Whinging Wednesday The Waiters Retort (Part 2)

Whinging Wednesday?

On a Monday?
Life's crazy eh?

This is part two of The Waiters Retort to all your wonderful "feedback" about what irks you and causes you flinch when you go out to eat.

Original Post Here

Part One of The Waiters Retort Here

I know what you're thinking, "same picture again"...
wrong
he's whinging from right to left this time and is wearing a wdf badge.
so there....

1. Waiters who sit down at the table with me to take the order. Yeah never really got that one myself and have never done it and as I get older I am very unlikely to start doing it. Cant get up again you see. No one wants to have to spend twenty minutes helping the waiter back on to his feet now do they? But it is scientifically proven to increase tips. Proven by whom and with what branch of science I cannot say. Maybe it was the same people who investigated why cornflakes go soggy when you add milk to them. The waiter wants, temporarily, to be your friend so that you will tip them. They may also be trying to pick you up. So if you are open to this just budge up a little. If not just shoo the irritating chap away.
   
2. Clearing other diners plates when someone else is still eating. Not on, not on at all. I do remember serving a table of 12 recently that had one particular slow muncher on it. He did more talking than eating. There would be little spurts of activity as someone else managed to get a word in but mainly it was just him holding court. It went on for an age. I could see the other guests at the table looking at me looking at him. They wanted dessert as much as I wanted to serve it to them but whilst yer man was still eating there was nowt I could do. One chap woman did break away from the table and order coffee, she was beside herself with anguish at my plight. And just when we all thought he was about to pop the last fork full in his yapper he started all over again. He was waving his fork around like an orchestra conductor. But yet I just had to wait. So if the waiter pulls a plate from your table when someone is still eating you have my permission to pull them on it. Side plates and serving dishes are fair game though.
   
3. Waiter who take complaints personally and immediately adopt a defensive position. Why what the fuck did I say? Pfft.....
4. Waiters who look down their perfectly snooty noses at your pronunciation of menu items. This is a bit of a tricky one for me. Look being a waiter has it's ups and downs. Most guests are perfectly lovely people with manners and good souls. The money is good but the hours suck and sometimes you just wanna go postal. So one of the little joys we get is being snooty when people mispronounce menu items. Mostly I just let it slide and would never dream of embarrassing the guest. If I think I can teach a little, and the guest will take it as I mean it, I will correct them. But if the guest is an ass, has previous form for being an ass, is even just slightly suspected of being an ass I will indeed correct them there and then loud and proud at the table. Or continue to use his mispronounced word for the rest of the evening. "Your pork o'juice sir!" Quality fun. If the waiter is being a bit too snooty for his own good then just pull him on it. I guarantee he will wind his neck in and become the waiter you always dreamed off.
5. Waiters who are simply too cool for school and they're like only doing that job until a producer recognises their AMAZING star fucking quality and offers them a hollywood contract. Oh me too, I fucking hate these douches. Bohemian sorts. They don't want to be there and spend all their time telling you this. Not just you but the customers too. They are just doing the job until they get their own show, or the band signs a deal or their agent sorts out an audition for some channel 4 drama.I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I GET IT, YOUR NOT REALLY A WAITER!!!!! Bohemian waiters do all that they can to prove this by being consistently late, looking like shit at all times, never washing their uniform, and never really mixing with the other staff. They are skinny hippy types with a collection of stars tattooed on their arm and a random selection of badges. They are what Emo teenagers become after they have left Art College. Their stinky skinny friends are always calling in on the mooch for free food or drinks. They can be an amusing distraction for a while but it all turns sour when they realise that their big break isn't coming. Then it's everybody else's fault. Bohemian waiters are in their mid to late 20's and their dreams are turning to dust. Bitterness seeps from every pore, every filthy unwashed pore. These guys get hired because they have a degree in something wonderful like history of art or media studies but cant perform the simplest of tasks like setting a table in under a half hour! Fuck off and get washed, hippy.

And my favourite complaint of all, posted in full, came from Carine....

When you're in a more salubrious restaurant and the waiter insists on putting your napkin on your knee for you. Like I can't do this myself? I don't want your hands in my lap thanks.

I ate in one such restaurant in London where I took my napkin off my lap to go to the loo, but before I could stand up the waiter darted across the restaurant and bloody put it back. Five minutes later, I managed to deftly remove my napkin and stand before he could get to me. however, he then WALKED ME TO THE TOILET. I then tried to sneak back to my table without him noticing me but to no avail and HE RAN ATFER ME (yes, by this time I was running across the restaurant), he then grabbed my napkin and thrust it into my lap the minute my ass touched my seat.

This is not normal behaviour.

Diamond shoes a bit tight? No but seriously I have no answer to that, but man is it funny......

We'll do this again sometime, but not sometime soon. I come home to get away from complaints!