Things I would like to say but don't (well not very often)

1. Customer: "What have you got for kids?"
Manuel: "Nothing but contempt, sir, nothing but contempt."

2. Customer whistles to get my attention
Manuel: "Lost your dog sir?" whilst showing rage face, then walk away ignoring whatever it is they need.

3. Customer: "Can I get a half fat double decaf latte with no foam and extra vanilla?"
Manuel: "Say regular coffee or get out!"

4. Customer: "Waiter, what do the crabs come with?"
Manuel: "A penicillin cream sir."

5. Customer clicks his fingers to get my attention
Manuel: Sir, you salsa? More of a fox trot man myself, then walk away ignoring whatever it is they need.

Sometimes it's best just to bite your lip. But sometimes you can't help yourself and the retort is out before you have had time to consider then implications. And if you say it quick enough you can be away from the table before the mark realises that you have just called him a monkey bummer. The old cough to cover up a curse is a reliable fallback and works best when other staff are nearby to appreciate it. But sometimes you just want to call them MOUTHEBREATHERS THAT THEY ARE!! So if your enjoying a wonderful meal for two and the waiter is coughing near your table you had better hope he has the cold! [cough-wanker-cough]