Monday, 7 July 2008

Whinging Wednesday The Waiters Retort (Part 2)

Whinging Wednesday?
On a Monday?
Life's crazy eh?

This is part two of The Waiters Retort to all your wonderful "feedback" about what irks you and causes you flinch when you go out to eat.

Original Post Here

Part One of The Waiters Retort Here
I know what you're thinking, "same picture again"...
wrong
he's whinging from right to left this time and is wearing a wdf badge.
so there....


  1. Waiters who sit down at the table with me to take the order. Yeah never really got that one myself and have never done it and as I get older I am very unlikely to start doing it. Cant get up again you see. No one wants to have to spend twenty minutes helping the waiter back on to his feet now do they? But it is scientifically proven to increase tips. Proven by whom and with what branch of science I cannot say. Maybe it was the same people who investigated why cornflakes go soggy when you add milk to them. The waiter wants, temporarily, to be your friend so that you will tip them. They may also be trying to pick you up. So if you are open to this just budge up a little. If not just shoo the irritating chap away.
  2. Clearing other diners plates when someone else is still eating. Not on, not on at all. I do remember serving a table of 12 recently that had one particular slow muncher on it. He did more talking than eating. There would be little spurts of activity as someone else managed to get a word in but mainly it was just him holding court. It went on for an age. I could see the other guests at the table looking at me looking at him. They wanted dessert as much as I wanted to serve it to them but whilst yer man was still eating there was nowt I could do. One chap woman did break away from the table and order coffee, she was beside herself with anguish at my plight. And just when we all thought he was about to pop the last fork full in his yapper he started all over again. He was waving his fork around like an orchestra conductor. But yet I just had to wait. So if the waiter pulls a plate from your table when someone is still eating you have my permission to pull them on it. Side plates and serving dishes are fair game though.
  3. Waiter who take complaints personally and immediately adopt a defensive position. Why what the fuck did I say? Pfft.....
  4. Waiters who look down their perfectly snooty noses at your pronunciation of menu items. This is a bit of a tricky one for me. Look being a waiter has it's ups and downs. Most guests are perfectly lovely people with manners and good souls. The money is good but the hours suck and sometimes you just wanna go postal. So one of the little joys we get is being snooty when people mispronounce menu items. Mostly I just let it slide and would never dream of embarrassing the guest. If I think I can teach a little, and the guest will take it as I mean it, I will correct them. But if the guest is an ass, has previous form for being an ass, is even just slightly suspected of being an ass I will indeed correct them there and then loud and proud at the table. Or continue to use his mispronounced word for the rest of the evening. "Your pork o'juice sir!" Quality fun. If the waiter is being a bit too snooty for his own good then just pull him on it. I guarantee he will wind his neck in and become the waiter you always dreamed off.
  5. Waiters who are simply too cool for school and they're like only doing that job until a producer recognises their AMAZING star fucking quality and offers them a hollywood contract. Oh me too, I fucking hate these douches. Bohemian sorts. They don't want to be there and spend all their time telling you this. Not just you but the customers too. They are just doing the job until they get their own show, or the band signs a deal or their agent sorts out an audition for some channel 4 drama.I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I GET IT, YOUR NOT REALLY A WAITER!!!!! Bohemian waiters do all that they can to prove this by being consistently late, looking like shit at all times, never washing their uniform, and never really mixing with the other staff. They are skinny hippy types with a collection of stars tattooed on their arm and a random selection of badges. They are what Emo teenagers become after they have left Art College. Their stinky skinny friends are always calling in on the mooch for free food or drinks. They can be an amusing distraction for a while but it all turns sour when they realise that their big break isn't coming. Then it's everybody else's fault. Bohemian waiters are in their mid to late 20's and their dreams are turning to dust. Bitterness seeps from every pore, every filthy unwashed pore. These guys get hired because they have a degree in something wonderful like history of art or media studies but cant perform the simplest of tasks like setting a table in under a half hour! Fuck off and get washed, hippy.
And my favourite complaint of all, posted in full, came from Carine....
When you're in a more salubrious restaurant and the waiter insists on putting your napkin on your knee for you. Like I can't do this myself? I don't want your hands in my lap thanks.

I ate in one such restaurant in London where I took my napkin off my lap to go to the loo, but before I could stand up the waiter darted across the restaurant and bloody put it back. Five minutes later, I managed to deftly remove my napkin and stand before he could get to me. however, he then WALKED ME TO THE TOILET. I then tried to sneak back to my table without him noticing me but to no avail and HE RAN ATFER ME (yes, by this time I was running across the restaurant), he then grabbed my napkin and thrust it into my lap the minute my ass touched my seat.

This is not normal behaviour.
Diamond shoes a bit tight? No but seriously I have no answer to that, but man is it funny......

We'll do this again sometime, but not sometime soon. I come home to get away from complaints!

16 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Yep, boho waiters are the worst. Whatever your position is you should do it as best you can. They don't know how sad they sound when they say they're really a writer, film maker or actor.

Native Minnow said...

I'm not really a blogger, I'm just doing this until I get discovered.

;-)

Silverstar said...

Having a Master's degree, but not in French or Spanish, I ask how a dish is pronounced if I don't know. The essence of education is that you realize how ignorant you are.
I have eaten in a couple of five-star restaurants, and if I had a waiter chasing me to the loo, I would complain to the management he was stalking me. What's up with that, anyway.

sheepworrier said...

Don't the boho waiters usually just end up working in Clement's anyway?

Manuel said...

medbh: they get hired cos they're pretty......pretty but dumb........I don't suffer from that issue.....

minnow: yes but what as?

silverstar: who knows but it's damn funny.......

sheepo: meow! bwahahahahahahaha brilliant.....

Maxi Cane said...

The Boho's are as insufferable even when they are acting. I was once in a play for charity and there were celebrities everywhere and the boho's were desperately trying to network when I made a point of saying that I was only acting it until I could find steady work as a waiter.

Not. A. Single. Smile.

There was a massive belly laugh from yours truly though.

sheepworrier said...

Heh. Nice one Maxi.

Manuel, you know the type im talking about - green or pink hair, chains that attach one part of their trousers to another part for no apparent reason, faint aroma of dope and the limelight, and the ability to answer any statement with "wa?".

savannah said...

i swear, sugar, if i wasn't so lazy, i'd stay home and never go out to sup again! ;-) xoxox

(unless i was in belfast, of course!)

Manuel said...

maxi: bwahahahahahaha......

sheepo: and they all work in urban outfitters now.....but yes I am very familiar with the type....far too cool for school.....

savannah: no no no you should go out all the time! especially when/if you ever make it to belfast....

Anonymous Boxer said...

This is why I've adopted the "point and shoot" method of ordering in fancy restaurants with fancy words for things like fish. AND, I have a new way of getting those waiters from sitting ... when they do attempt to sit down I say "ARE YOU OKAY? DID YOU FALL?".

I still tip 20+% don't worry.

Manuel said...

boxer: bwahahahaha that's okay then!

daisyfae said...

my favorite color nail polish is called "I'm Not Really a Waitress". A gorgeous, pretentious and slutty red!

Manuel said...

daisyfae: bwahahahahaha I have some too!

problemchildbride said...

Plate taking-away happens all the time over here even in the upscale restaurants. It means there is always someone hovering and far to much to and fro of waiters from the table. I know it's just a different custom and that but it interrupts the whole natural flow of the meal and bugs me no end.

Carine, that's hilarious!

carine said...

Well God love you Manuel! I've never been quoted on someone else's blog before.

It's totally true, it happened in Foliage at the Mandarin Oriental. I might add that I wasn't there through choice, I was with a writer friend who was doing a piece on it. Never again.

x

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