Subscribe...

Monday 23 February 2009

Reader, I was that jovial and handsome man...

Picture the scene....


It was about half five maybe quarter to six on Saturday evening. All the Waiter Chums and Chums of Waiters were pacing like caged tigers waiting for the Christians to be thrown into the colosseum. Or in this case fans of tragic and overblown pish band, The Killers ("I've got soul but I'm not a soldier?" Gimme a fucking break! I've got milk but I'm not a milkman.) We were kicking off slightly earlier than usual and the restaurant was full save for one table of two which had just come free due to a last minute cancellation.

only to be used by competent adults...

The phone was ring a ding dinging, such is it's want.

Enter a jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is.

"Hello Manuel speaking, How can I make your dreams come true?", or words to that effect.

"Eh hello...", it was a mans voice and he sounded under pressure, "...listen I know this is unlikely but is there any chance of getting a table for two in about a half hour?"

"Lets me see sir", replied the jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is. I knew there was a table free, hell I know if their is a dot out of place on the booking sheets. But it's important to keep the guest waiting and frustrate them for a moment. Life is dull and one must take joy were one can find it.

So after a minute or so of doodling on a napkin the jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is said, "Ah yes sir I would have a table for two in about a half hour no problem but I would need it back for about 8pm. Would that be okay for you?"

"Awh dude that is just brilliant", replied the man on the other end of the phone with much relief. I could feel the pressure drop from him as his voiced changed from one of, "my balls are in a vice, man, they are so in a vice" to one of "tra la la la life is good I'm going for dinner and my balls are no longer in a vice, man"

Waiters eh, spreading joy like jam on your early morning toast and getting balls out of vices. Wonderful people.

The jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is took the guest's details and joined back with his Waiter Chums and Chums of Waiters in the pacing of the restaurant floor.

The phone was ring a ding dinging, again, such is it's want.

Enter the same jovial and handsome man again as before, if you squint and suspend belief that is.

"Hello Manuel speaking, How can I make your dreams come true?", or words to that effect.

"Yeah is that Manuel?", asked the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes this is Manuel, how can I make your dreams come true?", said with sincerity. No really!

"Yeah I was on a moment ago and booked a table for two", his balls appeared to be back in a vice as he sounded like he was under pressure again.

"Ah yes sir, and how can I help?"

"Yeah, tell you what it is..."

I do like it when people tell me how it is.

"...how come you have a table free on a Saturday night? I mean that's a bit odd isn't it? On a Saturday night? That cant be a good sign......doesn't say much for your restaurant now does it?"

And with that the jovial and handsome man from before disappeared, instead his face contorted with rage and his voice became mean.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah I tell you what it is, I've got a booking in another restaurant and I'm gonna take it. I don't wanna take a chance on an unpopular restaurant on Saturday night."

"So you're canceling then?"

"Yeah...."

The once jovial waiter managed to cut him off him before he started his bonkers tirade of bonkersness all over again.

"Okay you have a great night now, ba bye", sarcasm dripped from every word. The jovial and handsome man was impressed with himself for not kicking off in a Christian Bale stylie, as he known to do.

The once jovial but still rather handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief, was confused and it has to be said a little hurt by the assertions of the clearly mental chap on the phone. If he had secured another booking in another restaurant at such short notice surely that meant it had free tables on a Saturday night and what have you. It was all so so baffling.

I do hope he got food poisoning and spent the weekend expelling his own body weight in shit, pish and vomit all over his bathroom suite and his bedroom too. One can only be jovial for so long.

It was all so frightfully perplexing.......

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Anonymous said...

Look, I was bored, big fucking deal. You were the only one I knew wasn't at the fucking blog awards.

Manuel said...

99 words: hahahaha....but weird eh?

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a piss-take.

Manuel said...

99 words: nah he had the anger of a real punter....

Clever Idea Widgetry said...

Sounds like a radio-show gag. Either that or a crazy about to bring on the firepower. One or the other.

Manuel said...

Crisatunity the latter...definitely the latter...

Jenny said...

his wife made him do it. I just bet.

Anonymous said...

What an asshole.Probably a reservomaniaphobiac. One who makes a reservation and then cancels it shortly thereafter after securing another to replace it. It can go on incessantly for months at a time until the person has exhausted all restaurants. Then they move to the next town. Rare disease this is.

savannah said...

just thank goodness ya'll were spared his contenance, sugar...xoxo

Barlinnie said...

See me right? I keep a wee post-it note of the numbers from these bedroom warriors.
I usually find 4am is the best time to call and discuss the matters at hand.

...anonymously of course.

Old Knudsen said...

Maybe the other waiter he called had a better banter, something like 'oh we just had a cancellation' or pretended to sound harassed. I know the wino weemen on Botanic fall for yer chat up lines but maybe you should work on them with sober people.

See you didn't get an Oscar, Ha! in yer face.

Manuel said...

boxer: well not for me to say......

steve: bwahahahahaha brilliant.......hahahaa

savannah: yes, thankful for small blessings.....

Jimmy Bastard: post it note? I have a telephone book and just dial at random.....I hate everyone.....

old k: heh.....your words will act as a spur......cunty old bollocks.....

Red Leeroy said...

see you scan the room for mad bastards on mobile phones?

Manuel said...

red: jesus, never thought......

Sassy Sundry said...

What a fuckhead. That's all I have to say on that subject.

Manuel said...

sassy: Oh I concur completely

The Mistress said...

You can make my dreams come true by nekkid wrestling with Old Knudsen.

Anonymous said...

There's just no pleasing some folks. Did he want to jump through hoops and pass a special test in order to get in, like some brave knight after the grail? Numpty.

fmcgmccllc said...

As a good woman from the south the only appropriate reason to cancel is that your wife just died.

Manuel said...

mj: oooh that's making me ill.....

jen: numpty.....? a lovely word that I really must use more often...

fmcgmccllc: ha!

Mike the Waiter said...

Manuel,
Jovial and handsome, perhaps not...I just got new glasses.... however, clever and witty and a master of words, YOU ARE!
mTw

Anonymous said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,