Tuesday, 17 June 2008

"Sath" African Crazy Lady.......

It wasn't just the Hungarians who provided the amusement at the weekend, there were others too. It has to be said thought that the sight of grown adults having to make barnyard animal noises and doing fish impressions really will stay with me for a very long time. Or until Wednesday, whichever.

But like I say there were others and as surprising as it will sound they were South African.....

"Oh mun, am so drunk!" Said the fairly respectable looking middle aged lady as she and her family made their way out of the restaurant. I really didn't think she was drunk at all.

"Now madam, you seem great! Hardly a drop touched." I exclaimed trying to make her feel better. Not that she was in any embarrassed. I think it's quite hard to embarrass a South African, all things considered.

"That's very kand of you, but am very drunk."

I couldn't just say goodnight and let them leave, which upon reflection would have been the smartest thing to do. But no I had to get on in there and be here best bloody friend.

"Well I'm sober madam and you seem fine to me." Why I was persevering I don't know. They were leaving and had tipped handsomely, there was nothing else to be gained.

"Oh Sophie, that really is very kand of you to say." Sophie? Who the fuckity fuck is Sophie? I don't think there is enough booze in the world you could drink to confuse me for a girl called Sophie. I said "sober" she heard "Sophie".

At this point I realised she was hammered. I also realised she was coming over to me in that wibbly wobbly way drunk people do. "For fuck sake" I thought "You just couldn't just wave them goodbye and be happy could you?"

"Oh Sophie, ya just so cute." She had invaded my personal space, moved in, and set up camp. She was indeed blitz. She was hammered, off her mong, three sheets to the wind, in other words pished. I assume she could tell I wasn't a woman called Sophie but I elected not to correct her. I knew her table had drank the best part of two cases of wine but thought they had been shared amongst the 25 of them.

I considered the bear attack defense, "Stop, stay quiet, and make no sudden moves" but it was too late she moved in with her hands heading for my face, to grab a kiss I assumed. But I assumed wrongly. No she thought my face was so cute she would slap the shit out of it with a two handed assault.


"You're-jast-so-cute." Each word announced with a healthy slap on the face. She repeated it too.

Magic fucking moments.

I considered the other bear attack defense, get in the fetal position. But there was now a gaggle of waiters, managers, and chefs watching the little break in play that was the crazy South African woman. I was sure one of her party would be suitably embarrassed and drag her away but no, they thought this was great fun!

"She laks you mun." Laughed her husband. Bastard. "Maybe she wants to tak ya home."

I'm not a fucking souvenir, I'm a human boy with feelings and emotions and two very sore face cheeks.The slapping and general poking continued for about 25 minutes, well okay maybe not, but it bloody felt like it.

She got bored after about a minute and stumbled away shouting, "Nat nat Sophie."

Mentalist.

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

B said...

you could've manipulated that to get a good tip, I'm like a con-man of old ladies that way.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Every South African woman I've ever met is as mad as a bucket of blue shite. Volatile creatures they are.Maybe they just "encourage" the "special" ones to go overseas?

I'll be in close proximity to some again in a couple of weeks.I'll ask if they know Sophie.

Manuel said...

b: no I just wanted to get my face away from her scary hands......and I'm a lover not a manipulator

bbb: I would have laughed if she hadn't been hitting me so hard......it's not women per se.....it;s all south africans......saying that, Minnie Mandela was a bit odd.........

Medbh said...

Jeebus.
I waited tables with a woman from South Africa and her favorite expression was "fuck ma dog!"
Um, no, gross.

You need some protective body padding for the job, Manuel. Especially your sugar loaf.

Manuel said...

medbh: I'm more worried about my face than my ass......it's v well padded....

Anonymous Boxer said...

You deserve combat pay.

savannah said...

i needed a laugh, sugar! ;-) thanks! xoxxo

daisyfae said...

sheesh. reminds me of one of the few visits i made to my dad's sicilian cousins. they like to pinch-a you face, eh? she-a looks-a like couzin dorathea, don't she?

i left there looking like my face had been made of red playdoh... i feel your pain, manuel...

MJ said...

Would you like to hire me to be the bodyguard of your sugarloaf?

Quickroute said...

Yer just playing hard to get! Know what you mean about the accent though - it's like a Welsh / Australian dialect or sommit!

Crispy said...

Jesus, I think I've popped a stitch!! very very funny Sophie!!

sheepworrier said...

howzit bru?

I used to hate the accent for being too harsh, but it's grown on me a wee bit. They've got some great insults.

Mudflapgypsy said...

Was she wearing "takkies" and did she drive home in a "bakkie"?

Bear defense? That'll be .50 caliber then.

Deborah said...

Wow Manuel you certainly are the ladies man these days! LMM must not approve! ;-)

Saw this and thought it might interest you: http://www.seriouseats.com/required_eating/2008/06/served-waiter-wait-staff-why-i-have-the-best-job.html

Manuel said...

boxer: yes, yes I do....

savannah: m pain is others joy....hehehehe

daisyfae: my little fat face was left stinging......

mj: yes, yes I would....

quickie: I like it...it's rough but in a good way....

crispy: cheers love.....

sheepo: do you remember the spitting image sketch, "I've never met a nice south africa?" quality...

muddy: bwahahahahahaha

debs: no, no she doesn't.....she approves of very little....

Comrade Stalin said...

I always loved that Alan Partridge episode with the South African who said at one point "Alan - you can't!", to which dear old Alan replied "well, I don't think you need to be rude".

And there is of course this :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL-t_eTl0Ls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbMyTsANbLc

Comrade Stalin said...

Ah yes, here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isHZcy0RKEE

Anonymous said...

Not on topic but just have to say I love your blog.
My eyes look and feel worse than Frank McCourt ever had it after too many hours reading but I am hooked.

Thanks for a great laugh and a real education. I'm proud to announce today I tipped the delivery man from IKEA $10 and the server at the drive-thru a loonie (Canadian $1 coin) for a medium cup of tea.

Even old tipping-challenged idiots can be reeducated, eh?

You writing is wonderful and between yourself and the regular commenters, I've enjoyed my visit to your blog more than any other I've seen.

Until now, I honestly thought my husband of 28 years and I were the only ones who tossed around the, "Always with the negative vibes Moriarty, always with the negative vibes." at every opportunity.

Looking forward to wading through older posts for more great fun.

Lisa

P.S. Do you have Gold Bond powder there? Supposedly great for chef's arse.

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