Thursday, 27 November 2008

Half man, half badger - all waiter....

I had to get up at eight on Wednesday morning. Can you imagine the horror of such a thing for a chap like me? Eight? In the morning? It was frightful I can tell you. Just like badgers, waiters are primarily a nocturnal species. There are a few day walkers who work lunch shifts and what have you but I wouldn't know about such things. Badgers and waiters have many things in common. Yes we do. They prefer the night and also dress in black and white, as badgerland.co.uk notes, "They are nocturnal, which means they usually leave their setts at dusk or later. They emerge cautiously, sniffing and listening for signs of danger. Once they are sure it is safe, they leave to groom, play and forage."

If that doesn't describe your average waiter well I don't know what does. Surely "groom, play and forage" transcribes as - dress, drink and kebab!

I'm losing it aren't I?

half man, half badger
all waiter....

And why, I hear you ask, was I up at such an ungodly/waiterly hour? Fixer upper men that's why, fixer upper men in my house to be precise. Okay there was only one but one is enough. Following the recent flood in the house, when the sitting room was literally under feet milliliters of water, repairs were required to return my own badger lair to it's former glory. And being as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to handy chap activities I obviously called upon the Landlord to fix my water beaten floor and what have you.

The Landlord is a fairly affable and pleasant chap though he does have a tremendously annoying habit of leaving long pauses during conversations that I feel duty bound to fill. And fill them I do, normally with incoherent gibber and indeed jabber. I find long pauses unsettling and will happily volunteer any information, no matter how personal just to fill the void. It's a safe bet I would not fair well in a wartime situation.

Anyhoo he phoned last week to say he would be round on Monday, morning of course, to see what needed done. This ultimately lead to a weekend of cleaning and tidying and stuffing things into drawers. Plant pots were used to hide mysterious and immovable stains and the cousin was sent to wait in the garden until the landlord had been and gone. The two don't really get on since the cousin's attempts to have a SKY TV satellite dish were so swiftly poo pooed by Mr Landlord.

Keeping the house tidy is a challenge at the best of times but having to keep it tidy for a whole freaking week is the equivalent of sucking in your fat tum tum and fake smiling for family photos, but for a week. Oh how I long to throw stuff on the ground and build up a satisfying amount of dishes that take an hour to wash.

So he comes round on Monday and starts tut tutting and head scratching and measuring the floor with large manly strides. I stood to the side filling the lack of conversation by disclosing my pin number and internet passwords and the secret thing that happened in the summer of ought four that we don't talk about. Honestly I don't know what it is but he spooks me out. He left promising to return on Wednesday to paint the place which was unusual as I couldn't see how painting the house would fix the floor, but what do I know. I changed a plug once and felt like an electrician.

Now I didn't fancy a whole day of excruciatingly dull conversation filled only with nodding and the involuntary revealing of my many many dark secrets so I went to work. That's right I went to work leaving the Landlord alone with only his tins of creamy coloured paint for company. I not only went to work to escape having to spend the day with him but I went in an hour early. How's that for dedication to the cause? The cause in this case being my sanity.

So I get home thinking it would all be done and lovely only to find a note saying he would be back on Friday to finish the painting and that he would do the floor next week. Mother of Mercy I cant keep the house tidy and the cousin in the garden for that long. Sake, if I go into work an hour early again the aye gonna think I am up to something....

Wish I was a badger.....

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Why's he fixing up the place?
Planning to sell? Raise your rent?
I only ever had landlords who had to be nagged to do the least little task.
Sounds fishy, Manuel.

Manuel said...

medbh: no whilst he is dull he is also as straight as a die....the place needed painted...and landlords can raise the rent of sitting tenants without major work being done....a paint job doesn't count....

Dave said...

Christ Manuel, for someone who has OCD, surely you can keep the joint butts outta the house for a while!
Tell your cuz to tidy up while you are out.
I've got images flashing in my head of your place resembling that of Lapeno, Fat Ed, and Mervin!

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

You Manuel cannot hide like a badger from these nuisances that keep popping up so frequently in your life.Thus I guess the reference to it'd better to be a badger.

Old Knudsen said...

I bet there are a lot of stains in yer house.

red leeroy said...

paint a white stripe down your back, foam at the mouth and growl at your landlord, he wont be back in a hurry.

harried_dad said...

So have you scratched your name in the wet paint?

Manuel said...

dave: hey hey hey.....that's the second time this week someone has accused me of smoking dope....manuel don't do drugs....

steve: but I wanna be a badger...!!!

old k: yer ma was round .....you know what I mean

red: hey that's what my ex-wife did!!

dad: no.....okay but just the initials....

Kitty Cat said...

"paint a white stripe down your back"

Big mistake. Everyone knows that just leads to sexual harassment from Pepe Le Pew cos he's all confused again.

MikeTheWaiterDotCom said...

Great story, Manuel. It really makes you seem so real...just another worker bee like the rest of us!
happy Thanksgiving, Mw

Lottie said...

That photo is just freaky. it's like the lucozade ad with the teddy bears. Bleugh!

Native Minnow said...

The guy in the pic isn't half man half badger, he's just a furry.

waxydan said...

Mmmmm.... furry.... mmmmm

Conan Drumm said...

You and your nocturnal missions.

belfastyouthworker said...

are you sure you don't do drugs? it's the waiter staple!!

Manuel said...

byw: manuel needs no drugs.....he has his pears....

paddy said...

one of the chefs I interviewed last week told me a great landlord story. Apparently he had an inspection by the landlord and realtor scheduled which after a night of carousing completely skipped his mind. He awoke spreadeagled on the carpet in his trashed loungeroom with the realtor standing over him. The realtor is staring into the next room at his recently acquired massive dog and looking pretty pissed off (it's a no pets lease). Thinking quickly he mumbled he was just looking after the mutt for a friend. The realtor snapped back - "he seems pretty at home, as a matter of fact he's taking a shit in the corner as we speak."

He's being evicted. But I gave him the job.

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