You wouldn't even think about doing it...

Awh so sweet...

I had this lovely table of 2 the other night, Mother and daughter. They were out to celebrate their birthdays. The mother's had been a few days earlier and the daughter's was coming up over the weekend. I thought it was very sweet. The mother looked quite proud, almost as if she had been looking forward to this "rite of passage" moment. They ordered well, crab claws, steaks, wine and all the sides you could want.

We weren't very busy and I put a bit of effort in for them. Well you have to some time, it's normally very difficult to motivate me when it's quiet. But I thought the picture of a mother and teenage daughter out together for dinner was, like I say, very sweet. Let's be honest most teenagers spend their time moping about their bedroom's waiting for other mopes to text them or indulging in that other teenage past time of self harming. Ask them if they want to go out for a family dinner and you will be met with a "For Gawd's sake leave me alone maaaaaaannnn".

I fussed around them topping up their wine and smiling sweetly. I had a plan to get them some of our very indulgent chocolate fondant cake resplendent with two birthday candles. I wasn't going to sing happy birthday though. I do for large parties when you can be sure they are going to join in and I can fade my screech out. But not with a table for two. It would be as embarrassing for them as it would be for me. I had a vision of tears and upset, "Mummy make the man stop, please make him stop..." as the daughter rocked her self into psychotic state. It's happened a few times in the past.

As it happened my silky tones were not going to be heard. In fact the indulgent chocolate fondant cake wasn't going to get and outing either. I was on my way down to clear the main course when the young birthday girl walked passed me. I assumed she was heading to the bathroom. Turns out she had spotted some of her friends loitering with intent outside the bar and wanted to go say hello. No big deal I thought. But 5 minutes turned into 10 minutes which turned into 20 minutes. I made small talk with the abandoned mother. Thankfully the daughter returned but...

But only to collect her bag and coat. She got a better offer from her friends so she dumped her mother and split. I watched from a distance. The mother was gob smacked to say the least. I was fucking gob smacked. Given the chance I know who I would have smacked in the gob. She wasn't angry, she didn't shout, she was just left sitting there in a state of disbelief on her own in a quiet restaurant. I moved in. The woman was distraught. Distraught women are a speciality of mine. Tears were welling in her eyes. She explained the situation and ordered a coffee. I offered sympathy and a liqueur coffee to ease the pain. Five minutes later she asked for the bill. If I could have I would have comp'd the lot for her but my powers are limited, that is to say I have no powers. Thankfully she remembered to tip in the midst of this emotional family crisis. There would have been more than her in tears otherwise.

But what a selfish, nasty, horrible thing to do to your mother. You just wouldn't do it would you?

Would you?

If that was my daughter she would be dead to me now. God I hope they turfed her out on her ass the next day.

Shove it mummy,
I'm going on the lash with the lads...