Thursday, 7 August 2008

Older than Jesus...

As I have probably mentioned before I am the oldest person, 35, at work. This is with the exception of the head chef, but he's not a real person so he doesn't count. He is in fact the spawn of a one night stand between a jackal and a bed side cabinet. In other words dull but with a snarling temper. Being the oldest person at work has it's benefits - people seek me out for my fatherly wisdom, which is nice. I'm regarded as an oracle on all matters of service. And I get to say things like, "I was doing this job before you were born!" and "I've got underwear older than you."

But being the oldest person at work has more downsides than upsides if I'm being honest. Downsides like having the piss taken out of me all the time.

The merciless little whippersnappers.



But sometimes I really don't help myself. For example t'other day, as old people tend to say, we were having a pleasant conversation about all things music. I was waxing lyrical about the unique and wonderful melancholy that can only be found in the lyrics of one Stephen Patrick Morrissey. I see it as my role to educate the little blighters just as my father "taught" me about the Stones and Bob Dylan, which of course I completely ignored. But as their little youthful eyes glazed over with disinterest and fatigue, I had been rambling for a while, one of them mentioned the Ting Tings.

Well there was both shock and cries of disbelief as I said I had that very album. I can still see their doubting looks. The cheeky wee fuckers. One of them even said, and this really fucking hurts you have no idea, "I thought you would be into Phil Collins and that sort of stuff."

Phil Collins?

Phil Fucking Collins?

I wouldn't use a Phil Collins CD as a coaster for fucks sake less the smarm and cheese that oozes from it's very presence should infect my cup of Joe. I spent the next few hours being quizzed on the players, personalities, and the general big hitters involved into todays popular music scene. I couldn't answer questions or offer any insight into the world of happy hardcore or trance music, one has no interest in such malarky. But I did seem to score highly and by then end had them convinced that I was indeed "hip" and in some way "with it."

But I managed to ruin it all with one thoughtless remark. One unguarded line about the weather undid all that I had so tirelessly fought for. As we waited for our taxis home at the ned of the night I bemoaned the retched summer we are currently enduring.

"Wasn't like this when I was a kid you know? I mean I remember when it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. You could rely on the seasons back then." It didn't help that I said this whilst rubbing my aching back. I mean I couldn't have made it any worse if I had been wearing a flat cap and whittling a piece of wood at the same time.

They looked at each other then looked at me and then burst out laughing. The bastards.

"Okay grandad...Uh huh summers were warmer, that's right and you could get into the 'picture house' for a farthing. You want me to tell the taxi driver where you are going incase you forget?"

See in my day, when I was a lad, you were allowed to slap the little jackanapes.

If anybody needs me I'll be listening to, "Hatful of Hollow" and thinking about the "good old days" of Thatcher and yuppies and warm summers.

But not Phil Collins, obviously.

34 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Anonymous Boxer said...

I've stopped telling people in my boxing class how old I am because I don't want to hear "that's the year my Mom was born" anymore. But I do get a sense of satisfaction in kicking their little 20-something asses. But, you know, I'm bitter/cynical.

Manuel said...

boxer: me n you both...I've drank wine older than some of my work colleagues..that cant be good eh?

Maxi Cane said...

I'm actually looking forward to getting older. I'll grow into this bald spot one day!

bethanythemartian said...

People who think 35 is old are on par with people who think High School years are the best in your life.

Ugh. Those people drove me nuts when I was in high school.

Manuel said...

maxi: fingers crossed for a cure for the baldness.......it's good to have a dream

bethanythemartian: the forever young become the bitter thirty year olds....well they had better....

banquet manager said...

Being the oldest person is fine as long as we age gracefully and give the youngsters hell!
So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager

daisyfae said...

phil collins destroyed genesis. bastard. should be tried for musical crime for everything he's recorded... i'd have been outraged, and whacked the little fuckers with my walking frame.

Silverstar said...

And I'm older than all of you, so I can talk about the olden days when I walked half a mile to the school bus. Young whippersnappers.

MJ said...

I'm sewing name tags into your uniforms in case you wander away from work and get lost.

Melissa said...

It's totally true about the seasons though! Let them laugh, the bastards!

Geesh, 35 is not old. I'm 38 and the youngest at my workplace, and the only female. You can imagine what I have to listen to.

carine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
carine said...

phil collins btw? i'd have hit them.

i clearly remember waiting on a 30th birthday party table when i was 20 and thinking how OLD they were, and how i'd NEVER be that old, and how they must be into phil collins. but to be fair, that was back in the day when they probably WOULD have been into phil collins.

for the record i also have the ting tings album. and santogold. so there.

conortje said...

phil Collins? Ouch! That must have hurt hehe poor thing. 35 is ridiculously young and don't forget it!

sheepworrier said...

Aye, back in my day we had to walk fifteen miles to school in our bare feet and getting an uncooked spud for dinner AND BEING F**KING GLAD OF IT!
One time I got a lump of coal for Chistmas. That was the best Christmas ever.

The Idle Wanderer said...

I wish that girl from the Ting Tings would tell me her name. Stuck up bitch.

Anyway, I have returned. Just with a different name.

AnFearBui said...

Speaks to group....Hello, I'm AnFearBui & I'm 40.....

They can smirk all they like, later on they will be working themselves to the bone paying our pensions & health bills. Drink & a Cigar anyone?

Dave said...

Sheepo.... I too remember walking 15 miles to school in my bare feet, only in 3ft of snow as well!

Manuel... Nearly time you bought a pipe and a pair of slippers. When you stop going to bed in the nip and start wearing PJ's, then it's time to worry.

Manuel said...

bm: gracefully? not a fucking chance......

daisyfae: I'd forgotten about it a minute later

silverstar: yeah yeah grandmaw/paw

mj: ha!

melissa: listen to? I'd be worried bout what you have to see!

carine: ah me too! it's great being old enough to be able to afford them!

conortje: remember what? who said that?

sheepo: liar.....your family couldn't afford coal....it was a rock painted black.......

the idle wanderer: yes,yes you have.....welcome back old chap.....

anfearbui: bwahahahahahahahahaha!

dave: what?I did that about 4 years ago?!!!

jen said...

I remember the days when we had to get up half an hour before we went to bed and lick gravel off the road for breakfast. And we were lucky.

Phil Collins - shudder.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Stop it. You're sounding like Jonathan Ross (without the speech impediment, obvoiusly).
Forget about hip and concentrate on the tip.

Manuel said...

bbb: now that really hurts......sniff sniff

Manuel said...

jen: whoops sorry....I'd rather lick gravel than Phil Collins

Kitty Cat said...

Ah ya poor sod, Manuel! I impressed a taxi driver the other day by knowing that Eric Clapton was in Cream. It worries me that younguns today don't know who the Smiths are.

@ idle wanderer: she's called Katie. maybe she just didn't want you to know..

Manuel said...

kitty cat: i worry about the state of the weather....

Smoke said...

The 'ned' of the night. I love it..

savannah said...

tis to laugh! hell, sugar...even i know who the ting tings are (thanks to you) ;-)

Manuel said...

smoke: damn it.......I meant to fix that typo! damn it damn it damn it......I could do with a bottle of ned right now....

savannah: actually I lied them but am now bored with them......how cool is that? !

bendersbetterbrother said...

Forgot to ask, what was Moses like at school?

Manuel said...

bbb: ooooh that just hurts.......I'm waving my stick at you

MJ said...

*takes front row seat and sits back waiting to see where Manuel/BBB stick waving incident will go*

bendersbetterbrother said...

Are the aisles specially modified to accommodate your walking frame or do you just wait on the tables with sufficient shuffling room around.

The Idle Wanderer said...

Kitty Cat Cheers. Are you two friends?

Medbh said...

When I get any lip about my age from the youngsters I like to quickly point out that we'll see how good they look at my age.
You either die or you get old, kids.

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