a shite drinker I have not bothered a Monday Club in years....

Could have done with one today all the same. I got cleared up about an hour earlier than I anticipated from lunch. The Canadians provided me with no challenge, or anything worth writing about and left as soon as they finished their food. Saying that, I had put Christmas Crackers on their table which provided a moments amusement. They looked at them. They picked them up. One chap even sniffed at one of the crackers! I have never had to show someone how to pull a cracker. I held the cracker out to one of the women and after a bit of cajoling she grabbed the other end. But as I pulled on it she let go saying, and I swear to God I am not lying (I'm not that sort of boy) "Oh do you want it back?" WHAT THE...? Never has the pulling of a cracker been so built up and so poorly received. And they thought I was the weird one!!

But I had forty odd minutes to spare so what to do? I just wanted a coffee and a smoke. But it was blowing a gale outside so that simple dream was dashed. It's times like this that I really fucking hate the smoking ban. I considered just going to my coffee shop of preference and sitting inside. But then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't go. Well not fear but more the knowledge that the moment I sit down to slurp at my coffee some bloody customer would want to talk to me. "Oh your Manuel aren't you? You served us when we were in for Aunty Marges's 60 birthday. Do you remember us, do you do you do you?" They would bother me with inanely boring questions/commentary on the restaurant business. They would want to share stories with me about where they had eaten at the weekend and so on. I DON'T CARE. I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY COFFEE IN PEACE. I have a tank of happiness and pleasant conversation. I cant be wasting it with idle chit chat that isn't earning me money. Cynical? You bet, but I have to spend hours and hours being nice to people so it's hard to carry that on when I am on personal maneuvers. So I made my own coffee and braved the wind outside. And it was there, beside the bins and empty crates, that I came up with greatest plan ever, mwahahahahaha.....

....The Waiters Club! No more shall jobbing waiters have to drink coffee with the "general public" [shudder] No more shall we be forced to queue for sandwiches behind grannies and children when we are on our splits. No more shall we be forced to hide behind the bins like tramps to enjoy our smokes. No more shall we struggle to find a seat in a bar when our shift has finished. The Waiters Club will be our mothers bosom, our special place, our sanctuary away from the hideousness of the great unwashed.

The Waiters Club would be a magical place, not in a Michael Jackson sort of way, but in that special way that it would be ours all ours. Free from regular customers and children and women what lunch. I've been thinking about it all night....

The club would be open 24/7. Breakfast would be served from 6 am to 3pm. The breakfast menu (only option) would be a Bloody Mary with eggs and bacon and unlimited espresso. Monday's breakfast would be steak and eggs to help the days drinking ahead. Lunch service would start at 3pm, when most waiters finish their lunch shift. No longer would we have to put up with "what ever is left" as our lunch would start when we finish our shift. Again the lunch menu would be simple, just 3 items, steak served rare, a pasta option, and a fish pie. No substituting, no cooking it differently, no allergies catered for. Bliss. Dinner would start at 10pm and run until 2am. It would be the same menu as lunch but bigger portions. There would be no wine list to be pondered over either, just two bottles of French wine, one white, one red. Champagne would be kept in the cooler for the special occasions, someone wins their disciplinary appeal, someone breaks their daily tips record and so on.

Smoking would be allowed and the bar would stock the finest Cubans this side of Havana. The bar itself would be simple. No shitty beer that needs a wedge of lime. No flavoured vodkas, no alcopops, nothing that comes in a primary colour at all or that is spelt with a z. Nothing but the finest spirits and liqueurs would be stocked. Rums from Havana, Polish Vodkas, Irish Whiskies, and so on. There would only be 3 beers too, one lager, one ale, and Guinness.

Membership would be strictly controlled. You would have to have at least ten years unbroken experience of working in the industry. That would keep the dirty students out and those with higher ambitions. You would have to be proposed by another member and have to sit a grueling examination to gain your coveted membership card. And once you leave the industry you are out for at least another ten years. Retirement from the business is accepted and death too. Both are justifiable ways to keep your membership card. Chefs would get limited membership until they proved they weren't mentalists. Not an easy condition for most of them to prove.

It would be ours all ours. Our nirvana, our personal table, our dream.....

It's gonna take cash folks. Donate at www.makemanuelsdreamcometrue.com. I reckon I'm gonna need about half a million to get it up and running so dig deep folks. The security system alone will cost £50k, but it will be worth it just to keep the rest of "humanity" out......There'll be more on the Waiters Club during the week, unless of course I get bored with dreaming.......

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

sheepworrier said...

ah, but who will work there then, Manuel?

Conortje said...

Have you tried asking Santa? He's supposed to be fairly generous at this time of year.

dave said...

Well I aint contributing unless I get honourary membership.

I promise I'll arrive on time, eat without any fuss, pay without questioning the bill, tip generously and leave promptly.

Manuel said...

Sheepo: This would be the finest and most sought after job in the business. It would be run by a mixture of retired gentlemen and specially selected young uns.......

Conortje: Santa eh...where can I find this Santa chap?

Dave: No.....ten years unbroken service....there will be no breaking of the rules......

tallulahbloom said...

So how much you got so far then?

Anonymous said...

Manuel, I fear you may be there on your own, who else has as much non broken service as you?

toast said...

this sounds like the press club in manchester... but with food.

and therin lies my first problem with this fool idea - what in gods name are you serving food for.

As yer man in repo man quite rightly says, you can get all the major food groups from a vending machine...

Manuel said...

Tallulahbloom: £38.53 from the back of the sofa.....result....

Anonymous: There are people older than me.....somewhere....has to be....

Manuel said...

Toast: Ah but toast, our food would be the best. Rumours would permeate through the general public as to just how good the food was. And they would want to eat there. They would beg, offer bribes, and we would say no.......cos we can.....cos it's our place......

D said...

I like it! Sounds like a plan.

Mind you, I think the one large bed for waiters is a good idea as well...

Question though: I got moved up from being a waiter and now work as a night manager. Can I still apply? I still have to deal with the scum that is people.

Mudflapgypsy said...

I fear you may be talking about that mythicial place known as "Waiter Heaven", no?

When you find it knock once for no and twice for yes.

Upset Waitress said...

Hell of a dream Manuel. All hostesses should be banned as well. I would be the proud member with the bar-stool nailed to her ass.

Medbh said...

You know who should be serving at the waiter's club?
Bankers.

savannah said...

when i win the lottery, sugar! ;-)

(thanks for your kind words/congrats, darlin)

Dennis said...

Awesome plan, Manuel. BTW...what is it with Upset Waitress and hostesses? Not a lot of love lost, eh? Bad experience when she was a child?

And then she asks to be nailed in the ass in YOUR place....

Peace,

- Dennis
www.donttipthewaiter.blogspot.com

Anonymous Boxer said...

You are a visionary, Manuel.

Manuel said...

D: It's a tough question.....I think I would have to offer you limited membership at the start and see how you behaved yourself......

Muddy: If I build it, they shall come....

Upseto: Avoid obvious joke......

Medbh: Mmmm yes, gentlemen bankers at that.....it would really piss em off.....

Savannah: I'm holding you to that...

Dennis: Aren't hostesses normally hotter? maybe that's it....

Boxer: Visionary no.....genius yes....Godlike also.....

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