Thursday, 23 October 2008

Why is nothing ever easy?

I needed a lemon to make the cod goujons that LMM insisted I treat her with for dinner. So I went to my local supermarket to secure said lemon. A fairly mundane and hassle free chore I'm sure you would agree. I mean it's a lemon, what could go wrong?

Pfft, this is me we are talking about.....

the lemon
nothing more nothing less

I had been circling the fruit and vegetable section of my local supermarket for what seemed like an eternity in search of a lemon. I had been doing it for so long that I had attracted the attention of the burly security guard. Why it takes a man the size of a Ford Fiesta to guard the fruit and veg section I just don't know. Times are tough at the moment for sure but are people really stealing turnips and cabbages? He was staring at me with accusatory eyes and I'm positive he was whispering about me into his radio, "Fruit fancier, back up required, he looks like a right odd one. May have a pumpkin up his shirt."

I circled and circled, occasionally stopping to touch the exotic looking mangos and star fruits, but still no lemons would reveal themselves to me. Eventually I found a net of lemons but this was no good. What the hell was I gonna do with a net of lemons? I needed one not twelve. I'm not a fan of waste. So eventually and with a heavy heart I gave up and sought the advice of an employee. I find some supermarket employees to be snootier than some of us waiters and every simple request is like asking them to recite War & Peace.

Looking for an approachable supermarket employee was as tough as finding a single lemon. But I settled for this one guy who looked fairly agreeable.

"Excuse me...", says I in the politest and least bothersome voice I could muster. He had his back to me as he was, well I'm not sure what he was doing but it was something involving butternut squashes. I thought, "If he fucking sighs I'm gonna go postal."

Turning round to face me he sighs and says, "Yup?"

Bastard.

"Thanks. Eh have you got any lemons?"

Eyeing up my bag of unwanted lemons he asks, "You mean other than the bag of lemons in your hand?"

Fair enough, I'll give him that. "Yeah I wasn't looking for a net of lemons, just one will do."

"Have you tried the fruit section?"

I was sooo fucking tempted to repeated that right back to him mimicking the voice of a bratty child but didn't, obviously. Hardest thing I've ever done. Instead I just gave him a long, "Yeah..." and continued with, "...there's only bagged lemons there. I need loose lemons."

"Loose lemons?"

"Loose lemons."

Snickering like a thirteen year old looking up the rude words in the dictionary he followed with,

"Loose lemons like as in available lemons? The sort of lemons that sleep around? Eh eh....?"

Awesome I get the supermarket's comedian. No lemons, just cheap laughs. Funny he may have been but useful he was not.

"Right, good one. [fake laugh] So what we think about un-netted lemons then? You got em or what?"

Feeling chuffed and obviously spurred on by my sarcastic modicum of support he persisted down the line of bad puns. "We don't have any loose lemons but there maybe a promiscuous pineapple on the corner over there."

Bugger me, is there any fucking chance!

"Okay then, eh, you take it easy." I was backing away from yer man as quick as I could before he followed up with stories of wanton watercress or lax lettuce. He was creeping me right out and I really did begin to wonder what he had been doing to the butternut squash. But the more I thought about it the more it dawned on me that it the clever fella had come up with the greatest trick for getting out of having to help a customer ever - just be weird to them! Either that or he is just weird and has a sexual attraction towards fruit and veg and what have you.

I settled for the net of lemons and in the end forgot to bloody use them whilst making the goujons.

Pfft.....

....anybody need an unopened net of lemons?

30 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Manuel said...

is this working or what?

Medbh said...

Yes, thanks.
Why didn't you rip open the bag and just take one out?

Manuel said...

did consider it but the security man was giving me the evil eye.....

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

I just couldn't buy the sack of lemons.One time i was in this grocery store and was picking up a few things when I needed something in particular.It was like the main reason I was there.They didn't have it so I just left everything I had in the cart and walked out.I still shop there but that day I guess I was frustrated by this simple item they did not have and I just figured well you lost my business today.I felt somewhat refreshed after doing this.

Manuel said...

steve: nice! I should have done one too but couldn't be bothered having to go to the other shop...it's ages away...

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

Then you made the right decision.

Manuel said...

I'm very lazy

Silverstar said...

What is it with the propensity of supermarkets to bundle fruit? Do they think you will be making lemonade in this weather? Pffft!!

Manuel said...

silverstar: it's not the lemons....it's the creeps selling them...

Corina said...

When life (or in your case, the store) gives you lemons, make lemonade!

Manuel said...

corina: welcome.....or throw them back at the guy making the very bad jokes....

VinylCrescendo said...

Perhaps you could use the rest of the lemons sliced for drinks? Or if you have another day off you could put faces on the lemons (warning- this could lead to jealous fiberous foods, such as veggies, fruits, and the occasional nut).

paddy said...

supermarkets are starting to make international arms dealers look like upright corporate citizen these days. They are up to every filthy trick in the book to screw small suppliers and force the customer to buy shit they they just don't need.

But when the fruit and veg drones start giving you guff and inuendo - that really is a bridge too far.

MJ said...

One of my relatives used to stuff a couple of melons under his shirt for laffs.

Not to steal them.

To make himself look busty.

Don't all men do that?

Lemons don't really give you that full-figured look though, do they?

Native Minnow said...

I'm going to have to pick me up a few loose lemons and promiscuous pineapples. That's funny shit right there.

Devin said...

I'd have shoved his promiscuous pineapple up his hole.

Sorry you had to put up with that 100 twat bulb there.

Old Knudsen said...

Have you got any salty nuts?

redleeroy said...

melons, lemons, vegetables, fruits. It's all comedy to me.

Manuel said...

vinylcrescendo: do you work in Tesco? eh eh? Welcome btw

paddy: yeah not cool......not cool at all....

mj: no but sometimes I just like the pert petite look......damn it.....I've said too much

minnow: tarty tomatoes?

devin: hahahahahahaha brilliant

old k: pick n mix

redleeroy: yes, yes you're right....

conortje said...

I have to admit to loving the idea of promiscuous pineapples.

You could always have used those plastic yellow bottles of lemon juice - just as good reallY!

Mudflapgypsy said...

You do seem to attract the loonies.

sheepworrier said...

You sure it wasn't b'dum, Manuel?

bendersbetterbrother said...

Speaking of lemons... I had the chance to run over Bob McCartney today in Chichester Street as he crossed the road. He was using his wife as a human shield so I decided I didn't want the death of an innocent on my conscience. Bob lives.

savannah said...

nothing is ever easy because the stars are not aligned in our favor. the world is at an end, sugar.

(today is super nana's 30th! i've put a post up for her.)


(feel better? have a g&t with a twist)

xoxoxo

A.B. said...

I can send you my recipe for lemon tarts. That will use them up.

Manuel said...

conortje: I need lemon zest.....is that the same thing? would that work? .raging as I have a bottle in the cupboard...

muddy: no question...

sheepo: true very very true.....

bbb: now there is a good blog post right there....just saying...no pressure...any hoo his wife is just as guilty...

savannah: at an end? really? I'm taking the weekend off then!!

a.b: do it....ta ta!

Medbh said...

True story, Manuel. A friend was in a super-sized grocery store with his granny (she was a racist, too, btw) and she stopped in the middle and lit up a smoke. A clerk came over and protested and she told him she's leave her stuffed cart for him to unpack if he didn't let her finish.
He did.

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

Ha, ha poor Manuel:) I can't believe you forgot to use it after all that! More importantly were they worth it?

p.s. grazie for the link:)

Manuel said...

lorraine: I make your chicken goujons at least 3 times a month.....the cod ones were just beautiful and will certainly rival the chicken ones now....

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