Monday, 14 May 2007

The "Ballymoney Swinging Scene"

A perfectly cooked fillet of beef
not to be confused with bottom licking, the bookies,
whores &swinging in Ballymoney

God Bless the Internet and all who surf it's dirty dirty waves. It's fair to say that anything and everything is catered for on the Internet from Aardvarks to Zena Warrior Princess and everything in between. And every time you visit your favourite sites on the Internet someone knows about it. No more can you enjoy and relax to the simple yet rewarding pleasures of naked women interacting with barnyard animals on your own. Some knows what you did last night when the wife and kids were at Grandma's and you said you couldn't go because you had too much work to do but really you had a night planned with Gretchen and her Shetland Pony.

As a Blogger I too have the ability to see who has been peering through the venetian blinds at my masterfully crafted Well Done Fillet. I can see how many times you were here, how long you stayed, and most fun of all how you got here. Mostly I just ignore most of this information (no he doesn't, he is obsessed with it- LMM) and just check how many hits I get a day. But the best bit is how people got here through using search engines such as Google.

Now most people using search engines who end up here use "well done fillet" and other such permutations. But some people arrive here quite by mistake. Like the person who was searching for "FILLET SEX" or the very dirty puppy who wanted to "TASTE YOUR OWN ARSE". I know nothing about FILLET SEX and have nothing to offer with regards to tasting your own bottom. Although you could try McDonald's, that muck has a definite taste of arse about it.

But seeing as some people arrive here looking for help in such areas I will offer some advice where I can. I have listed some of the more amusing, not to say disturbing, searches that have ended up on Well Done Fillet and advice to help the misguided. Just to reiterate this site is about the unbridled joy that is waiting tables.

All these are written verbatim.

"Can mans testicle fall off"- I don't know, but you should really go to your doctor if you are having testicular problems. Seriously? Asking Google is no way to treat something so important.

"Why am I bitter?" - I don't know, but your not me so that's got to suck.

"Penis+Testicle+Restaurant" - Eh?...What?....Try a French restaurant? maybe. Go away you scare me.

"Do cooks spit in food" - No, waiters do.

"a no a no a no one two a one two" - What does that mean? How did you end up on my blog? What do you want from me?

"Bookies Ballymoney" - Just go to your yellow pages or something, stick a fiver on for me too. Ta Ta.

"Hold back Fillet toe to a minimum" - Yes, sure, why not!

"Whores logic" - Not sure what you were looking for here. But my advice would be just pay up and leave her alone.

And then things got very very strange....

"Ballymoney swinging scene" - HOW? WHY? [Shudder] There are so many questions and I'm not sure I want the answers. If I was looking for a scene to "swing" in my advice would be try Monte Carlo or the Algarve or almost any where other than Ballymoney. No offence and all that.

Swinging in Ballymoney, not to be confused
with a blog about working in a restaurant

I'm watching....

14 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Little Miss Manuel said...

You had better not be watching those three. Filthy beasts. I'm watching you my lad.

Medbh said...

Yuck on the visual, Manuel. Swingers seem a tad desperate.
Any "Fawlty Towers" searches?

savannah said...

i KNOW! those stats just drive you crazy, don't they? i find myself checking the sitemeter all the time...and i'm not a competitive person, by nature...i've only seen a couple of searches, but they were easy to figure out...nothing at all as intriguing as the ones that led to you, sugar!

ellie said...


I have experienced this one, well almost ...went out with a dick, he talked bollocks while we were having dinner!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Is that man doing the blonde one with his toes? He bloody is, isn't he! The smink of it all.

ellie said...

Who owns the hairy leg centre, back of the picture ?

Old Knudsen said...

so anyway why am I bitter?

paddy said...

Those "stats" you are checking let me tell you are a load of Bollix They're as accurate as a pee on a drunken Sat. night, unless you're paying for them and even then I'd doubt it. Just think about MI5 and the like they could track a dog in the snow with a weak bladder.
I am in a bit of bladder today I guess.Y;-) Paddy
PS: how's the Dad. I hope the phone call went well. Ha!!

paddy said...

PS to PS: they couldn't track a dog in the snow. I think I'm a bit off track me-self.
I said Yesterday: "I was swimming on a beach."
Mike asked me: "how the fuck do you swim on a beach."

toast said...

y'see i see what you have done here... by incoprporating these key phrases actually into your blog, you then increase your google rank for those searches thus sewing up the market for german willy eaters and swinging, gambling 'munions.... i am sitting in my comfy seat waiting as this site now goes off into weird and scary directions with your new readership

Anonymous said...

Not in Jim Allister's name!!

Manuel said...

LMM: I only have eyes for you, and maybe your friend, nah only joking.

medbh: you'd think so, but no

savannah: I've always attracted a dodgy crowd, even at school.

ellie: sounds like a laugh! as for the errand leg, i dont know, and i aint gonna study it to find out

old k: cos your not me, i said that already...

paddy: dads good. he had to go to hospital the other day. on the way into the operating theatre he noticed the nurses flicking through cd's. they asked him what he wanted and he said "dont go breaking my heart" and "wake me up before you go go". legend...

sam: dirty filthy beasts, end of

toast: your lot you mean, [wink]

anon: yup, its hard to believe. i blame the patton report, polish migrants and sf/ira.

Medbh said...

Toast, I thought of the German willie eater as well. That's a special kind of crazy.

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