Tuesday, 28 April 2009

I have become comfortably dumb

I had always assumed that the dullest thing on gods green earth was the verbose, prog, rock stylings of those hideous bastards Pink Floyd. Philosophical lyrics? Sonic experimentation? Elaborate live shows? Meh, who gives a rats ass? The fact that they are credited with influencing Genesis is nothing to be proud of. In fact the shame of that alone should have driven them into the hills to live the life of a recluse only surfacing from time to time to warn the kids to stay away from keyboards whilst under the influence of drugs, maaaaan.

there's a charming toilet scene in this story too...

I will never forgive Pink Floyd for unleashing that 95 minute long art college wankfest, "The Wall" on the world. Watching it was seen as a right of passage moment and no dissenting voice was tolerated. You had to play along and ooh and ahh and make like you were going home to write in your diary about it before cutting yourself to sleep in the bath. Depressing? Oh good god yes. Depressing and insanely boring. I was sixteen and full of Gothy joy and wonder. I did not share their dystopian view of the world. I had seen a real boobie and new that life was gonna be okay.

But oh good Gordon they are dull, so so dull and like I say I had always assumed that they, Pink Floyd, were the dullest thing striding the planet. But Sunday changed that, for the only thing duller than Pink Floyd is in fact fans of Pink Floyd. So much corduroy, so many beards, so much mumbling into beards.

It was Sunday night and all the lovely seats were filled with the corduroy'd bottoms of middle aged men most of which were sporting beards. I have never seen the beautiful restaurant filled with so many genuinely ugly people stroking their beards and rubbing the elbow patches on their home knitted sweaters. It was like a "Pink Floyd Fans Think-in" or Pfft for short. The Australian Pink Floyd were in town so hairy men were out in force. This was obviously to the delight of the women who are married to hairy men.These are the sort of chaps who own £500 Sennheiser headphones and refer to themselves, without any hint of irony, as audiophiles. They are philes alright.

Anyhoo most were easy enough to deal with, mumbling, beard stroking and waffling about live bootlegs aside. But one guy on one table was enough to bring all my distrust and repressed dislike for all things Pink Floyd, Australian or otherwise, back to the surface.

He was beardy in the extreme with grayish black hair emanating from not only his face but from his ears, nostrils and I swear to god his forehead. It was like there was no discernible break from head hair to face hair. I'm not sure if this hirsuteness was the cause of his bitterness or if it was the years of listening to Pink Floyd but he was unhappy about life. It didn't help that we were down a few menu items due to having had our asses handed to us the day before.

"So there is no tuna, no Caesar salad and only one seabass. What exactly do you have?", asks the bearded one with a tone that simply wasn't required. I wouldn't mind but he hadn't even looked at his menu.

Sunday night isn't the night to be snippy with me, I'll not be for taking it.

I stared at him for a second or two longer than he expected and this made him twitch. One nil to the waiter. "We have everything else....sir."

His bearded chums were actually rather pleasant despite none of them having apparently seen the inside of a shower in many a few years by the smell of it. And who the blinkers wears a heavy sweater to a gig, who? But I put my own health and well being to one side and tried a few one liners and witticisms which raised a few polite guffaws.

Yer man wasn't having it though and continued with the sniping and acerbic barbs. "Jokes a plenty but no tuna eh." I ignored him. When I asked him what side order he wanted with his lamb he replied, "Well what have you not run out of?" I was getting very fucking tired with this. "Chips? Do you have chips? Will you still have chips when my food is ready?" Again I ignored him but did cast him a very dirty look. Ooooh get me!

Just like most Pink Floyd albums/concerts he carried on along this repetitive, sardonic route for what seemed like an age. One irascible, sarcastic, captious remark after the other. I wished there had been a wall and he was on the other side of it. Bearded buffoon.

The arrival of his food seemed to shut him up if only for a moment. But finally there was some relief and all round the restaurant the bearded wonders were happily chomping away and when they weren't chomping they were pulling dropped bits of food from their beards. Nice.

I took this opportunity to go to the bathroom mainly to check emails but I also needed to go. But Gordon damn it the stalls were all taken leaving me to bob my phone back in to my pocket and having to brave the uncouthness of the urinal trough. Oh my. And guess who walked in? That's right my bearded and sardonically witted chum with all the smart assed remarks. Personally I think nothing messes up the waiter/guest relationship more than the sighting of each others pee pees.

Just as he approached the light that had been flickering finally snuffed itself out. With only the light from yonder window breaking I'm not sure he realised it was me that was in the bathroom with him. So I seized upon this opportunity for revenge. All those nasty comments had bothered me and it's rare that a waiter is presented with such an obvious opportunity to get their own back.

"Oh what a big cock!", I remarked in the direction of his teeny weeny.

Well I thought he would appreciate some dark sarcasm in the bathroom.....

26 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ninetyninewords said...

"There's something stuck in your beard."
"Is there? What?"
"A twat."

Manuel said...

99 words: boom boom.....

sassysundry said...

Hey! Waiter! Leave my willy alone!

I've had it with things Baby Boomerish. They've had their sixty years in the sun. Time to go fuck off into that good night. I hate it!

Sorry for the violent respsonse. I've just had enough of the 60s and 70s.

Manuel said...

oh Sassy I am so with you on that....

Medbh said...

Can I join the So Over the 60s Club, please?

Manuel said...

medbh: yes....yes you can.....

sugarpie said...

Here's my club dues, too. If you include the 80s (just for the hair, if nothing else), I'll pay double the going rate.

daisyfae said...

*snort* was expecting you to nail him on the dessert order... demanding he finish his lamb before you'd bring the pudding. didn't see the bathroom snipe lurking! brilliant!

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

I just never got into Pink Floyd.I guess if I did I would have a beard and it be full of food half the time and I'd be carrying a poor attitude around with me treating waiters like shit.

The Mutant said...

Wait a minute Pink Floyd have done some marvelous stuff, like that - oh no, wait that wasn't them.

What about the song they did where... Hang on a minute, that was someone else too.

Now I know what Pink Floyd did that so so marvelous - they shut the fuck up. I'm so with you Manuel, but seriously, going for a urinal jibe is some seriously spectacular work! Well done.

The Hangar Queen said...

Comfortably numb.....nuts.

I fucking hate PF.
I thought I was the only one.
*sniff*

Penelope_CA said...

The movie is crap but then again I never liked "rock movies" like The Song Remians the Same or Tommy.

That said when I saw Pink Floyd perform The Wall in concert in LA and it blew my mind with it's theatricality and sound. They literally built a wall on stage during the first half and destroyed it at the end. Toss in giant balloon figures and animated clips shown on the wall and after 30 years and many concerts later it's still in my top 5 shows of all time.

and no... I do NOT own a pair of brikensotcks!

Penelope_CA said...

apologies for the typos... it's well past midnight here in SoCal and I'm a bit tired.

White Rabbit said...

I'm not hugely into Pink Floyd because I don't like that I need to concentrate on their music to enjoy it so...*hops on hating Pink Floyd bandwagon*

Those fellas sound horrible. Were the tribute playing in the Ulster Hall? I saw a lot of hairy older men last night come to think of it ...

rubbishknitter said...

awesome post... i proper laughed at that.

*dons flameproof coat*
Actually I quite like Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd. C'mon... See Emily Play... gotta love it! Er... or not, evidently :)

But you're right, there is absolutely no excuse for the later stuff, and especially the hideous self-indulgence of the Wall. And even I wouldn't wear handknitwear to a gig. Mostly cos i wouldn't want it to get covered in puke and red stripe :P

carine said...

Ditto to rubbishknitter.... See Emily Play is a corker. You keep all the lightshowy Wall nonsense - even worse, Momentary Lapse of Reason - though x

Conan Drumm said...

I think if he'd seen you he'd have replied, "Wish you were queer?"

The ghost of Syd Barrett (or Red Leeroy) is going to get you for this. In the meantime, shine on you crazy diamond.

And one last one... what does a Floyd fan eating his maincourse say?

"Ummahhgummahh"

Flann O'Coonassa said...

Little known fact about Dave Gilmore: he dines exclusively on the rigid, chewy flesh of the dead, and washes it down with a name-brand cola.

I must say, I like The Floyd. I like The Floyd because I feel I can call them 'The Floyd', as opposed to 'Pink Floyd', and thereby elevating myself as a hardcore fan, above the blow-ins and the regular fans.

This makes me feel good about myself, and mitigates against prominent shortcomings, such as my inability to achieve a lasting erection.

Belfast Barista said...

Aww c'mon Manuel! Leave off! You're doing the same thing you did w the Real Ale drinkers here! Okay so those guys were a big bunch of walking cliches and twats to boot, but plenty of folks like the Floyd who arent!
Me for example! I'm a girl for one, so no beards and jumpers :P And I'm not describing my appearance or I lose my anonymity :P But no beards, tweed, egg yolk on the lapels, or corduroy :P Am I in the clear or am I now the Floydian Enemy? hehe!

Leo said...

I cannot stand Pink Floyd either!! I thought I was the only (sane) one - everyone else seems to be head over heels for them

Stephan said...

Best post ever! Everyone in high school freaking swore "The Wall" was just the be-all end-all in modern cinema....when it was, in fact, total shit. Thank God someone else sees it.

Boxer said...

The first time I ever smoked a joint, Pink Floyd was playing. It's burned into my memory and I wish.... it wasn't.

Old Knudsen said...

Yes I must agree with the whole Pink Floyd assessment, you have finally said something right. Like the instrumental in the Doors Light my fire.
Ok we get it yer stoned now sing something we can sing along to and cut out the banjo music.

Pink Floyd were even worse after Freddie Mercury died.

Native Minnow said...

"I think nothing messes up the waiter/guest relationship more than the sighting of each others pee pees."

I'd say the same goes for just about any relationship between men. Gay or straight.

Musical Snobbery Is Never A Good Thing said...

Hey! I like Pink Floyd - and indeed attended the amazing Australian Pink Floyd Show - but am neither old, dull, a hippy, an audiophile, nor the owner of facial hair. Indeed I saw nobody that remotely resembled this trite stereotype at the Odyssey. I *do* own Sennheiser headphones, but they were 11 quid off Amazon.

Dave said...

Shocking Manuel, shocking!
Ok, I'll agree that The Wall was a bit poo, but I happen to like their earlier stuff, and I don't have facial hair.

Besides, on that particular night, it was a toss up on what to go and see...Aussie Pink Floyd, or Saxon at Mandela hall.

I chose the 80's rockers.