We all wish Derry didn't exist but come on....

"Fuck it Marsha I don't know where Derry is.
Let's just go to Scotchland instead"

A Canadian tourist who got shafted something shocking by an employee of Translink (bus company) may have something to say about Belfast's ability to deal with tourists. When she asked where the bus to Derry went from she was told Derry "..didn't exist". Sweet Jesus how much of a bigot do you need to be to do something like that? She was told to try the train station instead. The train to Derry takes much much longer than the bus and nobody would ever do it. The guy was being a total dick. Catch a fucking grip will you. And if Derry doesn't exist where the hell is my ex-wife from?

Northern Ireland has no big industry anymore, we don't build new ships anymore, we don't produce clothes in the numbers we used to, we don't build planes in the numbers we used to. We have to look to other ways to build the country in the wake of the new sunny disposition we find ourselves in. Tourism is the way forward if you ask me. We have a lot to offer. Tourists now make up a very high percentage of my customers at work now. Awh, they make me laugh with their funny ways and funny languages....

"Hello, do you have reservations this evening?" I ask in my convivial and if I may add, welcoming manner. (This is made up then - LMM)

The man in the expensive waterproof mac, proper walking boots, newly purchased Aran sweater, and clutching his wife in one hand and Lonely Planet Guide (They love us!) in the other replies with,

"We are two"

"Two?" I say whilst fingering the booking sheets for no real reason and playing dumb. No need by the way, no need at all. Save for amusement purposes.

"Two for foods and some things to drink" he replies, pointing at the menu.

"No res-er-va-tions then? No?"

"Ah!.." he gets what I'm on about "...no, no reservations, we just came here from today. We arrive on bus from Dundalk." He pronounced the "l" in Dundalk and this made me smile which the chap mistook for approval.

I stopped messing about and got them seated beside the window. The rest of the meal was as amusing as the start. It's the mispronouncing of everyday things that makes me laugh. For example SmithWicks is popular with the tourists (The "w" isn't pronounced). As is the champs instead of champ and we have all read my story of the Bish visky man. I try were possible to correct them, without coming across cheeky. I even had an elderly lady ask me when should she eat her champs, with her lamb or after. I nearly choked, I thought she was taking the hand out of me.

I enjoy serving tourists at work. Bloody good job too as there are so many of them coming to Belfast now. Belfast is still finding it's feet when it comes to handling tourists. So we still find them as an oddity. Odd why they would come here and odd in their ways and mannerisms. Europeans like bread with everything, if they were having bread as a main course they would ask for some bread on the side. Honestly they seem incapable of eating any meal with out 20 or 30 slices of bread to accompany it. But we know that now and raise the price of bread when they come in. Only joking. We give them less so they have to buy another portion, only joking or am I?

Americans are fucking great. My God I love them and their uber-tastic tipping. Now you have to work for the money but by Jesus it's worth it. 20, 30% AND MORE SOMETIMES! The only draw back to serving Americans is the amount of questions they ask. They ask questions that no local would even dare, "Where you from? What religion are you? Have you been or do you know anyone involved in terrorism? Do you know John Joe McFarmer, he's from Cork? It's like they are all CIA agents or something. And only the brightest amongst them get my jokes and little asides. I hear them as I walk away from the table laughing to myself at some witty line I have just delivered with their entrees, "What did he say? What did he mean? I dunno?" Then they ask you what you meant and the life is sucked out of you.

Americans, as you will be aware, get a bad rap in the media and well everywhere, but I like them. They are almost always warm and friendly. The introducing themselves thing still takes a bit of getting used to, "Hi I'm Bob and this is Barbara and we are form Maine and we just love it here in Ireland..." Americans are for the most part good fun and like I say the greatest tippers of all. God bless you and your long dead Irish Granny...

The worst, and I'm sorry to say this I mean no offence eh you know who you are, are the Canadians. They are very pleasant to serve and cause you no grief in that respect. But for 2 hours or so you thought you were serving big tipping Yanks but when the bill comes you find out it was cheap ass Canucks! They are happy to display their Maple leaf badges etc when they are going through airports and what have you but it's oh so different when they walk into a restaurant. Get it sorted eh. The same goes for Australians. Another cheap ass bunch of tight fisted sods. They have their opposite in the good people from New Zealand. The Kiwi's tip well and have better manners than their near neighbours.

We have always had tourists coming to Belfast. But they were only here for two reasons, to track down or visit family and to "survive" a visit to war torn Belfast. They got their photo taken outside of Europe's most bombed hotel and beside some mural glorifying some terrorist or other. It was as if nothing else had ever happened in the North of Ireland, that history only started in the late 60's. But those days are essentially over. Now the tourists have money. Most have no connection to the country at all. Sure they still get their photo's taken beside murals and we shouldn't try to hide the events of the last 30 years. But we must show them that the history of the country is more than Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams and yer man from the buses.