Sunday, 13 July 2008

Toothp(r)ick


"Waiter!"

I was being summonsed by a very large very sweaty very unattractive man. Being wrapped, as he was, in a couple of thousands pounds worth of Armani cut cloth really didn't distract from the hideousness of this behemoth. More walrus than man.

"Waiter..." If he had been able to turn his gargantuan frame to the left he would have seen that I was coming. But instead he just sat there with one chubby fat arm in the air and the other gripping the table.

It took all his effort and strength to lift his tree sized arm to attract my attention and as he dropped it there was an audible sigh of relief not just from himself but from the other unfortunate guests sitting near him. He was very sweaty, I cannot stress this enough.

He really didn't need to lift his arm to attract my attention, it was hard to keep your eyes off him. Car crash dining at it's best, two starters of mussels and garlic bread, main course of steak cooked rare with two types of potatoes, vegetables and onion rings. You could see the heart attack winding it's way through his body. I was even considering how the ambulance crew would get him out, would they have to use a crane, would they have to punch a hole in the wall? But that was for another day, another day soon no doubt.

"Waiter...waiter I need a toothpick uuuurrrrgghhh" It was all very Jabba The Hut meets pervy phone call guy. You need a stomach pump followed by a few well placed staples big fella.

"Certainly sir and shall I bring you the sweet list as well.... or maybe just one wafer thin mint?" Okay maybe not the last bit but I was sorely fucking tempted.

"Yes...yes bring the list but hurry with the tooth pick." He was currently jabbing at the side of cow wedged somewhere in the hot, dark, moist, recesses of his mouth with a fork. I decided to leave it.

"Straight away sir!'

I returned forthwith carrying the sweet menu and a little plate with a few toothpicks on it. I cracked my usual toothpick related joke,

"Take your pick sir, any one at all." Comedy genius.

"What..." he snapped "...oh yes very good." I handed him the sweet menu but he took no notice and immediately began pulling at the wrapper of a toothpick. His need was great. I tidied his table up and poured him some more wine, Australian Shiraz, not the dearest but certainly one of the better bottles. I was all set to leave when he lifted his tree/arm to stop me.

"I'll have....uurrrrghhh...." He was gouging and prodding away with the toothpick whilst trying to speak. The noise of his groaning and gouging was reminiscent of something much more masturbatory. This was not cool, not cool at all. There were very unseemly pools of red wine and food suspended together in saliva on the corners of his mouth. Good grief it was horrific. But nothing was going to stop him ordering sweet, certainly not the fact that he was trying to dislodge half a steak from the dark hole that was his mouth at the same time.

"I'll have....uuurrrggghh.....eh....." [dig, gouge, poke, spit] "....cake...."

"Cake sir?"

"Yeah....oooohhhh.....uuuurrrrgghhh......aaaaaahhhhhh....cake yeah.....cheese.....cheesecake.....uuuurrrgghh"

"Cheesecake it is then sir." I didn't have the stomach to ask him if he wanted coffee. The sweat from his upper lip was heading towards the food and wine spit on the side of his mouth, I didn't want to be there to witness the final coming together of liquid evil. I was set to beat a hasty retreat when he grabbed my arm,

" OOOOOOOOHHHHH UUUUURRRGGGGHH GOT IT!" I thought he had climaxed such was his relief! And with that he produced the toothpick from his mouth with a very impressive piece of locally reared sirloin on it. His hands were wet both with sweat and the contents of his mouth. I swear there was steam rising from them. He sat there with the heavey laden toothpick in his hand admiring what he had removed.

"Shall I wrap it for you sir?" I couldn't resist.

"No but you can take it away." And with that the sweaty, panting bastard stuffed the bloody thing into my hand. I immediately dropped it onto the ground.

"What's wrong with you man?!" He roared as we both stared at the ground at the offending toothpick.

"Sir, it's been..." I didn't want to say it's been somewhere that I don't want to come into contact with, ie his big, fat, filthy, sweaty, warm, moist, damp, pie hole! FUCK THAT!

"Sir, it's been in your mouth. That's what the little plate is for." But he didn't care and instead asked for a coffee and directions to the bathroom.

I left the table, he left the table, the offending toothpick remained under the table for some time after.

What the fuckity fuck is wrong with people? Looky here if it's been in your mouth it ain't going on my hand, comprende? That's what the little plate is for.

43 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Dear jeebus, Manuel!
I was eating pretzels when I sat down to read this and almost threw them up.
Disgusting!
And also very funny.

Manuel said...

medbh: it was the pools of spit etc on the side of his mouth........I cant get that out of my head.....!

Ali said...

Thanks so much for sharing. Now I've gotta go try and scrub that out of my mind. :p

daisyfae said...

yeee-GAWD... doing your part for my future weight loss, are we?

Blechhh... you should get combat pay for this. i imagine you waking up from future nightmares, saying over and over "that's what the little plate is for..."

Old Knudsen said...

A bit of meat was in his mouth then it was in yer hand? this post is just so homo erotic with big sweaty men and all.

problemchildbride said...

Gah! What a pig of a man!

"Shall I wrap it for you sir?"

Class! Beautiful cut-glass class, my friend!

Mudflapgypsy said...

.....still laughing at what Knudsen said.

Can't top that at all.

Manuel said...

ali: you can do mine after that.....

daisyfae: I haven't slept well since......filthy bastard....

old k: ha! busted.......

sam: one has to take these opportunities when presented....

muddy: don't encourage him....

fatmammycat said...

And today's yackometre has already been reached.

MJ said...

My uncle tried to take his hearing aid out of his ear and place it in my hand so I could admire the workmanship.

I'd forgotten about Mr. Creosote 'til you reminded me. Now I'm off my breakfast.

Amusing toothpick line, by the way.

Catering Equipment said...

Had to stop eating my lunch!

Manuel said...

fmc: horrendous eh......

mj: oh yes i'm a master of the one line smart ass comments

Manuel said...

catering equipment: sorry bout that.......anything nice?

belfastyouthworker said...

"take your pic sir, any one at all" - genius. How do you keep such a cool head in the face of such customer inadequacy?

Manuel said...

byw: I blog........I blog and I drink......what else is there for it......actually I don't even drink......but I blog for sure.....

AnFearBui said...

I think I need a mental brillo pad

Manuel said...

anfearbui: I needed a shower after......

English Mum said...

Oh. My. God. Manuel, darling, I swear you should be paid a hundred million pounds a minute for what you do. Ewwwwww.

Manuel said...

english mum: funny you should say that......so do i......but minimum wage is fine.......just keep the tips flowing....the big fella tipped very well I should have said that.....

Conan Drumm said...

"...if it's been in your mouth it ain't going on my hand..."

So... well, what I mean is... like, em... you know, actually it's a question. Do you have a hands-free kit for your willy?

Manuel said...

conan: crikey! my willy, or anyone else, doesn't go any where near my mouth.....and I wash my paws after going to the toilet.......I'm shocked....shocked I tells ye........

Conan Drumm said...

Ah, I think you mistook the question!

Manuel said...

conan: you'd better clarify......!

Conan Drumm said...

Unlike Old Knudie I was making a heterosexual interpretation! Shall I stop digging now? Please?

Manuel said...

conan: no please go on.....it amuses me.....mwahahahaha

savannah said...

*speechless*


xoxox

Shieldmaiden96 said...

That was gross, but its no match for what people want to hand you when you are in the ambulance service.

Though I get to wear gloves.

Caro said...

Yeah could you not start a waitery trend for gloves? Nice crisp white ones. Or rubbery surgical ones, whatever.

MJ said...

Caro: I'd like to see him in full-length opera gloves.

Classy.

Gypsy said...

That was quite a picture you painted there Manuel and here I was about to go to bed. Now I will have to go and look at porn just to wipe THAT repulsive image from my mind.

Maxi Cane said...

Great stuff.

Fat sweaty people are great fun!

I had a similar situation once, except it was a woman and she never actually chewed anything just swallowed it, until a piece got lodged and I had to do the diaphragm press. Behind her I was, and it was surely where no man had gone before. I humped and squeezed for ages until she coughed up a piece of meat so large it was still alive.

Afterwards I was a hero, until she wanted to sue for sexual harassment as she swore she could feel me "enjoying" rubbing up against her.

Not. True. Ever.

I still wake up screaming and feeling dirty!

B said...

the titles good cos it says toothprick too!

Dont have the attention to read the rest but I'm back baby!

dave said...

oh please give him the 'waaiiifer thin mint'.

Let him explode!

Eily said...

You've provoked me into de-cloaking, Manuel. Have been reading your blog with glee and admiration; today, with empathy. Many years ago, as an office junior, I had to share a broom-cupboard with a young accountant who used to commute daily to Dublin by bus from Monaghan. He obviously felt that getting up early enough to wash, apply deodorant and find a clean shirt would eat too much into his relationship with his fetid mattress. The fug was unbearable...
What has this got to do with toothpicks? Well, our desks were placed in a companionable sort of arrangement whereby we had a common desktop area for pens, stapler and toothpicks. Most people know them as paperclips. Yes, while I was still coming to terms with the daily stench, I had to accept what my eyes and ears were telling me - he was in the habit of unfurling a randomly selected paperclip which he would then use to rummage around his teeth. Once finished, or whenever the phone interrupted him, he would wind the probe up into a crude loop and - yes - “ping” it back into the paper-clip tray. Not a word of a lie. Did I make a fuss and demand that something be done? God, no. This was the eighties! I was pathetically glad to have a job. I just stapled everything...

Mr. DNA said...

"The little plate! Use the little plate!
AAAAHHHHGGGGGGGG!"

The last thing the waiter was heard screaming as the police took him away from the scene of the crime.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh Dear God, you've described one of my worst nightmares... toothpicks and someone's big fat mouth.

The "may I wrap it up" comment you made to him is FUNNEEEEE.

Manuel said...

savannah: so was I for a bit....

shieldmaiden96: lend me some please!!!

caro: like they did in the 30's......nice!

mj: I'm sure you would!

gypsy: it'll keep you awake for sure....

maxi: no, no they're not....you lucky lucky man...

b: well you got the gist and that's all that counts.....

dave: he was nearly there......nearly...

eily: welcome and be cloaked no more.....the dirty dirty man.....I feel your pain....

mr dna: not far from it...

boxer: thanks but I think it backfired on me though......

Miss Becca said...

Well, now I've gone and wet myself. Thanks Manuel... /sighs and grumbles

Manuel said...

miss becca: sorry bout that.......hehehehe

Crispy said...

Brilliant!!!!

Manuel said...

crispy: oh you should have been there.......

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Blair said...

That sounds so horrible!