Sunday, 8 February 2009

Thankfully I go back to work today...

The Cousin and I were killing the torturous and seemingly interminable moments whilst the kettle boiled with frivolous chatter. This took the form mainly of stating the bloody obvious.

"Cold again today"

"Yup"

"Cold again tomorrow"

"Yup"

[Long pause]

"Evenings are getting longer?"

"Yup"

After a slightly less long pause things became almost raucous when the vexed and curly headed issue of Jeremy Clarkson came up.

"That Jeremy Clarkson eh....huh....."

"Totally......huh.....sake....I mean what's the point.......I mean of Clarkson?"

"Yeah......Clarkson, what is the point?"

We don't like Clarkson as evidenced by this particularly bombastic diatribe. And on and on went the chit chatting for what seemed like 37 years but was in fact about 3 or 4 minutes.

Pop went the kettle in the kitchen. This illuminated our little hairy faces (forgive me father it's been five days since my last shave) and we bounded to the kitchen with all the gusto of two very bored boys who just found a big bag of unguarded power tools. Except it was some rather mundane everyday tea and not a big bag of Black and Decker drills that had made us jump so enthusiastically. Personally I don't ever envisage the day when I will jump with enthusiasm like a giddy seal with a ball and the promise of a bucket of sardines at the sight of a shiny new power tool, a new set of cutlery maybe, but power tools not so likely.

Tea wet and late afternoon bacon sandwiches scoffed we found ourselves back were we didn't want to be, chit and indeed chatting about nothing and everything. I fear for our sanity if we don't secure the never ending and blind love of a suitable dog soon. A suitable dog, like good love it appears, is hard to find these days.

The Cousin returned to flicking through the newspaper whilst I engaged the TV's remote control in an imaginary game of tennis.

Ugh.....

"Have you....eh....secured Little Miss Manuel's St Valentines day present yet?", asked The Cousin without removing his gaze from the newspaper. This was odd as he doesn't tend to involve himself in such affairs. I was nervous, was he about to recommend something from the paper? How frightful. Heh, I could just see LMM's look of devastation/disgust when I told her I got it from the back of The Daily Mirror.

"No, I haven't really thought about it yet. Why?" I asked nervously.

"Well you may wanna check this bad boy out. Set your mince pies (The Cousin watches way too much Eastenders) to stun for I have the very gift for her". He was quite animated now. So much so in fact that as a precaution I took note of my nearest exit, should I need to make a break for it. The last time he got this ebullient he ended up explaining himself to a judge.

"What are you on about?" I was enjoying my imaginary game of couch tennis with the remote control.

"Here.....", and he handed me the newspaper.

Well readers all I can say is that I was shocked to my very core and having worked in a Pizza Hut for numerous years I don't shock easy. It was so hideously tacky and all round offensive that it made Adam Sandler seem positively acceptable. I did a sick in my mouth, mainly at the thought of Adam Sandler in that movie, fuck it any movie (except Punch Drunk Love) and went to reach the paper back to The Cousin who by this point was rolling round on his couch. His hysterical reaction to my shock was alarming. I felt I should dial 99 on my phone and hover my thumb over the 9 key just in case as quite frankly he was scaring me.

But I couldn't give the paper back. This was car crash giftery. In the end I could no longer hold back the laughter either and in a jiffy we were both laughing so hard that the room went silent for the briefest of moments. And what I hear you ask was the cause of this delirium?

Dear sweet readers I give you Dawn's Bright Herald....in the form of a fleece, obviously.

their words not mine
obviously....

It has a picture of a Robin embroidered on the front and back. It is simply awe-fucking-some. If we don't get a dog soon to distract us from this sort of thing I think LMM will arrive round one day to find The Cousin and I expired to the point of death with laughter dressed in matching garish fleeces.

Seriously.....

15 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

The cousin said...

Just think if the fleeces are on offer we could get one each for LMM and us and we could walk the dog down tates avenue wearing them.

Though it would need to be some fucking dog to protect us from the beating we'd get.

Crispy said...

MArvelous, absolutely marvelous!!

Manuel said...

the cousin: hahahahahahahaha......or we could get some with wolves on them......mint!

crispy: oh you should have been there.......

savannah said...

sugar, i am sooooooo glad ya'l are going back to work! i dare say, if left alone all ya'll just might buy some that hideous or worse as a joke! xoxoxo

(i am so loving the dear cousin's sense of humor!)

Manuel said...

savannah: no, no don't encourage him.....

The Sexy Pedestrian said...

I quite like the bird fleece, actually. They could have made it better by putting birds all over it, obviously, but the large one near the collar will do for now.

MJ said...

The look isn’t complete without a baby monkey to go with it…from the same company.

Sassy Sundry said...

That scares me. What scares me even more is that my Auntie J would love, love, love it.

Medbh said...

If I were LMM, I'd smack both of you for even joking about getting me that eyesore.

Michelle said...

The Bradford Group MUST be stopped! Horrible!

And MJ, that Monkey! Make it stop! Make it stop! I can't take it!

Bock the Robber said...

Fuck. I didn't realise it was a robin. It looks like a gunshot wound.

Anto said...

No way, that top almost rivals the famed "Wolf Shirt" for sheer awesomeness.

http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm

If you haven't seen this read the comments!

Manuel said...

anto hahahahahahaha su fucking perb....

this is my favourite ...

"My ma wouldn't let me alone when I got this shirt, she kicked pa out of the trailer and my sister keeps grabbing my manhood. Thanks wolf shirt!"

tremendous find.....but why were you there? seriously

Native Minnow said...

Fuck Valentine's Day. I don't think I've ever had a good one. At least not since I've been old enough to know what it's all about. That's not an exaggeration.

Also, Adam Sandler was pretty good in 'Rain On Me' too.

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