Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Budge up Salman

Ah Jaysus lads, they're kidnapping waiters now.

From the BBC...

Man kidnapped in Ukraine released

A London waiter kidnapped in Ukraine has been released after his family paid a ransom of £10,800.

Eren Parker, 25, from Penge, south London, went missing while on holiday in southern city Odessa on 9 April.

His cousin, Erol Kesen, said Mr Parker was kidnapped by a gang who stunned him with a Taser gun and bundled him into a van after he had left a casino.

He returned home on Friday suffering from shock, cuts and bruises after his family paid a ransom, Mr Kesen said.

Believed 'rich'

He said Mr Parker was initially held in a garage then taken to a flat in the city.

The gang originally demanded $60,000 (£41,360) to release Mr Parker but agreed to hand him over in exchange for a smaller amount.

Mr Kesen said: "I was told the average wage in that country is $100 a month so I guess they thought he was rich because he was a Westerner and had been in the casino."

A Foreign Office spokeswoman said: "We were informed on 16 April that Mr Parker is safe and well."

Oh my! Be safe in the knowledge that Manuel has been moved to the same secret location where that insufferable bore Salman Rushdie was kept after the release of the Satanic Verses. Little Miss Manuel insists that neither she nor The Cousin will, on principal, negotiate with terrorists and that they are welcome to keep me as long as they want.

Charming.

But there's no point to kidnapping a waiter unless you really want a collection of random pens, corks, battered black shoes and their penny stash. Because that's all they have. And lets be honest waiters would make for pretty difficult kidnap victims. They would enjoy the rest, sitting doing nothing appeals to them and there are very few things you can threaten them with that they don't hear from both chefs and guests alike on your average Saturday night.

Plus they would ask for a percentage of the ransom....a Manuel's Ransom
eh 20% of that's mine if you don't mind Mr Kidnapper man....

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

MJ said...

It's not such a secret location if you're using your iPhone!

Manuel said...

mj: shhhhhh

wendy said...

heh.. MJ has your number in more ways than one.

Manuel said...

wendy: don't encourage her.....!

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

That was hilarious! I think they are coming your way so take care! They are especially looking for bloggers who have won countless awards and are followed by media everywhere they go.They think you have a stash so make a run for it.Now!

Manuel said...

steve: that wont be me then.....arf!

belfast Plate Carrier said...

Have you heard about Salman Rushdie's new book? It's called Buddah is a fat bastard.

ninetyninewords said...

I could do with a black pen.

Totally unrelated question...how many people do you think it would take to lift you into a van? Hypothetically.

Manuel said...

bpc: arf arf arf....

99 words: you don't need anybody..just leave a trail of black pudding leading into the back of a ford transit and I'm all yours....but be warned I'm still farting like a hippo....

daisyfae said...

$100/month? shit. why am i living in the US? i could sell my posessions and live like a king there... how's the vodka?

(thanks for a much needed laugh today - first of the day at nearly 8pm)

Manuel said...

daisyfae: tough day? oh my....

ellie said...

Ditch The Cousin for your own safety, cousins are the common link in the story.

Medbh said...

Worst vacation ever.

Manuel said...

ellie: aha! so it is.....he has been looking shifty of late

medbh: hahaha no question.....

Native Minnow said...

What is the appropriate percentage of the ransom? Does it depend on the level of torture and other conditions under which the hostage is kept?

Irish Begrudger said...

Typical kickback to a kidnapped waiter is in the region of 10%. It is also considered good etiquette to not chop off any of their digits for mailing to the family, as such butchery severely impacts upon the waiter's ability to continue their chosen profession.

Awkwardness ensues when, in the future, you inevitably find yourself being served by a waiter you once kidnapped and ransomed. In those situations, it's best to just upend your table (as a diversion), and sprint from the restaurant screaming.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Taser... suffering fae shock... such dry humour.

Don't stop.

Conan Drumm said...

The kidnappers were chefs, weren't they?

Manuel said...

minnow: 20%, always 20%.....I sometimes think its the only number we know....

Irish Begrudger: actually that's the standard, "you brought me a dirty spoon" reaction.....!

jimmy: I need a favour from you....will be in contact

conan: no.....too smart to be chefs.....arf!

Rosie said...

didn't Rushdie hide out in Bono's shed?

Manuel said...

rosie: did he? what? I sort of believe you....i need more sleep.....

Jimmy Bastard said...

Ahhh feck, is it the bail I'm after paying for you again?

If you will drink in the Crown with all those bad people...

Rosie said...

my bad. the Edge says that he just stayed over at weekends.

mago said...

Waiters are on 10 %, equal to the security assistant who has the key. Don't forget that, can be uncomfortable in an unheated smelly oily garage cement floor hole ...

savannah said...

well, sugar, i'd chip in on the ransom! ;) xoxoxo

sassysundry said...

The story of your kidnapping would make for an entertaining TV special.

Boxer said...

if you ever get kidnapped, text me.

We'll take up a collection and spring you.

Old Knudsen said...

I told people I was from the UK and they thought it was Ukraine.

Manuel said...

jimmy: crown? crown my hole...terrible bar...email you shortly

rosie: and larry mullan said nothing?

mago: yeah yeah....ever worked a 16 hr shift on black friday with a hangover? it feels much the same

savannah: awh....that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said

sassy: oooh I could do it!

boxer: thanks.....! i think

old k: but I htought you were from belfast? and that's in ireland heh