Sunday, 12 October 2008

Manuel cannot survive on the diet of a supermodel......

Waiting as a profession does not lend itself well to living a healthy and surgeon general approved lifestyle. Take Friday for example, a day that was marked by a complete lack of anything that could be described as conducive to a hearty and wholesome life, except for the tips which were great and warmed the cockles of my filthy black heart. Saying that I'll probably spend the money on red meat and smokes.

The day didn't start well. I was too tired from my twelve hour shift on Thursday to get it together to make a decent breakfast so I made a cup of tea and smoked three fags whilst checking my emails etc. I picked waiter chum number 1 up in a taxi on the way to the dark satanic mill, so there was no walking or effort put in there. When we got to work we stood outside in the rain for about ten minutes like mourners at a funeral smoking our smokes and kicking our heels.

not the breakfast lunch dinner of champions,
but the it is the breakfast lunch dinner of a waiter....


Espressos, doubles to be precise, were secured and necked before our coats were even off. This was followed by a forty minute burst of energy, bar stocked, tables set, fruit cut and all the other inconveniences that make up our morning routine. The phone was getting in the way with it's constant chirp chirping. But we still had time for more espresso and smokes, two smoke to be precise.

So by twelve we had ripped through seven cigarettes, numerous espressos and cups of tea but no food. That's not so good.

We then got tanked, ripped apart, shafted and generally turned over during the next three hours. This included a Viking invasion at 2pm when a table of twelve from Denmark, Sweden, and Norway showed up for lunch all looking for Irish beer and traditional Irish food. I was tempted to offer then a smoke and an espresso but thought better of it.

We were meant to be going on our split at 3pm but with the restaurant still busy and in need of reconstruction there was no chance of this happening. So we huffed for a moment, this was made up with swearing and kicking of inanimate objects, and then got another round of smokes in. A one smoke break this time as we had lots to be doing. But by four we had the restaurant reset and looking glorious. There are few things more satisfying to gaze upon more than a perfectly set and empty restaurant.

With less than an hour until we started again there really wasn't any time to beg a chef to cook us something nice to eat.

"Fuck this I'm going for a smoke", I exclaimed. I was hungry, huffy, and in desperate need of sustenance.

"I'm not." replied waiter chum number 1.

"What? Why?" I mean the one thing I can always count on is that waiter chum number 1's dedication to smoking is second only to my own.

"I'm going for a freedom smoke.", she said all smug.

"A freedom smoke?"

"A freedom smoke. A smoke free from guests, the phone and managerial interference oh and Vikings.

"Freedom smoke eh?"

"Freedom smoke."

"I shall join you and we shall enjoy the smoky taste of freedom together!"

"They can take away our splits. They can take away our food. But they can never takeaway our freedom.......smokes."

"Huzzah for freedom smokes!", we cried with a vociferous yell.

A half hour later we trudged back into work cold, wet and breathing like an asthmatic Darth Vader. Freedom isn't so tasty after the fourth round. Freedom comes at a cost.

The evening battle kicked off early and stayed busy right to the end. So by half eleven I was ready to eat the fist of myself. Apart from a few stolen fries here and there I'd eaten nothing all day and was suffering because of it. I mean as well as the caffeine shakes and the complete lack of energy there was also a constant low grumble emanating from my tum tum. It was getting louder too. Smoking would quell it.

By the time I got home and managed to prepare myself something to eat with what little energy I could muster I had probably smoked twenty plus cigarettes on an empty stomach. That's really not good I mean I'm no supermodel and cant survive on a supermodel diet.

So the moral of the story is this, Manuel cannot live on freedom smokes and espresso alone, he also needs food.

Okay okay the moral of the story is Manuel smokes too much and needs to start thinking about considering maybe planning to reduce the amount he smokes with the long term aim of giving them up.

Eventually.

In the future.

Someday.

21 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

No pressure, Manuel.
Give them up when you're ready.
Are you able to at least pilfer some bread and cheese from the kitchen when you don't have the opportunity to have a meal?
At least it would be a nice coat on the stomach.

Manuel said...

medbh: most splits aren't a problem and I tend to be good to myself when I get the chance to get away. The chefs are pretty good to us but it was just too busy on friday to be bothering them.......it would have ended in tears......mine most probably

savannah said...

and here i am ready to start again..for a month because ...because...ok, i don't know why..just because.







i already miss the MITM. :(

xoxooxx

Manuel said...

savannah: we'll smoke together! hurrah!

Quickroute said...

Burn the candle at both ends - fitness is just a fad!

Manuel said...

quickie: awesome! you're my sort of fitness guru...

Silverstar said...

When my siblings tackle me about my girth, I just tell them I'll survive the next famine, and they won't. Never got into the smoking thing, but as a nurse for many years, I know what it is to be run off your feet with no hope of food.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

I don't smoke at all luckily.My last smoke was March 10th , 1996 when the bartender on the cruise ship gave me one on my last night. I only borrowed the odd cigarette never bought any.They would just go bad anyway if I did buy them.So I guess I am lucky that way.I am eating better now that I work evenings only.With splits I can't enjoy the food anyway.

Old Knudsen said...

Give up smoking? I knew you were a cunt but I didn't think you were a quitter.

paddy said...

caffeine and fags - the breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions (though I am a cola rater than coffee man myself)

They do have the unfortunate effect of making you a thirty-six year old man living in a fifty-six year old man's body after a while though.

Manuel said...

silverstar: you tell em!

steve: I didn't start smoking until i was about 20.....so so stupid

old k: never!!!

paddy: yeah tell me about it......it's not so cool.....

Katie said...

As a caffeine intolerant non- smoker just imagining this makes me feel ill!

Vicky Rogers said...

oh dude i klnow that feeling. i am currantly on that diet and i am not for the better of it.

witchypoo said...

That used to be my diet, starting with the whore's breakfast of cigs and coffee, and I wondered why I had so many headaches. Hello? Blood sugar?

daisy mae said...

oh manuel - you just make me miss waiting tables! the lack of sleep, the lack of food, the big fat wallet at the end of the shift (promptly half-spent on the way home...)

i was never a smoker, which i used to my advantage - i'd step outside for a "food break". in the cloud of smoke, when the management would ask what the hell i thought i was doing, i simply had to point to the smokers and say "smoke break, see?"

it always irked me that the non-smokers were expected to cover tables for servers who were out smoking.... multiple times a day. i started charging $5 a pop - never asked again, though!

Lone Waitress said...

I more than feel your pain. I work a double every Friday. It can't be called a split since I don't really get a break between. There have been many Fridays I have looked at the clock and realized I haven't had food in over 8 hours. By the time I realize this the kitchen is closed. Seems I forget about feeding myself while waiting for the kitchen to close so I can stop feeding others.

Medbh said...

Saw this article today on a restaurant in California that stopped allowing waiters to accept tips. It'll make your blood pressure rise.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/12/magazine/12tipping-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine&oref=slogin

Manuel said...

katie: Oh me too but yet I still do it....

vicky: welcome! best avoided...

witchypoo: I have to change my ways....

daisy: yeah some of the non-smokers go for "smoke breaks" too....it annoys me....hypocrisy....on my behalf...

lone waitress: when I'm working all I wanna do is eat but on my days off I rarely bother.....much

medbh: saw it yesterday.....utter nonsense.....

raptureponies said...

The smoky taste of freedom together shall sustain you for another day surely?

Sigh...

Manuel said...

raptureponies: and many more to come one hopes.....I'm no quitter....eek

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