"Sath" African Crazy Lady.......

It wasn't just the Hungarians who provided the amusement at the weekend, there were others too. It has to be said thought that the sight of grown adults having to make barnyard animal noises and doing fish impressions really will stay with me for a very long time. Or until Wednesday, whichever.

But like I say there were others and as surprising as it will sound they were South African.....

"Oh mun, am so drunk!" Said the fairly respectable looking middle aged lady as she and her family made their way out of the restaurant. I really didn't think she was drunk at all.

"Now madam, you seem great! Hardly a drop touched." I exclaimed trying to make her feel better. Not that she was in any embarrassed. I think it's quite hard to embarrass a South African, all things considered.

"That's very kand of you, but am very drunk."

I couldn't just say goodnight and let them leave, which upon reflection would have been the smartest thing to do. But no I had to get on in there and be here best bloody friend.

"Well I'm sober madam and you seem fine to me." Why I was persevering I don't know. They were leaving and had tipped handsomely, there was nothing else to be gained.

"Oh Sophie, that really is very kand of you to say." Sophie? Who the fuckity fuck is Sophie? I don't think there is enough booze in the world you could drink to confuse me for a girl called Sophie. I said "sober" she heard "Sophie".

At this point I realised she was hammered. I also realised she was coming over to me in that wibbly wobbly way drunk people do. "For fuck sake" I thought "You just couldn't just wave them goodbye and be happy could you?"

"Oh Sophie, ya just so cute." She had invaded my personal space, moved in, and set up camp. She was indeed blitz. She was hammered, off her mong, three sheets to the wind, in other words pished. I assume she could tell I wasn't a woman called Sophie but I elected not to correct her. I knew her table had drank the best part of two cases of wine but thought they had been shared amongst the 25 of them.

I considered the bear attack defense, "Stop, stay quiet, and make no sudden moves" but it was too late she moved in with her hands heading for my face, to grab a kiss I assumed. But I assumed wrongly. No she thought my face was so cute she would slap the shit out of it with a two handed assault.


"You're-jast-so-cute." Each word announced with a healthy slap on the face. She repeated it too.

Magic fucking moments.

I considered the other bear attack defense, get in the fetal position. But there was now a gaggle of waiters, managers, and chefs watching the little break in play that was the crazy South African woman. I was sure one of her party would be suitably embarrassed and drag her away but no, they thought this was great fun!

"She laks you mun." Laughed her husband. Bastard. "Maybe she wants to tak ya home."

I'm not a fucking souvenir, I'm a human boy with feelings and emotions and two very sore face cheeks.The slapping and general poking continued for about 25 minutes, well okay maybe not, but it bloody felt like it.

She got bored after about a minute and stumbled away shouting, "Nat nat Sophie."

Mentalist.