Thursday, 22 November 2007

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party Part III

another Christmas fairy tale.....

This is the last installment of The WellDoneFillet guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party. After this you are on your own. This is without a doubt the most important section, it requires strict adherence and absolutely no deviation. If you fail to follow my advice on how to avoid the walking Kleenex that is the Christmas Crier or the bag of badgers that is the Christmas Mentalist I don't really care. On your own head be it. But if you fail to follow the advice (laws) listed below you are in danger, mortal danger. My patience wears easily in December, my attitude is borderline psychotic, and I haven't got time to pick the cranberries out of your gravy.

So if you want your meal to go well stick to the rules!!! And keep this in mind, the restaurant you booked in June for your Christmas party doesn't exist any more. It has been replaced by a turkey and ham factory. Chefs are now robots (drunk robots) and waiters are now a strange cross breed between school dinner ladies and army majors.

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Not Pissing the Waiter Off Causing Him To Spill Cranberry Jus over Your Nice New Suit/Dress

Be on time. I know you were working all day and have to go home and get your Simpsons Christmas tie/little black dress (size 16) on. I know this, but I don't care. If you are booked for 5pm be there for 5pm, not 4.45pm, not 5.15pm, 5pm on the button. Time is the one thing we don't have enough of at Christmas. There are sprouts and crackers to spare. Turkey is stored in every possible fridge. We have more Champagne than your average drug dealer. Time though is in short supply. We get 15 minutes between sittings to get our sections stripped down cleaned and reset. If you are late getting on to your table you fuck everything else up for the rest of the shift. If the first table is late then every other table is late there after. Not this year friends, not this year. The clock starts from the moment your table was booked. If you ain't eating I ain't waiting. If you are late and I have to rush you off in order to get the next table in on time don't get mouthy with me. You have been warned!!!

Remember what you ordered. This is a real pain in the fat waiters ass. It slows service down to the point where you have 4 waiters standing in the middle of a section with plates of food, that's not getting any hotter, whilst half drunk civil servants try to figure out wether they ordered the turkey or the beef. I know that you were ambushed in the office one day by the party organiser whilst you were working/on facebook. They stuffed the pre-order sheet under your nose and in the style of the VC soldier in The Deer Hunter shouted "Choose Choose You must choose." I know that you ticked the boxes beside your name without paying any real attention, you just wanted the excitable lady to go away. But now you must remember what you ordered. You must clear your mind of everything and focus. There are only five options, it really shouldn't be that hard. I'm not asking to to recite War and Peace just the 3 things you ordered for Christmas dinner. And no, you cant change your mind. If you take the beef but ordered the turkey don't be getting all bitchy and whiney when I take it off you and swap it for a cold portion of turkey with a dried up cranberry jus. Deal with it Mr No Memory. I thoroughly recommend that you print individual mini menus for each person in your party. It's a nice project for the office tea boy. If you want your food hot and accurate remember what you ordered.

For God sake you are 42 years old, act like it! You are in a restaurant not a Chuck E Cheese! It is not acceptable to shout and scream at the top of your voice. "Here, here Mickey, Mickey, Mickey here, pull my cracker big fella..." Good God it's so utterly depressing. It's also not acceptable to throw food at your mate on the other table. It's not acceptable to wolf whistle at the ladies. It's so very not acceptable to wolf whistle at me and my work colleagues. Although if you are wolf whistling at me you need to stop drinking. I know it is your Christmas party and you have worked hard all year blah blah blah but that is still no excuse to act like a 5 year old. When I come to your table with food you need to shut the fuck up for a minute so we can get your food to where it needs to go. Sit down and stay seated. It's very hard to navigate my way through the restaurant if you are leading a conga around my section. If you want a cigarette and God knows I will be needing one, go outside for one. The toilets don't count. Oh and if I bring your food and you aren't there I'm just gonna leave it. I don't have time to bring it back to the kitchen to get it re heated so suck it up smokey. Be warned if you act like a five year old I will treat you like a five year old. I have a naughty step too.....

Don't believe the whiskey adverts. Or the brandy ones either. The people in those adverts look cool and relaxed as they pour glass after glass of hard liquor down their necks. THEY ARE ACTORS! And they are probably drinking cold tea. You on the other hand are not an actor, you are a mid level bank employee and as such do not have the ability to drink large undiluted quantities of Bushmills, Jamesons, Hennessy, Stoli, or any other spirit. For the love of your liver, work colleagues, and me please don't do it. You will just ruin your night. Saying that once you leave the restaurant you can get as pickled as you want. Oh and if I catch you with booze in your handbag, man bag, or pocket I will chuck your cheap ass out.

And then there's the matter of the bill. Remember when you booked your table? Remember when I quoted all the prices? Remember when I asked you if were clear on all of that and you said yes? Good. So why are you bitching now? I told you there would be a service charge, I didn't "sneak" it on. Stop being a cheap SOB and pay the fucking bill. If you want to know why it's more than you budgeted for just ask the 3 drunk chaps over there with their ties round their heads. It ain't my problem. If there was a problem with the food or service (unlikely) trust me I will sort it for you, I will make the reduction when needed. And if you stiff me I will get you back. KARMA people KARMA. It's real and I have the power......So just pay, say thank you, and take you and your lovely work colleagues and go dance the night away to The Pogues and Kirsty McColl.

To summarise, arrive on time, remember what you ordered, don't get bladdered before the soup arrives, and pay the bill with good grace and don't be cheap. And when I ask you to leave I'm doing so to get my next table in, not because I didn't love you and your rendition of "The Fairy Tale of New York."

Christmas is the hardest time of the year for waiters. It's 14 hour days with little to no breaks. It's hard graft and very pressured. But you know what I can't wait........tis the season to be jolly....

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Niall said...

oh god its coming around again. at least i get more than 4 days off this year. lol. Be expectant dear people, the later it gets in the xmas season the less forgiving any member of the staff will be for your little drunken faux pas. a pocket of hard earned tips, a house full of moaning partners of family (about how little time you take off in this special season yada yada yada. lest they realise that this is the time of year we must work if not at any other, where are they in january when your minted and thirsty???? i digress) and about all you can take of the married couple bullshit who can only get released form their army of brats to only go out and get drunk and make up for it by acting like an army of spoiled brats, that coupled with a trouser load of devils rash makes for mike myers in primarks finest. dont taunt the beast, never accuse him of robbing you because those swine in the industry who do believe that they are entitled to act such way do so like a vaseline coated fart and are NEVER noticed so if you have noticed your probably wrong and your just pissing an innocent guy or girl off. nothin is worse in the world than the "you owe me your servitude " bullshit from middle classed wannabes who have no consideration beyond their own noses. Remember that in this festive season if you get his temper up a waiter always has those tips to spend on a browning and a box of shells, and some day, some day he may just pass up his 2008 porn subscription or chance of any happiness to see that look on your drunken face when you realise, the waiter is a real guy, just like you, with a temper... and a shotgun pointed at your nuts. Tis the season!

bendersbetterbrother said...

I've gone blind trying to read that single paragraph comment.

Leave gaps.

Still a bit dizzy.
I couldn't do that job. Worked in retail for years, nothing like it for turning you off Christmas. Drunk people, must be 5 times worse.

May the tips be with you.

Manuel said...

Niall: Are you drunk? I'm not gonna read that at ten to two in the morning....tomorrow man tomorrow....

BBB: mAY THE TIPS BE WITH YOU AHAHAHAHAH

Upset Waitress said...

Have I ever told you how much I hate Christmas? I made a very important decision to close down for 2 weeks in December. Screw them manics.

I think niall just ranted on your blog heheha!

Manuel said...

Upset Waitress: Close down? Not the blog I hope...sweet Jesus......if it wasn't for the tips I wouldn't do it.....but daddy needs his new imac and daddy's gonna get one.....

Medbh said...

Oh, nice, new imac. I want a lap top with all the bells and whistles.

May the holiday madness be kept to a minimum and may your pockets bulge with cash, Manuel.

I'm waiting for your post on holiday attire!

Manuel said...

Medbh: DAMN IT.......I meant to add that into this post.......could I get another post out of it.........maybe I could...

MJ said...

Niall is channeling Gertrude Stein by avoiding punctuation and paragraphs.

He may also have ingested an Alice B. Toklas brownie.

Manuel, I'm hiding my hip flask from you under my petticoat.

Niall said...

yea so i like a drink. wat can i say. its about as witty as i can be arsed being at this time of the day...

long live bombay saphire.

ps, manuel i just got a play with the new os and u aint missin anything!

dave said...

BBB: Yeah, I saw that first comment and just skipped past it myself. zzzzzz

Manuel: I'll forgive you for attacking civil servants, but I need to ask about the service charge. If I suspect that the establishment is attempting to pocket the £100 tip, what do we do?

Convert it into folded £20 notes and discreetly hand it to the waiter?

Yours,
Disgruntled civil servant

sheepworrier said...

Quite the angry young chap today, aren't we Manuel?
No tips for angry waiter.

Thank fook I'm outta that business.

Manuel said...

Mj: Petticoat eh.....how quaint.....wouldn't stop me....

Niall: Bravo young man bravo......

Dave: Yes yes and yes again.....we have it printed on all our stuff.....money goes to wait staff.......

Sheepo: Always....

fatmammycat said...

You can't wait? Masochist! God though, I don't envy you at all. The absolute tripe you must have to listen to, and you are SO correct about the shorts, swilling Jameson or Brandy when you're not used to it is a sure fire way to fuck up an evening bright and early.
Can I second BBB's may the tip be with you? And also may no pain trouble your back and may your shoes be comfy.

Toast said...

man i love christmas - but the only 2 things i hate about christmas is the bad onions who are out for their annual drinking sesh whom you have delightfully described manuel - town is full of shiny-shirted, homer simpson tied, santa hat wearing biffs that persist in being all zany and wacky in the pub / restaurant - you have my pity manuel

The second thing i hate about christmas is people who say 'i hate christmas' - no you don't you just say that because you feel you should its like people who say 'i'm scared of clowns' no you're not you dick, you heard someone say that once and you thought you would say it to sound a little kooky but in fact you just sound like someone off a bad tv show.... I concede that it is possible that you do hate clowns i concede - if you took acid in a circus and al' bozo the clown decided that you had a purdy mouth, yes then i concede you probably do have a fear of clowns, but just because you think ronald mcdonald looks a little sinister and you once read stephen kings IT does not make you scared of clowns.

Similarly, just because the old man gets fuul and tries to sing along at midnight mass and that your significant other always gets you something shit for christmas, does not mean you hate christmas - so stop telling people that you do - christmas is beautiful - its family, its friends, its friendly waves to your arsehole neighbours and its children playing with cardboard boxes and giving the x-station 720 the swerve - playing trivial pursuit and shouting that its not fair because you gave them a clue last time - its missing family and friends, and being thankful for the ones you have - its being allowed to be sentimental and crying at 'its a wonderful life' because you have just been drinking a litre of supermarket own-brand baileys.

Again, i concede if you are that burd from gremlins whose da dressed up as santa and got stuck in the chimney or you lost a loved one on or around christmas, i concede it can be tough - but the rest of you, STFU and enjoy christmas - you don't have to wear a santa hat and sing a long to slade, you just have to quit bitching for a couple of days, help with the cooking, take the old dear to church, not bray the weans and sit back and fill your glass.

man, i got my ranty shoes on today.


i do love christmas tho, and i'll wrestle nekkid with anyone who disagrees

Medbh said...

You can totally get a whole post out of xmas fashion don'ts or something to that effect.

MJ said...

Medbh is right.

Please do the dont's.

dave said...

@toast......



I HATE CHRISTMAS

Ho ho fucking Ho!

Conortje said...

You've put me right off christmas now :-(

Mudflapgypsy said...

I'm starting to feel some sort of empathy for Manuel, all this griping about the low down dirtbags that give him grief at christmas.

Would the attitude be different if they were all big tippers? ;-)

red said...

I can't even read this properly. Too cringey. I've been both waitress and attendee at too many Christmas parties and I'm only 29. I still have a lifetime of them ahead of me. eek

Anonymous Boxer said...

Classic Well Done Fillet.

You are a funny, funny man.

Manuel said...

Niall: It was well written and true to the very last word.....

FMC: Cash takes all the pain away...

toast: I LOVE CHRISTMAS, I really do. There are lots f bits I could do without but on the whole I love it. Tremendous rant there btw....a lot of it about today..

Medbh: Soon.....

MJ: Soon.....

Dave: The gentleman doth protest too much.....

Conortje: OH NO! Not my intention.......embrace it, love it, eat it, and drink it....

Muddy: no different.......and they had better all be big tippers.......service charge.....are there two words more exciting than service charge?

Red: One day you will say no......but that times is not yet upon us.....soon

Boxer: Rantilicious.....

Old Knudsen said...

You expect a bit too much sometimes.

Manuel said...

Old Knudsen: Manners? It's all I ask for......and 10 to 15%.......that's all

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