Half man, half badger - all waiter....

I had to get up at eight on Wednesday morning. Can you imagine the horror of such a thing for a chap like me? Eight? In the morning? It was frightful I can tell you. Just like badgers, waiters are primarily a nocturnal species. There are a few day walkers who work lunch shifts and what have you but I wouldn't know about such things. Badgers and waiters have many things in common. Yes we do. They prefer the night and also dress in black and white, as badgerland.co.uk notes, "They are nocturnal, which means they usually leave their setts at dusk or later. They emerge cautiously, sniffing and listening for signs of danger. Once they are sure it is safe, they leave to groom, play and forage."

If that doesn't describe your average waiter well I don't know what does. Surely "groom, play and forage" transcribes as - dress, drink and kebab!

I'm losing it aren't I?

half man, half badger

all waiter....

And why, I hear you ask, was I up at such an ungodly/waiterly hour? Fixer upper men that's why, fixer upper men in my house to be precise. Okay there was only one but one is enough. Following the recent flood in the house, when the sitting room was literally under feet milliliters of water, repairs were required to return my own badger lair to it's former glory. And being as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to handy chap activities I obviously called upon the Landlord to fix my water beaten floor and what have you.

The Landlord is a fairly affable and pleasant chap though he does have a tremendously annoying habit of leaving long pauses during conversations that I feel duty bound to fill. And fill them I do, normally with incoherent gibber and indeed jabber. I find long pauses unsettling and will happily volunteer any information, no matter how personal just to fill the void. It's a safe bet I would not fair well in a wartime situation.

Anyhoo he phoned last week to say he would be round on Monday, morning of course, to see what needed done. This ultimately lead to a weekend of cleaning and tidying and stuffing things into drawers. Plant pots were used to hide mysterious and immovable stains and the cousin was sent to wait in the garden until the landlord had been and gone. The two don't really get on since the cousin's attempts to have a SKY TV satellite dish were so swiftly poo pooed by Mr Landlord.

Keeping the house tidy is a challenge at the best of times but having to keep it tidy for a whole freaking week is the equivalent of sucking in your fat tum tum and fake smiling for family photos, but for a week. Oh how I long to throw stuff on the ground and build up a satisfying amount of dishes that take an hour to wash.

So he comes round on Monday and starts tut tutting and head scratching and measuring the floor with large manly strides. I stood to the side filling the lack of conversation by disclosing my pin number and internet passwords and the secret thing that happened in the summer of ought four that we don't talk about. Honestly I don't know what it is but he spooks me out. He left promising to return on Wednesday to paint the place which was unusual as I couldn't see how painting the house would fix the floor, but what do I know. I changed a plug once and felt like an electrician.

Now I didn't fancy a whole day of excruciatingly dull conversation filled only with nodding and the involuntary revealing of my many many dark secrets so I went to work. That's right I went to work leaving the Landlord alone with only his tins of creamy coloured paint for company. I not only went to work to escape having to spend the day with him but I went in an hour early. How's that for dedication to the cause? The cause in this case being my sanity.

So I get home thinking it would all be done and lovely only to find a note saying he would be back on Friday to finish the painting and that he would do the floor next week. Mother of Mercy I cant keep the house tidy and the cousin in the garden for that long. Sake, if I go into work an hour early again the aye gonna think I am up to something....

Wish I was a badger.....