Friday, 23 November 2007

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party Part IV

DON'T BE WHACKY
or slutty, or wear fake tan or bad shoes or.....


Okay this is the last installment and in many respects it's just as important, maybe more important, than all the other wonderful life saving advice I have given you so far this week already.

There are two types of people when it comes to getting dressed for the big night out, those that do, and those that don't. Some people put the effort in and some people don't. Now I'm not saying that those who put the effort in are always the best dressed far from it. Some people can look great wrapped in a bin bag, some look like sweetie wrappers when they have spent hundreds of pounds on getting the right outfit. I have to declare that I have to put a suit load of effort into looking good. I change 5 times and inevitably end up with what I started with. It's the large tum tum you see. I'm never sure if I should try and conceal it or be proud of it. Saying that concealing it would be quite some feat. I would need some sort of magic shirt with cloaking capabilities. Anyway here is my sartorial advice for the big night out for what it's worth......

The WellDoneFillet Guide to not Looking Like a Blancmange, Serial Killer, or Lamb when you are in fact Mutton when You are out for your Office Christmas Party

Firstly it's your night out and you should want to feel relaxed and comfortable. The little Jimmy Choo shoes may look fabulous in the box but if your trotters are going to be mashed up and sore all night is it really worth it? Is it? At the same time it is great to get dressed up for a night out. But do it for yourself not for Brain/Jill in marketing in the vein hope that they see you looking a million dollars (not Canadian dollars I should add) and fall in love with you. Wear what makes you happy, with some obvious provisos. That said you are out in public, you are in a restaurant and we have some standards that must be met. So to that end all outfits made with velour are banned as are anything with a Nike/Adidas/Reebok logo. This isn't gym time.

Please, please, please go easy on the ol fake tan. I had a table of 10 ladies in my section last year and each one of them had fake tanned it to the max. It wasn't pretty. The women that opted for the heat lamp approach actually glowed not in a nice healthy way but in a radiation alert sort of way. It was like they had popped their heads into a nuclear reactor before coming out. The rest of the ladies resembled the famous Terracotta Army of the First Qin Emperor. They glowed too but it was a very patchy glow. This applies equally to both sexes as I notice some chaps are at it now too.

Now we all now you are only a young as you feel. And you may feel 18 when you are in fact 53, and that's fantastic. Saying that when I was 18 I was full of hormones, spots and teenage angst so I would really rather feel 35 than 18, well maybe not 35, 23 was good I liked being 23. But whilst you may feel 18 we all know you are 53. You cant pull off the mini skirt/cropped top look any more (sir), honest you cant. I don't say this to be cruel, I really don't. But please try and dress, if not your actual age, at least something from the same decade. This goes for the chaps too. Putting a gallon of your son's gel in your hair doesn't make you look any younger. In fact it makes you look exactly what you are, middle aged and desperate. And don't borrow his clothes either. He will hate you and more importantly you will hate yourself in the morning.

Wearing a t-shirt that says "Rebel" on it or some other shite slogan such as "Punk" or "Crazy" when you are in fact an accountant who has never done anything remotely rebellious save for stay out late one night when you were in university doesn't make you a rebel, a punk or crazy. It makes you look sad, and that's sad in a "I want to weep for" you sort of way. Please don't do it. If you want to look casual for the night just don't wear a tie with your nice M and S shirt. You will feel better for it and more relaxed. Don't wear whacky clothes. The ironic Hawaiian shirt in winter doesn't impress anyone. Santa hats are okay if you must jazz things up. But those hats with mistletoe hanging off them are sad and will make you look like a letch.

So there you are feeling fantastic, looking like something from Kay's Catalogue and you spot someone with the same outfit on. Don't for the love of Jesus get all upset and start crying and bitchy about it. It's no way for a man to act. Seriously though unless you had your outfit hand made by the orphaned children of a Parisian dress maker the chances are some one else will have been to Primark and picked the same outfit. Take comfort in the fact that you look better in it than they do. Try and avoid being in the toilets at the same time as them though. You know some people can be very cruel.

Then there is the office "weirdo", the kid that likes Radiohead and doesn't drink and always has his head in a book. He wants to look different. He wants his outfit to have people talking about him. He will say "It's just clothes man. It doesn't mean anything. You are all so self involved." and other such claptrap. But really he means, "I'm not one of you. I'm different. I like French movies." So he wears a blazer with badges on the lapel his mothers blouse, and skinny jeans and white converse shoes. And he probably spent an hour perfecting his hairs just out of bed look. He looks great, he feels great, then he spots 47 year old Gerry in accounting with the same outfit on and he sulks for the rest of the night and pulls a battered copy of an old Chomsky book and starts to read at the table. (In the hope that people notice him being weird again.) If there are one of these types at your table make him wear a party hat. There is nothing funnier than a emo kid in a party hat.

Slutty isn't sexy. God knows I've tried it, what with the backless cowboy chaps and other things. The only breasts I want to see on my tables are turkey breasts and even they are covered (in cranberry jus). Put them away, save that treat for later. I don't need to see your muffin top, your side boob, or anything else for that matter. Just cause Lindsey, Britney and Paris do it doesn't mean you have to, put your keks on! As for the lads, if I can count the hairs on your balls your jeans are too tight and you aren't impressing anyone. And from where I am standing it looks like you have a tennis ball down there Mr Inadequate.

It's winter, it's gonna be cold, chances are it's gonna rain. Bring a coat. Wow I sound like everyone's mother now. But seriously you and the entire population of Belfast/wherever are going to try and get a taxi home at the same time. You are going to be outside suffering the December weather for quite a while. Bring a coat, and maybe a scarf. You'll thank me for it.

I hope you all have a great night out. I hope you all enjoy the food and get great service (or the service you deserve) from your waiter. I hope none of you cry or go mental. I hope you look and feel fantastic. I hope the office groper leaves you alone. I hope you make it home safely, and with the one you want or back to the one you love. But mostly I hope you tip like millionaires.......


16 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

MJ said...

I’m wearing a mistletoe belt buckle.

Does that make me look like a letch?

Caro said...

On a slightly related sartorial note: I clicked through your link to Threadless and ended up getting tshirts for my brother, cousin and the Italian (and me, because online Christmas shopping is very tiring). Thank you Manuel!

Now if you have links to some wonderful emporium that does stuff for middle-aged aunts and parents that would be great too...

Mudflapgypsy said...

I am different than them and I do like french movies. Blazer and skinny jeans though, jesus.....

Manuel you seem to be talking about me circa 1990. Except I wore all black and had mustard yellow suede brothel creepers.
Showwaddywaddy reject or what?
Still have the shoes but not the cojones to wear them without a quiff.

I always said that when I turned 40I'd get a tattoo.
Now the only tattoo to get is mistletoe over my bellybutton.

dave said...

Ladies! Do not take Manuels advice on covering up. He's wrong.
It's perfectly acceptable to show as much flesh as you possibly can.
In fact, the more your blouse exposes, the better.

Manuel said...

MJ: No, it makes you something much worse.......

Caro: Bravo! Gawd bless you mrs.....I shoudl have connected it to that post......amazon....there's a link half way down....now spend woman spend.......

Muddy: I wrote it because I too know that person........I know them all too well......i got tattoos when I was 31.......

Dave: Be careful what you ask for........

Dennis said...

"Wearing a t-shirt that says 'Rebel' on it or some other shite slogan such as 'Punk' or 'Crazy' when you are in fact an accountant who has never done anything remotely rebellious save for stay out late one night when you were in university doesn't make you a rebel, a punk or crazy."

This entire post is great, and this particular excerpt is my favorite. It reminds me of when one of my old college professors came in to eat with his family at my former restuarant.

Gone was the sportjacket with arm patches, and the cordouroy trousers and glasses had disappeared as well.

Instead, much to the dismay of this man's poor children, said teacher looked like George Michael (minus the cool hair) from one of the old Wham videos. Apparently, this is how the old guy let his nonexistant hair down, and it was truly quite painful to see.

I've always felt it appropriate to dress as Jesus (circa 33) when attending any Christmas function.

In this way, I pay respect to the true meaning of the season, while not going over the line and dressing as an infant. I mean, that would just be mockery, and where does one buy swaddling clothes anyway (I know, Manuel, you'll put up a link)?

Peace,

- Dennis
www.donttipthewaiter.blogspot.com

Nick said...

Manuel, I can't bear even thinking about office parties, I've been to so many totally excruciating ones I just try to expunge them from my memory instantly. Fortunately this year we're having a Christmas lunch rather than an evening do which should be nicely convivial without turning into a mindless drunken orgy. Whoever invented office parties should be shot.

Chummy said...

I knew you like bare assed chaps

Manuel said...

Dennis: They call me "older than Jesus" at work.......the bastards...

Nick: I beg to differ Nick. Lunchtime outings lead very easily into evening drinking and then onto night time dancing followed by the house party......it's a dangerous game my friend

Chummy: It's hard to know how to react to that.......twat......

Medbh said...

Sage advice, Manuel.
Me likey.
I would add that when women wear those novelty sweaters with santa or rudolph or frosty that they look totally out of it. Plus that shit is ugly. We know it's xmas, you don't need to wear an embroidered tree to remind us.

bendersbetterbrother said...

I dress casually for these occasions and from a practical standpoint. Nothing that will look bad with a Guinness/red wine stain dribble.
Enough pockets for money/cards, phone and perhaps camera. Spare £30 tucked in a place I'll forget about until v.v.drunk later (emergency money, taxi etc.)

I try to sit beside some female company if possible and not on the periphery of the table. Timing when being seated is key here. First priority is to avoid the office bore, anything after that is acceptable though we all have our favourites.
After that it's just a matter of keeping the bottle of red in view at all times.

ellie said...

The sights you see when you haven't got a gun!

I was out in Belfast last night and there seemed to be many more fur coats on display than I have seen in a long time, most of them with no knickers!

Class, money just can't buy it...

I should know, I've tried!

Upset Waitress said...

Happy Jesus's Birthday everybody. I mean, Merry Christmas? This years party I'll be the drunken Ms. Clause trying to get it on with the Christmas tree.

Freshblade said...

If I ever own a pair of Choos, Manuel, I don't care if my feet are bleeding by 9pm. Also, did you forget that Canadian $ are better than those US ones now? *grin*

Manuel said...

Medbh: I'm all about the sage advice......Novelty whacky.both very fucking wrong

BBB: When the waiter approaches the table lift your glass and wine bottle....I knocked one over one Christmas. What a lot of crying there was about that. I was a mess too....

Ellie: Correct...

Upset waitress: Aw we all like a drink don't we....?

Fresh Blade: That's what LMM says too....you're all mental....

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