Manuel doesn't do jokes......anymore.

I don't tell a lot of jokes, I'm not very good at telling jokes. I get all tongue twisted, confused and if I am being honest a little frightened too. I make a mess of it every time and not just by giving away the punch line at the start.

You know how it goes - a small group gathers round to be amused and chortle at my cheerful monkeyshine but as they fall silent my tongue swells, my face goes red and I end up insulting the women and fending off threats of violence from the chaps. I wouldn't mind but it was just a simple little witticism about Gordon Brown, a monkey and Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant but somehow I managed to mention Josef Fritzl, the late Jade Goody and the never ever funny subject of euthanasia.

it's a whisky business

On the soul of the great Emo Phillips I have committed never to make people laugh again, a vow Emo himself took just before he started in comedy.

I just cant tell jokes, but not that I let that stop me......

It was Thursday night and I was in peppy and playful form. All my tables were finished or nearly finished and being pay day I was dandering about the restaurant with the swagger of a Texan billionaire. This swagger made me more confident than I really should have been. I was chatting with the guests as I wandered and giving it a bit of the old, "How you doing tonight?" sort of palaver complete with cheesy winks and flirtatious salutes.

I happened upon one of my more regular tables, three older women and their male work colleague. Good people if a little dull. Nowt wrong with being a little dull in fact we could all benefit from a little dullness from time to time. Anyway I sidled up beside them and had a quick chat with them about life and work and the crunchiness of their credit and all that jazz. We were laughing away at this that and nothing so I thought I would throw a little joke into the mix.

I never learn, really, I never do.

"So did you hear about Jonathan Ross?", I asked whilst trying not to laugh. For those of you who don't know Mr Ross is a British chat show host who cannot pronounce his "R's". It's important that you know this.

"No, what's thon fella been up 'til now?", replies Maggie with a disparaging look in her eyes. I don't know if she is called Maggie or not but she looks a touch like our late Prime Minister Mrs Thatcher. Is she late? I mean has she actually died yet? Is it wrong to say, I hope so? I really do, as I did not care for her or her nasty politics. Did not care for her at all, frightful woman.

"He's been caught shoplifting! Eh what ya think of that?", says I all gossipy and dramatic.

"Shapliftin? Him? Shapliftin? On his wages? Well that there is a disgrace so it is" says Maggies wee mate.

"That's right shoplifting....in Debenhams no less."

"Debenhams? I shap in Debenhams...", says Maggie clasping her bag closer to her chest just in case Jonathan Ross tried to make a move on it, "I was there the other day Shirley, for thon blue cross sale. Got some new tarls [towels] for the bathroom"

I was thinking that I may not have to ruin this joke all on my own as Maggie was doing it for me with her mid joke chit chat with Shirley.

"Aye..", says I trying to regain hold of my joke "....he was caught shoplifting and they arrested in the kitchen section"

They looked up at me with shocked faces that I was sure would crack with laughter when I confidently delivered the punch line....

"He said it was worth the whisk!" I stood back beaming from ear to ear and waited for the laughter to come.

The laughter did not come.

"He stole a whisk? Sake and him on those wages....it's just tarrible so it is." I agreed that it was indeed terrible and slowly backed away vowing never ever to tell a joke again in my life. The problem was that I was too far down the line to tell them it was a joke. I would have made them feel bad and that had not been my intention at all. So I just let them think that one of Britain's most loved and highly paid celebrities was a seedy little shoplifter. Sorry about that Mr Ross.

Well what was I to do? And for the record the joke is funny, just don't have me tell it to you.