Men, eh, what can you say about them that hasn't already been said? Some really are just class acts and some are utter pond life. Take two incidents today for example....
I was enjoying the brief break in mother natures hostilities, in other words it wasn't raining, and living la vida loca. Okay I was having a coffee, but I was having it outside. This is as close as it gets to continental living in Belfast. The wee lad bedecked in a charming shell suit by Nike and black shoes ensemble and drinking White Lightening Cider from the bottle was slightly ruining the ambience but I decided to blot him out. Instead I imagined a tree. Then then there were three other trees and the tree started swearing and spitting so much so that I really couldn't pretend they were trees anymore.
Thankfully they moved on, only to be replaced by a Big Issue seller with big sad eyes wearing sandals and socks (which creeps me out) and a drunk Scottish man looking for money,
"Ne money fer meh? Eh laddie, ne money fer meh?"
I wasn't in a giving mood so off they trundled to harass a very confused looking Japanese couple, "Welcome to Belfast!" I thought. And to think we applied to be the European City of Culture.
But they aren't the point of todays post.
So I just sat there waiting for Little Miss Manuel to arrive and watched the citizens of Belfast dander by. A young man in his twenties sat at the next table to mine, he had a coffee and a dancing look in his eyes. He was a bit too jittery for my liking so I moved slightly so I could keep and eye on him. I pretended to be using my phone just incase he wanted to engage me in small talk. Manuel doesn't small talk for anything less than 15%.
At that I noticed a young woman walking towards us talking on her phone. I thought nothing off it and carried on with my mobile phone fiddling. But chummy beside me spotted her too, he spotted her and was helping himself to a big long horny look. She notice his leering face too. And as she got to where we where sitting she slowed down and into her phone shouted,
"....no hold on ma, SOME FUCKING PERV IS STARING RIGHT AT MY FUCKING TITS!"
And walked on. Hurrah for her!
Yer man nudges me whilst laughing like a fucking psycho. I went red. Me who hadn't done a fucking thing! I went red! everyone turns round including the Big Issues Seller and the drunk bum and thinks that I was the perv!
"Fucking cheers a-hole!" I says to yer man and up he gets and wanders off laughing like he's on crack. Which he very well may have been.
Fucking cracked up sleaze bag.
There was more sleazerie at work as well. I seated two Frenchmen, youngish, probably in their late 20's. They seemed nice enough. What can you tell in 30 seconds?
"Gents can I get you a drink?"
"Is you our way-ter?" asks the beardy one.
"Vill you be serving us to-nyight?"
"Yes, is that okay?" I said, not that I gave a fiddlers fuck if it wasn't. They were in my section, so I was their waiter.
"Why cant she take ooooour ordyer?" ask the non-beardy but clearly horny one.
The two of them giggled like idiots and leered at my new work chum with very long sleazy gazes.
"She's nice eh?" says the beardy one and made gropy breast gestures with his hand. This cracked his chum up no end and then they both did it.
Now what was I to do?!
I lifted their menus and sent them on their way. They laughed like drunken sailors all they way out of the restaurant.
Fuck that, Pierre-verts.