"I would be depressed without my hair"

I've been working all day. Ok that's pushing it a bit, I've been at work all day. Being at work all day I missed all the big news stories. You know what it's like, the world could go to war and I'd miss it. And I'm obsessed with the news. I have BBC News 24 on all day. Sad really, but I hate missing out on breaking news stories.....especially if my cousin hears something big before me. Very sad. But I did miss 3 big stories today....

Like the couple who got married only to discover that they were twins who had been separated at birth. If the first word out of your mouth isn't "eeeewwwwww" then there is something wrong with you. Oh to be a fly on the wall when they got that phone call. And how does that even come up in conversation?

"Hey hon, you know the way people keep saying we look alike"

"Mmmm what's that sugarpie?"

"I'm just saying, people keep saying we look very similar. Do you think....eh....um.....that maybe....you know what with us both having been adopted"

"No darling.....well.....no.....couldn't be......I mean......like what are the chances? And that birthday thing is just coincidence.....that's what we always said......coincidence right.......coicidence"

"Yeah, yeah you're right......I'm sure you're right......." Doubt sets in and before you know it you're asking a judge for an annulment.

Cheeeerist on a bike that's gotta mess with your noodles for quite a long time. I'm not having a laugh at their expense, honest I'm not. But sweet roast potatoes how do you ever get over that?

I also missed the winner of this year's UTTER BASTARD OF THE YEAR Award, I know it's only the 12th of January but if anybody beats this bed wetter to it I will eat my own ass. One for the Road carries it in full. You must click and read. YOU MUST! Beyond words and contempt.

The human condition is a fragile one of that there is no doubt. People break their own hearts, others have theirs broken for them. But the story of the day, a heart breaking tale of a 15 year old school boy, really shows the human condition for what it is, self centred bullshit.

Grant Stranaghan is a GCSE student at Ballyclare High. He was suspended last year for three days for................refusing to get his hair cut. The utter bastard. And now, good people, it's gone to court. Not some kids court thingy or some sort of school committee masquerading as a court, but to an actual court with an actual judge and lawyers and people with stern expressions who say "M'lad" a lot and "If it may please the court....". Mr Justice Weatherup was asked by the school's lawyers to say its code of conduct on pupils' appearance was lawful. The lawyers for hippy, as I'm sure he gets called at school, will argue that he is being sexually discriminated against and that his human rights are being inFRINGED, you cant make this shit up.

"I would be depressed without my hair"

Grant Stranaghan
hahahahahahahahahaha

I'm sure Mr Justice Weatherup got to work this morning and said, "What the fuck?" and had a look around his chambers for the team from Candid Camera. I'm sure he expected the man with the withered hand to pop out and tell him it was all just a jolly jape and in fact he would be sitting in on a nice assault with a deadly weapon case instead. But no, in Northern Ireland in 2007 we are having court cases about whether or not some wee lad should get his lovely flowing locks sheared or not. It's times like this I miss the old days of supergrass trials and people shouting political slogans as they are lead away for 30 years (cut to 5 thanks to the good friday agreement.)

Since Grant went public with his hairy problem life ain't been easy. He was assaulted by boys with short hair who tried to cut his hair. That's what Belfast is like in this post-troubles era folks. The hairdressers roam the streets with impunity mercilessly trying to give people hair cuts. Can't kneecap them any more! Grant has also been chucked out of his class as well. He's been banished to a cupboard or a store room or something like that on his own. His dad calls it solitary confinement. Probably a bit over the top there Mr Stranaghan. And one on one tuition? Good grief some people pay a fortune for that sort of thing.

The Belfast Telegraph said the case "could have massive legal implications for schools across Northern Ireland." Really? Could it? You mean kids may not have to wear uniforms anymore and can grow their hair any way they want. Nightmare. Oh what will become of the country? The very fabric of society will crumble, and a spotty teenager from Rathcoole will be to blame. Or not as the case may be.

And where, I hear you ask, does Manuel stand on the whole issue? One part of me says just get your haircut, suck it up for a year and leave when you are 16 and go to a college and hey you can grow your hair down to your ass then if you want. The other part of me says well done fella, stick it to the man. I mean look at all the kids with short hair and tracksuits and cannabis leaf gold jewelry, they are just fantastic members of society. But the really big part of me says.......I just don't care......

I just don't want to find out in ten years time that LMM is my long lost twin sister...........