Wednesday, 29 October 2008

"Don't wan it, der's no calee-flough-er cheese."

As I lay in bed on Tuesday morning I considered how grouchy and miserable I have been over the last week or so. I also considered how freaking cold it was and I hauled my ass, which was hanging out over the edge of the bed, back under the safety and warmth of my duvet. Just as I had quickly solved the problem of my freezing cold bum I also resolved to be happier. This made me chuckle as it's like resolving to be taller. But I am normally a happy person by nature and it's only the introduction of others in to my daily routine that brings me down. That's not such a good situation considering what I do for a living.

bend over.....

The last few weeks at work have been tough. I'm not sure if it's the Festival crowd or just as a result of the current woes in society as a whole but people have been grouchier and just downright shitty of late.

Lets take Sunday for example. I arrived into work at two full of the joys of having enjoyed an extra hour in bed, thank you day light savings time, and with a veritable spring in my step. Did it last? Did it fuck. I was all tensed up and reaching for the stabbing fork before I even got my coat off. As I pulled at my man mittens waiter chum number four came rushing towards me with tears welling in her little eyes.

"Good grief, here we go again", I thought as I stashed my gear and sought to console my unhappy little chum. Bear in mind this kid is sixteen and as sweet as a basket of kittens.

"What's up?"

Sniff sniffing and looking as sad a scolded puppy she handed me a plate of half eaten Sunday lunch and explained that the guy on table six had sent it back due to a lack of cauliflower cheese.

"Say what?"

"He [sniff sniff] shouted at me.....and his kids [sniff sniff] laughed....[sniff sniff] and told me to take it away. What'll I do?"

"Are you kidding me? Cauliflower cheese?" Oh I'll give him cauliflower fucking cheese alright." I sent her out the back for a little sit down and to fix her makeup which was dripping down her wittle face. With carefully applied mascara and what have you she can appear much older but with it washing away with her tears she appeared every inch the child she is.

So within minutes of arriving my heart was racing and my head was pounding . Wonderful! Snatching the plate from kiddo I marched back to table six to have a conversation with this brute of a man. I wanted to face down the man who thinks it's okay to get on like a five year old because there is no cauliflower fucking cheese on his plate. I wouldn't mind but we haven't served cauliflower bloody cheese since the frigging eighties.

"Excuse me." I omitted the sir, obviously.

Staring up at me was a large sweaty man with his mouth wide open despite nothing going in or out. It was just open. The only thing it was missing was a speech bubble with the word, "duh" written in it.

As I literally dropped the plate in front of him I said, "Your lunch I believe?"

"Don't wan it."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't wan it, der's no calee-flough-er cheese."

"Yeah, we eh don't serve cauliflower cheese." I made sure to pronounce the syllables correctly.

"I eat calee-flough-er cheese wi ma dinner on a Sunday." He says with all the petulance of a very spoilt child. I had really had to suppress the urge to tell him that as it was only 2pm he was in fact eating lunch.

"Not today then eh. Oh and could you get your kids to stop throwing their food on the floor, cheers." Says I and with that I walked away leaving his plate in front of him. Obviously I really wanted to whisper into his ear that if he made any of my chums cry again I would ram a whole cauliflower up his, well, his own hole. But I didn't for obvious reasons.

As I walked away I mentally chalked up another victory for waiters over the mouth breathers of society. I glanced around to see what else was happening and I noticed that the table beside them was all done so I stopped to clear them off.

They were a charming and joyful looking four top.

"So folks did we all enjoy our lunch today?" I asked in an affable and friendly manner.

No response.

"Eh, sorry was everything okay?" I asked again. I was worried I was about to get more grief but instead I got....

"Yeah, yeah....hehehehehe......yeah......bwahahahahaha." What started out as stifled snikering behind clasped hands ended in hearty belly laughs.

"Excuse me?" I was more confused than a chef in a library.

"Oh sorry but we couldn't help overhearing you deal with that menace a few tables over. Well done you. He was so rude to that lovely young girl", explained the mummy at the table.

I gave a brief explanation and free coffees, well you would wouldn't you. But I only remembered about their laughs of support on Tuesday morning. I had instead focused my thoughts on the brute and his need for artery clogging covered vegetables and the way he made my waiter chum cry. And when I thought back over the last few weeks I realised that for every weenie with entitlement issues and the need for an anger management course there have been many many more appealing and wonderful people.

For example when this dick was kicking off there was a woman two tables over who had to be restrained form stepping in and telling him to catch a grip. When these kiddies where flinging their metaphorical shit around the restaurant there was a gentle ripple of applause from my table of accountants for the way we handled it.

There is nothing that endears a waiter to a guest more than words of support when things aren't going so well. And when I think about it for every muppet who complains about the brownness of their gravy or the difficulty of dealing with a tomato there are hundreds of delightful and agreeable guests who love what we do.

So huzzah for the them and ya boo sucks to the rest of them!

26 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

isn't it lovely when we find the one good thing, sugar? xoxxxo

(my house closes on nov.6 and the MITM comes home on the 12th!!))

Manuel said...

savannah: just one good thing is all I ask for.....!

Medbh said...

Your waiter chum is lucky to have you. She has to gain age and experience before she can issue a smackdown to rude fucks like him.

Years back I was stuck behind a bourgie cunt treating the baristas like shit, and after all her yacking she made a show of taking a penny from her purse to put in the tip jar. When I stepped around her to say I was putting a dollar in to make up for her bad manners, she was livid and even huffier. My coffee was free; I put the money in the jar.
People need to shut these rude fuckers down.

Manuel said...

medbh: I can see her getting steelier as the days go by....but it's hard for anyone to take a verbal volley in front of others especially when it's so unwarranted...huzzah for you and yes people do need to pipe up and put these ignoramuses down....

Gypsy said...

That big fat lard arse probably gets his jollies kicking kittens too. I do so loathe a bully. I hope little waiter chum is ok now.

Manuel said...

gypsy: the young bounce back very quick and she was slouching and slacking like normal within no time...

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

Fan fucking tastic Manuel! Pardon the language.Yes you are right other tables around do recognize the rudeness of one.When you think you are solving an issue all by yourself there are 20 others sitting around cheering us on wishing they could be us for just that moment.That is because we care and do the right thing!

Manuel said...

steve: the thing is the problem guest is probably ruining things for everybody else too! oh and we welcome and encourage swearing round here.....carry fucking on!!

Old Knudsen said...

No collyfleur cheese sass? what right do you people think you have? Yes I said it 'you' people. Take my example and be a nicer person why don't ya and take his dinner out back and dribble some cheese onto it.

Hell is other people!

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

That is why we have to do what you did.When it comes to ruining the experience for others we have to step in.Actually even at the same table where the idiot is sitting there are probably people rooting for us.

MJ said...

Did you get new underpants today?

Please address the issues that MATTER.

Sharon said...

Manuel for president!

Cheers for bully busting friends and decent guests.

PRyin said...

I was in my 'special place' (not a euphemism - see Manuel's restaurant recommendations post) a while back. It's a homely fancy-enough-food/good-wine-bar. One of Ireland's top wine importers, a French man, was there at the time.
Some upiitty young thing came blasting over to the bar with a glass of red. "My gawwwd, this wine is simply awwwful! It's absolute vunnager! We'll have the pinot noir instead."
I waited a while and just before the barman went to chuck it, politely asked to taste it. It was rather the deliciousness and told the staff as much. We shared eyes raised skywards and a quiet tut and shrug.

Of course I got to keep the glass and asked the French importer to taste also. He agreed, it was fine.
It continued to warm my belly as much as the shared sense of comraderie over the know-nothing show-off haughty bitch.

redleeroy said...

Bravo Manuel. May he choke on congealed cheese. (and bless you continued patience).

Mudflapgypsy said...

Way to go Manny.

I wait for the day when someone complains that their chips aren't chippy enough unlike the complainant.

sheepworrier said...

Its nice to be the go-to-guy for the newbies sometimes, especially when you get to smack-down rude assholes.
Fair play to ya big lawd.

conortje said...

IO've notived the increase in miserable annoying people too - I reckon it's to do with Winter and the lack of light.

dave said...

The guy was obviously being a wanker because of the credit crunch you see. I'm blaming everything on it.

Snow this afternoon in Belfast? It's because of the credit crunch.

It's also why Brand and Wossy have been suspended.

fatmammycat said...

What might be better still is if idiots stop being idiots before they open their idiot mouths. I kow I say this to you regularly, but jesus Manuel, I don't know how you do it.

Red hair, Red face said...

The sound people always make the assholes seem like bigger assholes

Native Minnow said...

What the hell is cauliflower cheese?

belfastyouthworker said...

whats cauliflower cheese? WHAT'S CAULIFLOWER CHEESE!!??!?11!?ONE!!? it's the favourite of irish mammies. it's the staple diet of our countrymen and women. ireland was built on the backbone of cauliflower cheese!!!

MJ said...

BelfastYouthWorker: I thought it was corned beef and cabbage swilled down with Guinness.

I've been misinformed.

A.B. said...

"So huzzah for the them and ya boo sucks to the rest of them!"

I think I just found my new screen saver quote.


Manuel said...

manuel is not....well that is.....will respond tomorrow.....

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