Monday, 23 February 2009

Reader, I was that jovial and handsome man...

Picture the scene....


It was about half five maybe quarter to six on Saturday evening. All the Waiter Chums and Chums of Waiters were pacing like caged tigers waiting for the Christians to be thrown into the colosseum. Or in this case fans of tragic and overblown pish band, The Killers ("I've got soul but I'm not a soldier?" Gimme a fucking break! I've got milk but I'm not a milkman.) We were kicking off slightly earlier than usual and the restaurant was full save for one table of two which had just come free due to a last minute cancellation.

only to be used by competent adults...

The phone was ring a ding dinging, such is it's want.

Enter a jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is.

"Hello Manuel speaking, How can I make your dreams come true?", or words to that effect.

"Eh hello...", it was a mans voice and he sounded under pressure, "...listen I know this is unlikely but is there any chance of getting a table for two in about a half hour?"

"Lets me see sir", replied the jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is. I knew there was a table free, hell I know if their is a dot out of place on the booking sheets. But it's important to keep the guest waiting and frustrate them for a moment. Life is dull and one must take joy were one can find it.

So after a minute or so of doodling on a napkin the jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is said, "Ah yes sir I would have a table for two in about a half hour no problem but I would need it back for about 8pm. Would that be okay for you?"

"Awh dude that is just brilliant", replied the man on the other end of the phone with much relief. I could feel the pressure drop from him as his voiced changed from one of, "my balls are in a vice, man, they are so in a vice" to one of "tra la la la life is good I'm going for dinner and my balls are no longer in a vice, man"

Waiters eh, spreading joy like jam on your early morning toast and getting balls out of vices. Wonderful people.

The jovial and handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief that is took the guest's details and joined back with his Waiter Chums and Chums of Waiters in the pacing of the restaurant floor.

The phone was ring a ding dinging, again, such is it's want.

Enter the same jovial and handsome man again as before, if you squint and suspend belief that is.

"Hello Manuel speaking, How can I make your dreams come true?", or words to that effect.

"Yeah is that Manuel?", asked the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes this is Manuel, how can I make your dreams come true?", said with sincerity. No really!

"Yeah I was on a moment ago and booked a table for two", his balls appeared to be back in a vice as he sounded like he was under pressure again.

"Ah yes sir, and how can I help?"

"Yeah, tell you what it is..."

I do like it when people tell me how it is.

"...how come you have a table free on a Saturday night? I mean that's a bit odd isn't it? On a Saturday night? That cant be a good sign......doesn't say much for your restaurant now does it?"

And with that the jovial and handsome man from before disappeared, instead his face contorted with rage and his voice became mean.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah I tell you what it is, I've got a booking in another restaurant and I'm gonna take it. I don't wanna take a chance on an unpopular restaurant on Saturday night."

"So you're canceling then?"

"Yeah...."

The once jovial waiter managed to cut him off him before he started his bonkers tirade of bonkersness all over again.

"Okay you have a great night now, ba bye", sarcasm dripped from every word. The jovial and handsome man was impressed with himself for not kicking off in a Christian Bale stylie, as he known to do.

The once jovial but still rather handsome man, if you squint and suspend belief, was confused and it has to be said a little hurt by the assertions of the clearly mental chap on the phone. If he had secured another booking in another restaurant at such short notice surely that meant it had free tables on a Saturday night and what have you. It was all so so baffling.

I do hope he got food poisoning and spent the weekend expelling his own body weight in shit, pish and vomit all over his bathroom suite and his bedroom too. One can only be jovial for so long.

It was all so frightfully perplexing.......

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ninetyninewords said...

Look, I was bored, big fucking deal. You were the only one I knew wasn't at the fucking blog awards.

Manuel said...

99 words: hahahaha....but weird eh?

ninetyninewords said...

Sounds like a piss-take.

Manuel said...

99 words: nah he had the anger of a real punter....

Crisatunity said...

Sounds like a radio-show gag. Either that or a crazy about to bring on the firepower. One or the other.

Manuel said...

Crisatunity the latter...definitely the latter...

Boxer said...

his wife made him do it. I just bet.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

What an asshole.Probably a reservomaniaphobiac. One who makes a reservation and then cancels it shortly thereafter after securing another to replace it. It can go on incessantly for months at a time until the person has exhausted all restaurants. Then they move to the next town. Rare disease this is.

savannah said...

just thank goodness ya'll were spared his contenance, sugar...xoxo

Jimmy Bastard said...

See me right? I keep a wee post-it note of the numbers from these bedroom warriors.
I usually find 4am is the best time to call and discuss the matters at hand.

...anonymously of course.

Old Knudsen said...

Maybe the other waiter he called had a better banter, something like 'oh we just had a cancellation' or pretended to sound harassed. I know the wino weemen on Botanic fall for yer chat up lines but maybe you should work on them with sober people.

See you didn't get an Oscar, Ha! in yer face.

Manuel said...

boxer: well not for me to say......

steve: bwahahahahaha brilliant.......hahahaa

savannah: yes, thankful for small blessings.....

Jimmy Bastard: post it note? I have a telephone book and just dial at random.....I hate everyone.....

old k: heh.....your words will act as a spur......cunty old bollocks.....

Red Leeroy said...

see you scan the room for mad bastards on mobile phones?

Manuel said...

red: jesus, never thought......

Sassy Sundry said...

What a fuckhead. That's all I have to say on that subject.

Manuel said...

sassy: Oh I concur completely

MJ said...

You can make my dreams come true by nekkid wrestling with Old Knudsen.

jen said...

There's just no pleasing some folks. Did he want to jump through hoops and pass a special test in order to get in, like some brave knight after the grail? Numpty.

fmcgmccllc said...

As a good woman from the south the only appropriate reason to cancel is that your wife just died.

Manuel said...

mj: oooh that's making me ill.....

jen: numpty.....? a lovely word that I really must use more often...

fmcgmccllc: ha!

Mike the Waiter said...

Manuel,
Jovial and handsome, perhaps not...I just got new glasses.... however, clever and witty and a master of words, YOU ARE!
mTw

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