Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Cry me a River......you massive douche.....

So Justin Trousersnake (although Britney claimed otherwise) has been screwing the crew, not literally of course. Mr Tiddlerdick cheated his restaurant staff out of their tips and failed to pay overtime at his Southern Hospitality BBQ restaurant in Manhattan, allegedly. Including the word allegedly means he cant sue me right? Southern Hospitality eh? If that's his idea of hospitality then I would hate to be on the end of his hostility.

Any hoo a waiter, Felipe Ramales, has decided that enough is enough and has filed a lawsuit on behalf of fifty of his work chums to reclaim the allegedly misappropriated money. Justified? Probably. Cry me a River Justin you massive douche. Huzzah for Mr Ramales, I hope he and his fifty waiter chums get all that is owed to them and more again on top of that.

little man syndrome can lead to
massive douche syndrome if indulged...


Talking of massive douches I had this chap in on Sunday evening who was indeed a massive douche, a massive douche and then some.

"Mr Waiter", called la douche grande. Mr Waiter? What am I, a Roger Hargreaves character? Did I mention that this guy was a massive douche?

"Mmmmmm Yeeeeees sir?" I gave him a nice long drawn out yes so as to indicate my dissatisfaction at being called Mr Waiter.

"Mr Waiter..." that worked well then "....Mr Waiter I wish to move tables."

"Again sir?" He had already moved from his original due to the light above it, "blinding" him.

"Yes waiter, this table affords me no view. I wish to have a view."

You can have a view of my boot up your ass in a minute matey. The pomposity with which he spoke was outstanding, especially for a little fella. He wasn't a dwarf but he was a very small man. He also spoke with a big booming, Brian Blessed-esque, voice. To be honest it sounded forced and I was sure that at any moment he would fail to maintain it and end up squeaking like a jockey.

"A view sir, maybe we could try the first table again. It had a lovely view." I suggested with a large snifter of my own pomposity added for good measure. I am no stranger to the world of little man pompousness having suffered under it for years until I met LMM who cured me of my pomposity if not my littleness.

"Yes but it did have the light problem though didn't it?" I was trying not to smirk as he stared up at me with his little small mans face all contorted and serious as if we were discussing the impending death of a loved one or something.

"Yes indeed sir, the light problem. What to do though, it really is a pickler." I was laying it on thicker than jam on a sandwich in my house after a night on the hooch.

"Yes, it is a pickler."

"
Indubitably sir." I see it as my life's goal to get the word indubitably used at least once a day. It is such a fantastic word to say if a little ostentatious.

"You want a seat with a view and I have a seat with a view for you but the [cough] blinding light problem prevents you from availing of said seat with a view. What. A. Pickler Sir." I was now speaking in such a grandiose level that I wasn't sure if he got the fact that I was taking the piss.

"Can anything be done about the blinding light? Maybe it can be dimmed or the light from it be reduced to such a level where it no longer becomes blinding? Do you have the capabilities or indeed the equipment to allow for such a thing Mr Waiter?" He was chin stroking now. Chin stroking is indeed one of the tell tale signs of pomposity or as it's more commonly referred to as being a massive douche.

"Alas sir, I, that is to say we, are unable to dim that light."

"My, that is disappointing."

"Indubitably sir", replies I.

"Indubitably Mr Waiter", agrees Little Man.

We both paused for a moment to consider our positions. It was quiet enough so I had time to indulge the whims of a small man with a massive douche syndrome. His brow was furrowed and his face was the very picture of both concentration and consternation. He eventually piped up with,

"Maybe we could just remove the light bulb from the light fitting whilst I am seated at that table."

I was now bored with my new plaything and wanted to get away from him. His suggestions were becoming ridiculous. So it was time to bring the whole mess to an end.

"No sir we cannot remove the light bulb from the light fitting."

"Well what can we do?"

I was so sorely tempted to answer that with, "We, as in you, could pick a seat, any fucking seat, and order dinner and maybe just maybe we could not let the blinding light and the lack of a view ruin the night/the rest of our lives. What say you Little Man?" But I didn't, obviously. I just shrugged my shoulders as if to say I no longer cared. He made one more plea to have the light bulb removed to which I replied,

"Sir, there is a light that never goes out, and that's it."

He stayed where he was and mithered a few more times about the lack of a view. I wouldn't mind but it was pitch black outside and there was nothing and I mean nothing to view through the window.

Douche.

32 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Excellent Smiths reference, Manuel!

Manuel said...

medbh: there is a Smith's reference for every moment in life......

daisyfae said...

if a double decker bus smashed into him - through the window of course - and also took out the light bulb?

well... that would be nifty, wouldn't it?

Manuel said...

daisyfae: this night has opened my eyes...to the idiots out there....

dethmama said...

Ok... you know that I love your stories, but your additions to my vocabulary are a welcome bonus!

"Shit mittens" and "indubitably"... Sweet!

Manuel said...

dethmama: and where do you stand on the use of smiths lyrics? the smiths can teach us so so much....

A.B. said...

Douche Bag is currently my favorite word, how did you know?

Manuel said...

a.b: you spend too much time wi old k.....that's always a give away...

VinylCresendo said...

When I first read the title I thought you were talking about Barbra Streisand than Justin Timberlake, but alas, I was wrong.

Perhaps he should have brought a pair of shades with him? Then he could have been in douchey-style. This would only make him look more like a douche, and hopefully you'd enjoy his stupidity a bit more as you waited for him to leave the restaurant.

Gosh.. the comment is much too large. My apologizes!

Silverstar said...

Considering that the lighting I've encountered in most restaurants is so dim I need a flashlight to read the menu, I find his complaining of the blinding light very amusing. Yes, I can see you reaching up, grabbing the hot light bulb in order to remove it for the little blighter. NOT!

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

What an asshole! It reminds me once where I was working one time when someone asked for something that was not on the menu to which the waiter replied , " Go to Vesuvio's Restaurant , they have it there." Customers like that should be escorted with a boot up their ass out the door. Stop bothering us waiters with things we cannot control , I say!

MJ said...

I see it as my life's goal to get the word massive-douche used at least once a day.

Old Knudsen said...

You have Wooster and Jeeves syndrome its Belfast Mr Waiter any word over 4 letters means yer posh.

NOW FETCH ME A TANKARD OF ALE MY GOOD MAN AND BE SWIFT ABOUT IT AS MY GURLFRIEND IS IN A COMA AND DRINKING IS SERIOUS!

red leeroy said...

manuel - do you have a vacancy for a potwasher ?

Devin said...

Was his name Mr Shankly by any chance?

Conan Drumm said...

Prithee, was said gentleman from the Ormeau Road or in town from the 'gold coast'?

Out of a scientific sense of curiosity I wonder if you might shed some light on the luminous output of the bulb that caused such untoward retinal affront to the patron in question?

And would it be presumtuous of me to enquire as to the generosity or as it might be, the miserliness of his gratuity?

Manuel said...

vinylcrescendo: no no, you carry on.....i was thinking at the time that he needed some shades.....

silverstar: i know! what a ......well you know

steve: and i agree....

mj: we share a dream.....of sorts

old k: whay hey! And I didn't think you would know a Smiths song.....

red leeroy: always.....how's your Polish....you have to be able to fit in

Manuel said...

devin: frankly that's just lame.......hehehe

conan: oh no he tipped well, on credit card but still it was excellent remuneration for my evenings service.....that light in particular is in deed a little brighter than one might hope for but considering his titchy tiny man head was quite far away from it I'm surprised he noticed.....the gentleman was an out of towner.......kent or thereabouts.....oh he was a kent alright.....

psychoknitter said...

Were those seriously the exact words of your conversation? Priceless - how do you do it with a straight face?

Manuel said...

Psychoknitter: I smoke a lot....oh wait.....!

savannah said...

you're like a cat toying with a mouse, sugar! i like that about you. xoxox

Manuel said...

Savannah: yes he's lucky I didn't rip his head of and the present it to LMM......hehehehe

Conan Drumm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Conan Drumm said...

That was me trying to pst two links to waiter-related-misery articles in today's Irish Times.

www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/features/2008/1118/1226700692053.html
and
www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/features/2008/1118/1226700692067.html

Crispy said...

BALL BAG!!!!

paddy said...

blinded by the light - there's also a Bruce reference there for the taking. Though Ray Charles might have said might have been the best option - hit the road Jack. And don't you come back....

Manuel said...

conan: Yeah I saw those earlier.....one shift wont teach her a thing.....good news on the tip front though

crispy: oh hell yes......very well put young lady.....

paddy: bwahahahahaha quality

Leslie Michelle said...

Oh you are brilliant! I have been reading for months now and decided to end the anonymity. I am not currently a server but have been and I long for it when I read your blogs. If only to produce whimsical tales of terror and dred such as yours. Bravo!

Manuel said...

leslie michelle: shucks.....thanks for that....

Wellington Farset said...

Tell me he wasn't from Belfast. Cunt, him not you but maybe you. No just him.

The Platypus said...

It's obvious that nobody is going to srew lightbulbs in at out at a customer's whim, but I don't understand why they can't turn the music down. I'm referring to an experience at a Cuban cafe in a hipster suburb here. It's a small storefront place and one time I went in the afternoon and I was the only one there and I asked if they could turn the music down. It was a Cuban theme place and they played Cuban music and, you might not know this, Cuban music is really annoying. I just wanted a Cuban sandwich, please don't annoy me with that music that nobody wants to hear even if there was actually anybody else present but the staff. You'd think they'd be grateful for a chance to turn that shit down but, unfortunately, it couldn't be done. I guess they welded the knob down or something so it would be loud enough for later on when the room filled up with hipsters.

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