Monday, 18 August 2008

Date Rape Face and E-FIT Boy

Friday was chocker block with weekend warriors, office parties, and easily excited tourists. (Ditty's biscuits and Cafe Cremes were a big hit this weekend) There wasn't a seat to be had. If your name wasn't down you weren't getting in. Not that such formalities deter some people from trying.

God loves a trier.

Not me though, pains in the ass if you ask me.


Some people like the two alpha males that cluttered up my foyer for far too long on Friday night. They wore expensive suits and overpowering cologne (at as guess I'd say it was 'Desperation for Men' by Calvin Klein, saying that it could have been cat piss) and had the faces of those men you see on FBI E-FIT's. Well one of them did, the other wore the mask of a date rapist. Harsh but accurate.

"Hi man..." opened the date rapist as if we were in the same club or something.

"...we need a table for two man, you got a nice table for two for us?" He must have had a cold or something as he was sniffing a lot and wiping his nose, poor fella. His friend must have caught the same cold from him too.

"Yeah sorry, man, we are fully booked this evening" Sorry? I wasn't sorry at all but one must make it look good.

"Nothing at all?" Asked E-FIT boy and followed with, "C'mon man, there's only two of us."

I showed them the booking sheet. "Sorry guys we are full to the door tonight and there's more coming in later."

They both stared at it as if they knew what they were looking at. I took a step back to hint that we were done with the discussion. E-FIT boy wasn't done though.

"Awh man, you gotta have something for us. I mean we will be really quick." I've fallen for that line before and I know that once they are seated all their promises about being quick go out the window.

"No, sorry gents, like I say we are fully booked this evening." I suggested a few other restaurants they could try and turned to go. Like I say it was a busy night and I really didn't have time to be standing at the door with these two gym slaves.

"Listen listen maaan...." said date rape face, he was getting desperate. "....we'll tip you really well. Eh eh."

Damn sure they would, if they got a table that is, which they weren't. Now this pissed me off. I take my tips when I do a good job. I didn't like the inference that I could be bought and that I was in someway holding out on them. I mean what does FULLY BOOKED mean to you? Does it leave room for discussion or ambiguity? My heckles were up.

"Gents, like I have said numerous times, we are fully booked. FULLY. BOOKED. That means there are no tables available. Okay?"

"Give him some money now" said E-FIT boy 'whispering' into his friend's ear.

I sighed.

But date rape face did indeed pull out a bulging money clip and pull some notes from it. I turned to walk. Fuck this for a game soldiers.

"NO here man, take this." He tried to palm me off and with a sleazy wink thrown in for good measure. Clearly fancies himself as an Ocean Eleven character or something.

"NO. Gents, you AREN'T getting a table. Now please put that away." I had to fight my natural waiter instincts. But like a junkie who has just quit the bad stuff I said no. Hardest thing I've ever done.

"Just take the money and have another look, please...what's your name?" Oh he wanted to be my friend now.

The fuck if I was telling him my name. But for one moment I did consider taking his money, looking and then telling them we still have no tables but thought better of it in the end.

"Guys, that's just offensive. Now please step away from the door" my arm helpfully pointing the correct direction for them. It was raining too, which was a nice touch.

They were not best pleased.

"Fuck sake" muttered date rape face.

"Should have given him the money earlier" added E-FIT boy.

"Hey man...." I shouted as they went out the door

"Yeah?" said Date rape face with a hopeful glint in his eye.

"...you got something, you know, just under your nose..." and I wiped at my nose. He looked gutted.

Manuel cant be bought, well not by alphas with coke problems anyway.

26 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

OK, I'm gonna stop sending fodder in.

Can't take the credit for the cracker woman though.

Manuel said...

bbb: ha! I win........do I? Do I ever win?

savannah said...

i could have used you at adagio, sugar! next time, i am so calling you! ;-) xoxox

savannah said...

i could have used you at adagio, sugar! next time, i am so calling you! ;-) xoxox

carine said...

I'm amazed they were hungry, under the cokeumstances x

Manuel said...

savannah: just shine a big m into the sky like batman and I'll be there......

Manuel said...

carine: bwahahahaha "cokeumstances" love it

Medbh said...

You were right not to take it and then refuse a table, Manuel.
Coked-up dudes turn violent fairly quickly.
Plus, how fucking annoying would they be in your section while they were running to and fro to the toilet?

Manuel said...

medbh: their attitude more offensive than their habit....btw just pressed play on the last series of The Wire......

Anonymous Boxer said...

I've had people offer to pay more to get their orders manufactured faster and I always turn it down. It doesn't seem fair to those that have waited and I would say the same in this situation. Is it the full moon? 'cuz you're getting your share of whackadoodles this week.

MJ said...

Somebody offered me chocolate last week.

I took it.

Old Knudsen said...

I take my tips when I do a good job

so when you do a crap job you refuse tips?

Manuel said...

boxer: no, no Belfast is just full of very strange people......

mj: no doubt...

old k: when I do a crap job, and from time time to time this does indeed happen, I don't get offered tips so it's never really an issue.

Silverstar said...

As a matter of fact, yes, it is the full moon. Remember from my days as a nurse wondering what the hell was going on, only to leave my shift to see the full moon. I don't care if it's proven to the 95% level of probability, anybody not quite tightly wired is worse in the full moon. Coke addicts included.

Manuel said...

silverstar: is it? explains a lot......especially the actions of the new kitchen porter who went walkabout in the middle of shift yesterday and hasn't been seen since....

sheepworrier said...

KPs usually go walkabout as a coming of age ritual, dont they? If they can survive a week on the streets of belfast and manage to pick-up a seriously shitty attitude and dope habit, they graduate to commis chef.

Manuel said...

sheepo: it was weird.....he finished the tray of dishes he was doing and then walked......why would he stay to do one more then go? why not just go?

sheepworrier said...

I actually did that once when I was 15yr old KP, out've some misplaced sense of loyalty to the restaurant. Very strange behaviour, I'll admit.

Manuel said...

sheepo: I mean if your gonna do one, then do one. Doing one more tray isn't gonna have the chefs hate you any less for bunking on them.....where'd you work at?

lorrainbow said...

You may be getting a letter from my employer asking you to compensate them for the 2 days I've sat in work reading through archives of your blog and flat out ignoring actual work.

Also, probably, to pay for a new chair for all the wetting-myself-laughing I've done, it's tena lady all the way from now on. Thanks for providing funny to distract me from the buckets of water sluicing down from the sky :)

Manuel said...

lorrainbow: welcome! glad you like my mutterings.....the general public are a never ending source of amusement and pain......but mainly amusement......

boy_wonder said...

take the money, always take the money. Rookie error there Manuel

sheepworrier said...

Too many places to mention Manuel, but mostly they were around south Down - i'm a blow-in from the sticks ya see. Tho I did my years of bar work in the big smoke.

Manuel said...

boy_wonder: rookie? pfft.....

sheepo: ah everything is clear now......

Maxi Cane said...

Kudos.

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