Turkey and Salmon Turkey and Salmon Sprouts Turkey and Salmon

I'm shattered. I'm wrecked. Pooped. Knackered. Beat. Oh I'm tired. I have stories to tell though. Anecdotes to share. Oh the laughter and the tears. The triumphs and the failures. The turkey and the salmon. The turkey and the salmon. The turkey and the salmon. A whole month with 6 main courses tends to get very boring very quickly.

But I need to sleep. I have another 13 hour shift tomorrow. It starts amusingly enough with a group of 15 Canadian tour operators for Christmas lunch (thank God for service charges) and finishes with a table of ten estate agents for dinner (thank God for Gin). So today I am giving you all the opportunity to read again one of the stories from the WellDoneFillet archive entitled THE WANKER MAGNET. I say "again" but it was from the first month of WellDoneFillet when nobody read the bloody thing. Of course you can go and visit some of my other well done things. There is a new strip on Stripped Waiter which is jolly good and if you are really up for it you can bob across to I can has wayterz and leave me a submission as I haven't the time to do so myself.....

The Wanker Magnet
(as apt now as it was when I first wrote it)

I'm a bit paranoid at the best of times but sometimes I am convinced the world truly is out to get me. This weekend, and Sunday in particular, was no different. It reinforced my delusions!

If I wasn't replying to ridiculous questions, "What times does the restaurant open?" asked one mouthbreather whilst standing in a half full restaurant at half seven on a Saturday night (and he wasn't being ironic), I was fending of the unwanted attention of five very large very buxom ladies. Death by pillows believe me!!

At one point on Sunday afternoon I was convinced I was the only sane person left on earth such was the insanity that surrounded me. Kids were either throwing themselves off the stairs or wrecking the toilets, an old couple playing musical chairs, a lesbian couple making out at half three in the afternoon, people smoking and flicking their ash on the floor (in a non-smoking restaurant), and an old duffer complaining "Them peas aren't green enough!" WHAT? FOR F***S SAKE! Oh yes Sunday truly is the Lords day, and he is welcome to it. I didn't know if I should cry, laugh, or hit the Vodka.

Where do these people come from? All classes and creeds were represented. Do they meet up in advance and plan their attack or are they part of a modern art performance group? And then all became clear...

A wise and sage old barman replied with two simple words "WANKER MAGNET". Someone, he explained, had tripped the wanker magnet and there was nothing we could do until all the wankers had arrived! And they would be arriving as sure as shit on your shoes.

I'm gonna find it and smash it to bits. Damn that wanker magnet!