Tuesday, 15 May 2007

People who have been lucky enough to meet me

Bill Murray
never met or been served by Manuel

I'm not one to get all excited about meeting so called celebrities. They eat, sleep, and defecate just like the rest of us. Maybe they eat better food and sleep in bigger beds with more partners than you and I and they probably have people to wipe the toilet seat for them before they pop their A-List asses down, but essentially they are the same as you and I.

But sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in the hub hub that surrounds the great and the good. For example when pop strumpet Samantha Mumba was dining with us I decided that her table was in my section and insisted on serving her. Her table was no where near my section but I would have stabbed, with a fork or steak knife, anyone who tried to take it off me. Now, before you all go "but she's not a star" or "Samantha who" lets remember that this is Belfast and celebrities are thin on the ground. Pamela Ballantine and Julian notwithstanding. There were few reasons for the special ones to be here unless they were making misty eyed films about the "troubles" or looking for their long lost Grannies. Ms Mumba was a good guest and tipped well. Not that she paid, she had a bloke that carried her purse.

And there is nothing like Belfast people to call it how they see it, "Fuck me, she's lovely and she's a real n***** too." said one of my co-workers. Grim.

A few "famous" people over the years have had the joy and luck to be served by me. Nobody too grand. And they are as you would expect them to be. If they seem dull and boring on TV then, in my experience, they are dull and boring in real life.

Highlights (in no particular order)

Terry Hall
Former lead singer of the Specials. An absolute gent and honour to serve. He was cool, damn cool. The sort of cool most can only dream of, especially Pete Doherty. No class bastard. He shook my hand as he left and left a fat note behind. Real class I tells ye, class.

Samantha Mumba
She met me early one Saturday evening. That is not a photograph from that night. Only in my "special dreams". She had a stir fry and diet 7up. She was fun to serve but if I'm being honest if she had spat in my face I would have let her away with it. Rumours that I took the seat she was sitting on home with me are without foundation. Honest. MMMMMumbalicious.

Henry Kelly
Henry struck gold late one Wednesday night when I served him and two of his chums. This was only a few years ago and not during the halcyon days of GOING FOR GOLD. He was an hour late for his booking and there are few things than piss me off more than that. But Henry is smooth and made up for his lateness by letting me order for him. He was full of lilty Oirish charm and very disarming. Again class shines and he left a large gratuity. Legend, you can stick your Terry Wogan where the sun don't shine.

Gerry Adams
The door of the restaurant threw open and a man with his finger in his ear scanned the room. The door closed again and reopened a moment later and in walked Mr Adams. And couldn't have been more polite and left a generous tip and there were no problems with him or his friends. No problems at all. Brilliant customer.
(That's not what he originally wrote. But I helped him with the edit. They haven't completely gone away you know - LMM)The head chef did refuse to cook for him and went on an hour long smoke break.

Nigel Dodds
Not a lot of laughs, as you can imagine, from Mr Dodds and his friends. They had just been to church so maybe they were all laughed out. He was no fun to serve and the table faded into the background if we are going to be honest. Don't remember the tip, but he must have left one or I would have opened with that fact. Dull dull dull. No offence like.

Reviewing that miserable list I wish I lived in New York. There were others, more interesting people too. Some more glamorous than others but I'll save them for another day. In fact there were FIVE more interesting tables just last week, one table of American musicians, one table of Australian musicians, one table of former big time musicians, one table of famous poets, and a former star of kids TV.

Bill Murray would be my ideal celeb to serve. He is said to be an absolute quality punter who tips generously. I'd love to serve Stevie Wonder too and not just for the fact he tips nearly 100%. You have to think someones been taking advantage there.

12 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Bro Robin said...

Neat stuff.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

"They eat, sleep, and defecate just like the rest of us."

Liam Neeson doesn't defacate; he merely glows. He's lovely. Dreeeeeeeeeeeeam, dream dream dream.

I've heard he's considering playing Ian Paisley though. I know that ther is value in making arseholes human so we can learn to understand them and stuff, but Liam is forcing my hand here. I can no longer fancy him if he assumes the Paisley throat-wattles. He will not only defacate on my dreams but it will stink too.

ellie said...

Nigel Dodds eh? You old name dropper Manuel!

Now show me a table with Robbie Williams seated at it, not only would that be my "section" but any bitch who dared to walk too close would die!!!!

Old Knudsen said...

I really can't make words out when you put n***** instead, that Mumba gurl was in the time machine film remake, that was a load of shite. I met Spock from Star wars once, a lovely fella. If Robbie Williams came near me I'd go "nanu nanu" I bet he gets sick of hearing that one.

Conortje said...

I sold Gay Byrne a Sunday Newspaper (Sunday Indo) and Dick Spring a pint of milk. These were both when I was working in a shop in my early youth. Neither of them tipped me though. Gay signed all the old ladies' newspapers - it was very touching or something.

Conortje said...

PS. I got very excited to see LMM appearing. I think I'm a fan!

toast said...

"Henry struck gold late one Wednesday night "

is the best thing i have ever read on an internet ever... that really tickled me.

I decided not to skip class one day at ballymena tech and instead go to class, while my dear friends went to the tower centre to rob easons and caroline music... so imagine my disbelief when they came back to tell me that they had bumped into 'rab' de niro... "robert de niro was in the tower centre? have you lads been up the DR?" needless to say that they got the last laugh when the next weeks ballymena times showed rab and liam shamming down the street together.

the hoors.

paddy said...

I sincerely hope to be served by you one day. I really do
Y;-) Paddy

Medbh said...

Impressive list, Manuel.
I've waited on American football celebrities who all tipped like shit and whose names I cannot recall. Waited on Billie Jean King years ago and she was gracious and a heavy tipper. Also waited on Stephen Stills from Crosby, Stills, and Nash. I didn't know who he was until the manager told me.

whyioughtta said...

Cool...can't wait to see the Manuel Celeb List, Part 2.

Manuel said...

Bro robin: indeed "neat"

Sam: Little Miss Manuel is related to the big one you know. Proper related too, not third cousin twice removed sort of related either. He got her an extras role in Michael Collins, which was nice.

ellie: me n nige, as I know call him

Old k: not from you i'm sure.

Conor: Gay Bryne, whatever happened to him? Alive or dead? LMM? Watch this space

toast: "sham" great word. I have a friend from Kilrea who uses it

paddy: you will, keep the dream alive. Also bring lots of cash.

medbh: stills eh nice. Only I knew who terry hall was. Kids eh!

wio: Soon my child, soonThere are photographs that need doctored first

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