Don't ever come dine with me....

I was watching Come Dine With Me the other evening, believe me there was nothing else on. It was either the peculiar delights of CDWM or the dishes. The dishes had only been there for a day so the TV won. But, if I'm being honest, I quite like that show. For those of you unaware of the car crash delights of Come Dine With Me it's a TV show where four "ordinary" people take it in turns to host a dinner party for the other three in their home. The guests award points based on quality of food and the other contestant's skills as host. For some reason this is done on the taxi ride home when they are usually quite blotto.

the humble fondue
it's one step away from listening to ABBA and wife swapping.

It's an amusing show. Like all these reality match n mix shows the producers try to ensure that they mix polar opposites so that there is a bit of friction and amusement for us the viewer to get our rocks off to, vegan with a carnivore, a committed chauvinist with a lesbian, and so on. I mean would you really tune into watch four people having dinner without the imminent threat of violence/shouting? I think not. And even if they aren't fighting they are being served some of the worst food imaginable. Abominations like Brian Moore's Banana and Orange Surprise. The only surprise being that it wasn't stuffed back in his face. It should be noted that each of the recipes on the CDWM website comes with a warning,

"Please note this recipe is the contestant's own and has not been tested professionally. Like the Come Dine With Me contestants, you could be creating a culinary delight or dining disaster, so switch on your ovens and be bold."

Indeed.

Fine dining, this is not. Watching people, so convinced in their culinary skills, serving complete strangers chocolate and salmon salad (I wouldn't lie to you, I'm not that sort of waiter) is all very amusing but you don't watch CDWM to be enthralled by the food. Enthralled no, sick in a bag, yes. You watch CDWM to snoop around other peoples homes. It's like MTV's Cribs but without the money or penis shaped swimming pools.

And really isn't that why people have dinner parties? To show off the new carpet and three piece suit they got from the DFS sale? It is! Come on just admit it.

I'd rather watch CDWM than have to host or attend another dinner party again in my life. Dinner party? Sounds so 1970's, one almost expects keys in a bowl and a fondue whilst ABBA blasts from the tape deck and everyone drinks Martini or Le Piat D'or. Of course we don't call then dinner parties now. Now it's "friends round for something to eat", nothing special just friends for something to eat. Boke.

I am not a fan of dinner parties. Shocked eh?

It's not just because they clearly take work away from restaurants but because I cant relax, neither as a host or as a guest. I haven't hosted a dinner party in over ten years. Fuck that for a carry on. All that cleaning and tidying that needs done is such a freaking bore and inevitably a waste of time. Then there are the hours spent over the stove creating something wonderful only to discover at the last minute that somebody's new boyfriend doesn't like fucking duck or is allergic to the bloody salsa you spent two days tracking down the ingredients for. Oh but you could just imagine their faces if I was to whip out a KFC Bargain bucket complete with 2 litre bottle of Coke Zero and frozen fucking dessert. Horror, that's what their little faces would say, horror and dismay.

And then you have to try and convince the inquisitive fuckers to leave. OH MY GOD IS THERE ANY FUCKING CHANCE!? It's 3am and they wanna ask you about your holidays from three years ago. No no no no no no no, GET OUT!!! I cant have people in my house for extended periods. (An hour representing the time before I start to twitch) I ache to be stripped to my boxers eating ice cream and gently fingering my keyboard. But some people cant take a hint. I mean I actually fell asleep at a dinner party in my own house one night only to wake up three hours later to find that no one had done the decent thing and gone bloody home. Good grief if they don't leave when you fall asleep when would they go? I know falling asleep as host of a dinner party is bad form but I was really really bored. It's a wonder I was married for the year and a bit that I was.

And it's no better when you go round to someone else's house. Oh hell no, it's worse. You have to eat third rate food on your one night off that week, you have to go outside in the pishing rain for a smoke and your girlfriend is giving you daggers for not joining in the mindless chatter about LOST or Prison Break or what have you. Oh I really cant be arsed with it all. And when is it okay to leave? You cant be the first one to go, no matter if you are working in the morning or not. You have to stay until someone else goes and even then you cant leave straight away, you have to wait for a good hour after they have gone before you can escape. That extra hour is spent discussing the couple that just left.

No, I'm not a fan of dinner parties, keys in a bowl or not. And I think people have finally got the hint too as I haven't been invited to one in a very long time. Wouldn't mind but I am a hoot until I get bored and want to go home.

This post makes me sound more miserable than I actually am but I just don't like dinner parties or god forbid, "friends for something to eat." As Jules Renard put it,

"The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving any excuse."

Quite.

But what say you?