Nasty
I've seen some nasty things in my time,
not all of them in my own bathroom either.
I've seen all sorts of roadkill, gruesome bodies (both living and dead), expelled bodily fluids on top of expelled bodily fluids, Arsene Wenger close up, nests of rats oh I've witnessed it all.
Spending every summer, for about 12 years, on my grandparents farm I saw calves being born and let me tell you that ain't pretty. I've seen vast tanks of animal effluent. I've seen pigs, chickens and cows slaughtered.
Oh the horror, the noise, the smell.
I sat on a train once and witnessed a grown man stick his hand down his trousers rummage around retract his paw and sniff it. Not just a quick sniff either but rather a good long, fill the lungs, sort of sniff.
I nearly heaved my lunch, but.......
not all of them in my own bathroom either.
I've seen all sorts of roadkill, gruesome bodies (both living and dead), expelled bodily fluids on top of expelled bodily fluids, Arsene Wenger close up, nests of rats oh I've witnessed it all.
Spending every summer, for about 12 years, on my grandparents farm I saw calves being born and let me tell you that ain't pretty. I've seen vast tanks of animal effluent. I've seen pigs, chickens and cows slaughtered.
Oh the horror, the noise, the smell.
I sat on a train once and witnessed a grown man stick his hand down his trousers rummage around retract his paw and sniff it. Not just a quick sniff either but rather a good long, fill the lungs, sort of sniff.
I nearly heaved my lunch, but.......
nasty nasty nastynose picker
but there's nastier....
....but none of that was as nasty as the shit I saw on Sunday night. Oh no, this was the nastiest thing I've seen in many a year.
It was early Sunday evening and all was well. It was a bit of a Goldilocks night, not too busy not too quiet just right. One of my tables was preparing to leave, a two top, mother and teenage son, probably 18/19 years old. I dropped the bill off and stood back, like I say it wasn't busy so I treated myself to some leaning time. I enjoy a good lean, who doesn't?
My leaning/pondering time was disturbed by the teenage son. I don't like to have my lean time disturbed. I was drifting into a happy daydream, the usual thing, waiter takes over world, world worships at his knees. But just as the children of the world had begun to sing to me I noticed teenage son's hand hovering above the money his mother had left to pay the bill before she went to the bathroom.
What was this about?
Were shenanigans afoot?
I could see him check the bill.
I watched as he counted the money.
I nearly spat as he lifted a note and some coins and plant them into his back pocket.
The dirty rotten low life bastard. I couldn't stop myself, I emitted a very loud, "NO!" Not in a Platoon style 'I've just been shot" more a 'I cant believe it' type thing.
The bastard. Tip robbing is as low as it gets. His mother thinks she left a healthy tip, well she did, I just never got it save for 80 pence. It was all I could do not to throw it at him as they left.
I hope she takes her handbag to bed with her because I'm sure he dips it on a regular basis. Waiters are like elephants, insert own fat waiter related joke here, we never ever forget. There will be a little extra "spice" in his pepper sauce next time he pops in.
Waiter karma, it's real and it hurts........
It was early Sunday evening and all was well. It was a bit of a Goldilocks night, not too busy not too quiet just right. One of my tables was preparing to leave, a two top, mother and teenage son, probably 18/19 years old. I dropped the bill off and stood back, like I say it wasn't busy so I treated myself to some leaning time. I enjoy a good lean, who doesn't?
My leaning/pondering time was disturbed by the teenage son. I don't like to have my lean time disturbed. I was drifting into a happy daydream, the usual thing, waiter takes over world, world worships at his knees. But just as the children of the world had begun to sing to me I noticed teenage son's hand hovering above the money his mother had left to pay the bill before she went to the bathroom.
What was this about?
Were shenanigans afoot?
I could see him check the bill.
I watched as he counted the money.
I nearly spat as he lifted a note and some coins and plant them into his back pocket.
The dirty rotten low life bastard. I couldn't stop myself, I emitted a very loud, "NO!" Not in a Platoon style 'I've just been shot" more a 'I cant believe it' type thing.
The bastard. Tip robbing is as low as it gets. His mother thinks she left a healthy tip, well she did, I just never got it save for 80 pence. It was all I could do not to throw it at him as they left.
I hope she takes her handbag to bed with her because I'm sure he dips it on a regular basis. Waiters are like elephants, insert own fat waiter related joke here, we never ever forget. There will be a little extra "spice" in his pepper sauce next time he pops in.
Waiter karma, it's real and it hurts........
