Roses are red, violets are blue, my name is Manuel and I'll serve you. So for god's sake smile...

St Valentines day eh, oh how I detest thee. Not the day itself you understand or the whole point of it, I'm all for a bit of organised love and lets be honest the Post Office could do with the work. But it really suits my part fascist part waiter makeup. I love getting a sweetly written card from LMM and I love sending her one with soppy sentiments and a packet of Love Hearts. This year it will be the lyrics of a Camera Obscura track amongst other affections. Couldn't you just lick me all up? But I do loathe working on St Valentine's day. You will never find me up a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G St. Valentine or more importantly St. Valentine's day diners. Manuel has no love for these people.

And not just because of their parsimonious attitudes either. Worst tipping day ever.

not even the candy love hearts have anything to say on St. Valentines...

Of all the major events that happen throughout the year, St Patrick's Day, Easter, Mothers Day/Fathers Day, all the bank holidays, the month long celebration of Jebus's birthday and what have you St. Val's is the very worst to work.

The atmosphere is terrible, seriously the tension is palpable and that's despite the best efforts of me and all the waiter chums. The restaurant is usually festooned with candles and bunches of roses, from Tesco's hee hee hee, and the lights are dimmed a little lower than normal. Even the never ending pain in the hole/ear the music system, (it took to playing the bloody Wolfetones during service last night) plays it's part well with lots of smooth sounding Lionel Richie, Sinatra, Tony Bennett et al. Honestly the place looks and sounds superb.

But why bother? No one cares. No one acknowledges all the work and effort that us waiters and chums of waiters put in to making this the most loving dinner of their sad little lives. They just sit there, moping and texting banal messages to the person they would rather be with. It's oh so unpleasant and quite frankly rude. I'm not looking for proposals and I'm certainly not advocating cross table sexy sexy time with bodily fluids and tongues a go go but come on people try and look as if you are having a swell and jolly time, if not for yourselves then for us waiters.

Within an hour of opening the place is filled with morose and begrudging couples unhappy at having to forsake a night in the house or fun times out with their chums. It's not so bad if they both feel that way but when one of them is glummer than a puppy in a rescue centre and the other is over compensating like a waiter who has forgotten to ring up your order (occasionally happens. I couldn't possibly comment). That is the worst situation of all and more often than not is what happens with most tables.

Wonder how many couples split up on or after St. Valentine's day? Gotta be a lot.

Still it ain't all bad some people propose on St. Valentines day, in a restaurant, with the help of the waiter. It's a lovely idea in theory, it really is. You will have booked the best table in the best restaurant. You will have your little routine prepared - ring in the champers or hidden under the blancmange. You have gone over and over with the waiter what his role in the whole ghastly ordeal is and then you do it. And sometimes the object of your desire says yes and sometimes they say no. And lets be honest that ain't gonna be a pretty situation now is it?

So if you are considering proposing to your special chum this St Valentines night my advice is don't do it in the restaurant. I say this because if you have told one waiter what your plan is then rest assured that all the other waiters know, and the chefs, and the managers, and quite probably every other punter in the place. So whilst you are sitting there, alone, trying to figure out where it all went wrong and exactly what you are going to do with a year's salary worth of solitaire diamond you can bet your ass the rest of the restaurant will be watching you and wondering why they said no. Oh how they will judge you.

St. Valentines eh, nothing but a lot of heartache, especially for waiters and chums of waiters. And if you don't get a card on Saturday morning remember that your waiter loves you, sort of.