"Don't wan it, der's no calee-flough-er cheese."

As I lay in bed on Tuesday morning I considered how grouchy and miserable I have been over the last week or so. I also considered how freaking cold it was and I hauled my ass, which was hanging out over the edge of the bed, back under the safety and warmth of my duvet. Just as I had quickly solved the problem of my freezing cold bum I also resolved to be happier. This made me chuckle as it's like resolving to be taller. But I am normally a happy person by nature and it's only the introduction of others in to my daily routine that brings me down. That's not such a good situation considering what I do for a living.

bend over.....

The last few weeks at work have been tough. I'm not sure if it's the Festival crowd or just as a result of the current woes in society as a whole but people have been grouchier and just downright shitty of late.

Lets take Sunday for example. I arrived into work at two full of the joys of having enjoyed an extra hour in bed, thank you day light savings time, and with a veritable spring in my step. Did it last? Did it fuck. I was all tensed up and reaching for the stabbing fork before I even got my coat off. As I pulled at my man mittens waiter chum number four came rushing towards me with tears welling in her little eyes.

"Good grief, here we go again", I thought as I stashed my gear and sought to console my unhappy little chum. Bear in mind this kid is sixteen and as sweet as a basket of kittens.

"What's up?"

Sniff sniffing and looking as sad a scolded puppy she handed me a plate of half eaten Sunday lunch and explained that the guy on table six had sent it back due to a lack of cauliflower cheese.

"Say what?"

"He [sniff sniff] shouted at me.....and his kids [sniff sniff] laughed....[sniff sniff] and told me to take it away. What'll I do?"

"Are you kidding me? Cauliflower cheese?" Oh I'll give him cauliflower fucking cheese alright." I sent her out the back for a little sit down and to fix her makeup which was dripping down her wittle face. With carefully applied mascara and what have you she can appear much older but with it washing away with her tears she appeared every inch the child she is.

So within minutes of arriving my heart was racing and my head was pounding . Wonderful! Snatching the plate from kiddo I marched back to table six to have a conversation with this brute of a man. I wanted to face down the man who thinks it's okay to get on like a five year old because there is no cauliflower fucking cheese on his plate. I wouldn't mind but we haven't served cauliflower bloody cheese since the frigging eighties.

"Excuse me." I omitted the sir, obviously.

Staring up at me was a large sweaty man with his mouth wide open despite nothing going in or out. It was just open. The only thing it was missing was a speech bubble with the word, "duh" written in it.

As I literally dropped the plate in front of him I said, "Your lunch I believe?"

"Don't wan it."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't wan it, der's no calee-flough-er cheese."

"Yeah, we eh don't serve cauliflower cheese." I made sure to pronounce the syllables correctly.

"I eat calee-flough-er cheese wi ma dinner on a Sunday." He says with all the petulance of a very spoilt child. I had really had to suppress the urge to tell him that as it was only 2pm he was in fact eating lunch.

"Not today then eh. Oh and could you get your kids to stop throwing their food on the floor, cheers." Says I and with that I walked away leaving his plate in front of him. Obviously I really wanted to whisper into his ear that if he made any of my chums cry again I would ram a whole cauliflower up his, well, his own hole. But I didn't for obvious reasons.

As I walked away I mentally chalked up another victory for waiters over the mouth breathers of society. I glanced around to see what else was happening and I noticed that the table beside them was all done so I stopped to clear them off.

They were a charming and joyful looking four top.

"So folks did we all enjoy our lunch today?" I asked in an affable and friendly manner.

No response.

"Eh, sorry was everything okay?" I asked again. I was worried I was about to get more grief but instead I got....

"Yeah, yeah....hehehehehe......yeah......bwahahahahaha." What started out as stifled snikering behind clasped hands ended in hearty belly laughs.

"Excuse me?" I was more confused than a chef in a library.

"Oh sorry but we couldn't help overhearing you deal with that menace a few tables over. Well done you. He was so rude to that lovely young girl", explained the mummy at the table.

I gave a brief explanation and free coffees, well you would wouldn't you. But I only remembered about their laughs of support on Tuesday morning. I had instead focused my thoughts on the brute and his need for artery clogging covered vegetables and the way he made my waiter chum cry. And when I thought back over the last few weeks I realised that for every weenie with entitlement issues and the need for an anger management course there have been many many more appealing and wonderful people.

For example when this dick was kicking off there was a woman two tables over who had to be restrained form stepping in and telling him to catch a grip. When these kiddies where flinging their metaphorical shit around the restaurant there was a gentle ripple of applause from my table of accountants for the way we handled it.

There is nothing that endears a waiter to a guest more than words of support when things aren't going so well. And when I think about it for every muppet who complains about the brownness of their gravy or the difficulty of dealing with a tomato there are hundreds of delightful and agreeable guests who love what we do.

So huzzah for the them and ya boo sucks to the rest of them!