I needed a lemon to make the cod goujons that LMM insisted I treat her with for dinner. So I went to my local supermarket to secure said lemon. A fairly mundane and hassle free chore I'm sure you would agree. I mean it's a lemon, what could go wrong?
Pfft, this is me we are talking about.....
I had been circling the fruit and vegetable section of my local supermarket for what seemed like an eternity in search of a lemon. I had been doing it for so long that I had attracted the attention of the burly security guard. Why it takes a man the size of a Ford Fiesta to guard the fruit and veg section I just don't know. Times are tough at the moment for sure but are people really stealing turnips and cabbages? He was staring at me with accusatory eyes and I'm positive he was whispering about me into his radio, "Fruit fancier, back up required, he looks like a right odd one. May have a pumpkin up his shirt."
I circled and circled, occasionally stopping to touch the exotic looking mangos and star fruits, but still no lemons would reveal themselves to me. Eventually I found a net of lemons but this was no good. What the hell was I gonna do with a net of lemons? I needed one not twelve. I'm not a fan of waste. So eventually and with a heavy heart I gave up and sought the advice of an employee. I find some supermarket employees to be snootier than some of us waiters and every simple request is like asking them to recite War & Peace.
Looking for an approachable supermarket employee was as tough as finding a single lemon. But I settled for this one guy who looked fairly agreeable.
"Excuse me...", says I in the politest and least bothersome voice I could muster. He had his back to me as he was, well I'm not sure what he was doing but it was something involving butternut squashes. I thought, "If he fucking sighs I'm gonna go postal."
Turning round to face me he sighs and says, "Yup?"
"Thanks. Eh have you got any lemons?"
Eyeing up my bag of unwanted lemons he asks, "You mean other than the bag of lemons in your hand?"
Fair enough, I'll give him that. "Yeah I wasn't looking for a net of lemons, just one will do."
"Have you tried the fruit section?"
I was sooo fucking tempted to repeated that right back to him mimicking the voice of a bratty child but didn't, obviously. Hardest thing I've ever done. Instead I just gave him a long, "Yeah..." and continued with, "...there's only bagged lemons there. I need loose lemons."
Snickering like a thirteen year old looking up the rude words in the dictionary he followed with,
"Loose lemons like as in available lemons? The sort of lemons that sleep around? Eh eh....?"
Awesome I get the supermarket's comedian. No lemons, just cheap laughs. Funny he may have been but useful he was not.
"Right, good one. [fake laugh] So what we think about un-netted lemons then? You got em or what?"
Feeling chuffed and obviously spurred on by my sarcastic modicum of support he persisted down the line of bad puns. "We don't have any loose lemons but there maybe a promiscuous pineapple on the corner over there."
Bugger me, is there any fucking chance!
"Okay then, eh, you take it easy." I was backing away from yer man as quick as I could before he followed up with stories of wanton watercress or lax lettuce. He was creeping me right out and I really did begin to wonder what he had been doing to the butternut squash. But the more I thought about it the more it dawned on me that it the clever fella had come up with the greatest trick for getting out of having to help a customer ever - just be weird to them! Either that or he is just weird and has a sexual attraction towards fruit and veg and what have you.
I settled for the net of lemons and in the end forgot to bloody use them whilst making the goujons.
....anybody need an unopened net of lemons?